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In our series of returning to blogging, I thought I should maybe fill in the larger details with a wide brush. I could probably sum it up as steady as she goes. And that probably wouldn't surprise any of my loyal viewers.

I just had my 21st anniversary at work (shocking I know). Daniel and I will have our 20th anniversary next year. We still live in Dallas, although we have switched houses a couple of times since we last spoke. Up until recently, I was driving the same car, but I sold it to my brother for my nephew to drive. I was sad to see it go, but glad it stayed in the family. Now I lease, which is against my religion, but with EVs, the technology is improving so rapidly that you don't really want to drive one for 10+ years.

For a long time, I would write in my Book of Secrets every year on my birthday. I would make predictions for 1, 5, and 10 years in the future. The idea behind it is to illustrate how terrible humans are at actually predicting the future. You always think to yourself, "I knew it! I KNEW that would happen!" but that's hindsight bias. You actually had no clue. Except, in my Book of Secrets, I'm almost always right. Mostly because I predict that nothing will change. Then I make concerted efforts to not change anything. Then I pat myself on the back for being right. Solid as Iraq!

You all know how I am an extreme fan of Reader's Digest. I just read the best article and it spawned a new weekend activity for me. It was all about how to be your own body guard.

It has little tips like how you should always stop your car where you can see the tires of the car in front of you. That way if someone tries to carjack you, you can swerve around the car in front of you to get away. (And then immediately throw that bitch right back in reverse and permanently solve the problem.) They also say if you're being attacked you should yell "Fire!" instead of "Help!" People's natural inclination when someone is yelling for help is to get away because they don't want to get sucked into it. But they are also so inclined to run toward a fire, thinking they'll be able to help in some way. That was by far my favorite hint. They also suggest carrying a little bit of "mugger's money." This is just a little bit of easily accessible cash that can be handed over if need be to someone putting a pistol in your pie hole. Most muggers are looking for a quick buck and will run away once they have it, so it's better to lose a $20 than a jaw bone.

But onto the activity. I get this feeling Daniel hates the multitude of activities I have planned at any one time, but he has to participate in this one. We've talked before about getting some mace to keep in the house just in case someone was breaking in. Realistically, I'm more concerned about a confused, irate drunk person trying to get into what they think is their apartment than I am about a robber trying to take my things. So I think mace would suffice to keep me safe. However, if I am woken up in the middle of the night by the sound of my front door being kicked in, my ass is going out the window, pronto.

We have a door in our bedroom that opens to the outside. Only it goes nowhere. There's no balcony or anything, just a railing to a 4 foot drop. So like Reader's Digest suggest, I've informed Daniel that we will be having a break-in drill soon. I want to lay in bed and pretend the door just got kicked in and then see how long it takes us to get up, grab a cell phone, unlock and open the pointless door, and then jump over the railing to the flowerbeds below. He is confident that in the situation we would rise to the occasion, but that is just the kind of talk my four dollar magazine advises against.

Anyone wanna run the stop watch for us?

My apologies for back to back politico blogs. I'm not usually this involved, but then again, I rarely have two such awesome ideas in rapid fire succession. Today I'd like to discuss a little bit about Obama's health care dream. Affordable, government provided health insurance for all? Makes me sick just thinking about it. Imagine! People without jobs being healthy. It's disgusting. Preventative health care eliminating much of need and ultimately dropping health care prices for everyone? Unacceptable. I work hard, damnit, and I don't want some free loading single mother ass hole cashing in on that. In fact, once we effectively squash this SOCIALIST movement, there are a couple of other arenas I'd like to address.

Police. Why is it that the people who generally utilize the police the least pay the most for it? Why do MY tax dollars go toward equipping and training a police force that is going to protect EVERYONE. That's socialist bullshit. If you can't afford protection, then news flash, sucker, you don't get it. I would like to see the police stations in this country disbanded. I will use my own personal finances to hire myself a police force. That way I won't have to sit helplessly as my house is broken into waiting for help to arrive because they are out somewhere protecting illegal aliens.

Fire. Imagine this. Your house is on fire. Small, contained, maybe just in the kitchen. You call 911. Doing everything you can to control the blaze waiting for help, you start to lose the battle. Finally, sirens and lights outside and a team of well trained experienced firemen rush in. "May I please see your FMO card?" "I don't have it, oh god, it's in the bedroom but its expired." "Ma'am, ma'am, calm down please, if you do not have fire insurance, we cannot help you, you will have to call someone else or deal with this yourself." Sounds like a little slice of heaven to me. If it weren't for this SOCIALIST movement sweeping the nation, it could be like this. My house has never burned down. Why should I pay for firemen? It's ridiculous.

Look, people, I think my point is pretty clear. When it comes to health and well being of yourself and property, why should you pay to protect other people? I mean, come on, you work hard to fend for yourself, why can't they? Am I right? Now let's cut out this bullshit and get things going in the right direction.

As long as I don't get laid off in the next year, I mean.

I'm not sure I fully appreciated just how much 4 miles is when you're tasked with doing it every day. To run for an hour after a full day of work just isn't going to be possible every damn day. I had factored in 3 days off, but now I know I can't afford to take them. So what I've done a couple days is just running 2.5 miles or so and calling it quits. But I know that every time I do that, I'm just adding to what I'm going to have to do at the end of the month. And I do not want to be running a marathon the last day and killing myself.

It doesn't help that I was just scheduled to go to Alabama for work for a day next week. But that one day of work will cost me two days of running. I can only hope that the hotel they put me up in has an workout room. If it doesn't, then I'll be forced to take two days off and totally screw my average. So I've already factored those into the spreadsheet tracking my progress and telling me how far to go each day.

My legs are so exhausted and sore. They can't seem to catch a break. And strangely, my back and shoulders get sore from it too. I never thought that would happen. But it's not all bad news. I have been sleeping like an absolute fucking rock ever since this started. I get my regular 8 hours on the dot, but I'm unable to wake up when the alarm goes off because I was in such a deep slumber. And I haven't lost a pound yet because this running thing is such an appetite stimulator. I get really hungry even when I'm not running, which I'm hoping is a sign that my metabolism is getting a kick in the ass from this. Ultimately, I hope it to be a much more permanent form of weight loss as opposed to say, oh I don't know, drinking nothing but lemonade for days at a time. But right now the finish line seems awfully far away, and all I can do is run a few more miles today.

Do any of you use Pandora? Just go to www.pandora.com, tell it an artist you like and it'll play songs by them. Then it'll get clever and play something similar to that. And you just say yes I like it, or no I don't like that, and the more you listen to it, the more it gets to know your musical tastes. Only, they've employed some new algorithm that actually works. People have tried this in the past and always failed miserably, but Pandora is pretty damn impressive. Right now I have two radio stations that I created. One called "Chill Radio" and one called "Slightly More Upbeat Radio." And they both rock, and continue getting better. Go check it out.

Yesterday morning I awoke with a strange desire to brew my own beer. It's been in the back of my head for a year ever since I brewed some apple cider for Thanksgiving '08, but I can't really say what brought it to the forefront. Never being the one to back down from another potentially disastrous project, I set out to the Homebrew Headquarters in Richardson. They have everything you need there as well as several employees who are MORE than willing to help you out with any questions you may have. Go check them out some time.

So I brought home an Australian Pale Ale. Trey has made it twice and his beer has been fantastic, so I figured why mess with a good thing. And I got some dextrose corn sugar because its more easily fermentable than table sugar. And then I got a bag of light malt extract. That's new, Trey never used that, so hopefully my beer will be way better than his. The can of Australian Pale Ale was actually a thick, molasses like syrup that contained all the hops and barley and some sugars. Adding more sugar = more alcohol, so I didn't mind supplementing.

Mix and boil. That's about the only step after sanitizing everything. And sanitizing requires little more than a bleach water soaking for everything involved. My coworker who is a master brewer once told me, sanitation is important, don't skimp on that step ... but also, bear in mind that people used to brew beer in animal skins over open fires with river water, so don't sweat it too much. Who knows how good their beer (or mead) tasted, but they still succeeded in getting drunk. And isn't that just the whole point?

So I made Daniel stand and stir while I was finishing rinsing the bleach off of everything. My little bitty pot started to boil over -- which we were prepared for -- so as it boiled, we scooped it into another bowl and were planning on boiling the wort in two stages. Pretty stupid, but feasible. So I'm in the bathroom rinsing when I hear, "OH NO!" Daniel was stirring with a plastic spatula and when he pulled it out, it no longer existed. The fucking thing had melted down to a stub. As Keiff later pointed out, the only portion remaining was the part stamped with "Caution: Not Heat Resistant." So there we were with a bowl full of cold wort and a pot full of hot wort and a heaping helping of melted plastic. Down the sink it went as I rushed to my car to speed to Homebrew Headquarters before they closed. And I bought another batch of ingredients ... and a 20 quart stock pot.

The second time, Keiff came over to help and it went rather smoothly. We boiled the wort for 15 minutes until it got this really nice, dark caramel color. Then we cooled it down as best we could in a sink of ice, added 4 more gallons of spring water and poured it into the fermenting bucket. I measured the temperature to be right at 80°F which is pretty ideal for the yeast, so I pitched them in. I was worried about them because they weren't bubbling by the time we went to bed, but this morning, they're burping away. I'm so excited. Keiff wants to make a batch now and I told him we could use my equipment and take turns buying ingredients. In a few weeks, we'll bottle, which is also pretty easy with the equipment I'll be borrowing.

And then it'll be Febrehabruarv. Double-edged sword there. Sure, I won't be able to drink the beer I just worked so hard to produce. But, the beer will also continue to improve with age. You have to wait about a week after bottling so the secondary fermentation in the bottle can carbonate the liquid. But they say if you wait up to a month it'll be worlds better. So that's just what we'll do. Beer tasting party at my house, March 1st. Who's in?

I do hope that 2009 has found you well. I've certainly had a helluva start. My two week long vacation is ending tomorrow and I just don't know how I am going to cope with it. I've had a good couple of weeks though.

First, my entire family came into town. I currently have 5 nieces and 2 nephews, and was just informed that there's another on the way! It was really fun to play with all of them and give them crappy gifts that they loved. Although, I will admit that the Hannah Montana electric guitar I got for my niece Kelsey was pretty rocking, even though it's already broken. So we did the whole xristmas thing and I spent more than a few nights driving between Addison and Allen to my parents new ridiculously large house. I got wine from my brother in the gift exchange and now the wine fridge is respectably stocked. And I got the new Nikon Coolpix camera from my parents. I highly recommend this little gadget. It is so freaking advanced. I guess when you only buy one camera every decade, they're bound to improve slightly.

The other reason everyone came was for my parents surprise 35th wedding anniversary. We'd been planning it for like a year (I helped a little) and had some extended family and a lot of old family friends hiding in the banquet room at Sneaky Pete's in Lewisville. Then when my parents came in with my sister for what they thought was an oddly dressy, far drive to Lake Lewisville just for dinner, everyone yelled HAPPY ANNIVERSARY and the merriment proceeded. DJ iMernex even DJed the party which was pretty fun. There was "free" beer and wine so I think everyone managed to have a good time and I know my parents really appreciated it. And I got the buffet leftovers so Daniel and I ate chicken and roast beef for a week.

Then we did xristmas with Daniel's family over at our apartment. His mom made filet mignon wrapped in puff pastry with some sort of filling. It was really good. We were in charge of vegetables so we served leftover green beens and potato wedges from the anniversary party. Waste not. Then we did a little gift exchange. His dad gave me a really cool shirt and a fedora that I adore. I think his sister helped pick it out, but it's pretty bangin. And I gave his brother guitar picks, guitar strings, and a guitar strap. And he was perfectly gracious even though I thought he might be like, "I don't have a guitar, you dick." But then I surprised him with the guitar I had wrapped up in the other room. It wasn't easy getting all that on the budget that was set but I managed to do it. g*d, I love pawn shops now.

Then there was New Year's Eve. We had a bunch of people over. There was a lot of food, dancing, tons of booze. We really had a good time. Gotta tell you though, it's that time of the year when Febrehabruarv starts sounding really good to me. I was thinking that maybe I wanted to do that master cleanse again, but then I read my blog from last year and decided against it. All the descriptions of sleepless nights, heart palpitations, and incessant heartburn jogged some memories I'd obviously repressed. Maybe in another year. I think I'll hearken back to the febrehabs of yesteryear when it was easy and fun, good clean living.

I think that brings us up to speed. Happy 2009, bitches. See you around..

In the grand Sidesho tradition of immensely time consuming projects I will never finish sprinkled with a light dusting of masochism, I have decided to pluck my beard.

It's an idea that I've toyed with for about a decade now but have never made any significant attempt to complete. It started out this time as an attempt to clean up my lower lip where my dark red beard becomes outlined by hundreds of translucent blonde baby hairs. It was too hard to get a razor in there without risking irrepairably damaging my beard, so I just plucked them. And then I cleaned up all the edges. And then extended them down a little so I'd have a good line down to my jaw. And then I realized weeks later that the skin was still completely smooth.

So I thought, why not keep going. I've decided to do 30 hairs a night. 10 from the mustache, 20 from elsewhere. All while trying to keep it as even as possible. Judging by estimates on the internet, this should take me around 150 days to accomplish. And I'll have to keep up maintenance as I go. The pain is moderate at best. My biggest fear is doing damage to my face with ingrown hairs and whatnot, and permanently debilitating my ability to grow facial hair. That, and once I get down toward the end, will I just have a scraggly nasty prepubescent stache?

Anyway, this'll probably fizzle out after about a week, I'll shave like normal, and my hair will grow back like normal a couple cycles later and that will be that. But I thought it worth mentioning. Has anybody else ever tried anything like this? Is it insanity ... or is it brilliant?

My father called me the other night and opened the conversation with, "I've got some bad news for you. I am looking at a video right now of you running a red light."

You see, my car is still registered in my father's name so when a red light camera caught an infraction, the letter went to his house. I was understandably suspicious of the accusations though. If you've ever ridden in the car with me, you would be too. I don't run red lights. I don't even come close. So he told me the website address and citation code and I watched the video myself. What I saw was my Cavalier on 121 approaching Custer. As I approach the red light intending to turn right, I slow down, pause briefly to see no on coming traffic, and then go about my turn.

I tried to find a way to download the video to post here but I was unsuccessful, so you'll just have to enjoy this still frame. A few things I would like to point out that are interesting here in this frame. First and foremost, my brake lights are on. The light had been red for 26.21 seconds so it's not as if I incorrectly judged how much time I had. And my vehicle speed is clocked at a blazing 16mph. So I think I have all the evidence I need to make a case that I was driving defensively and responsibly. BUT, the law states that you must come to a complete fucking stop before making a right on red, so I don't really have a legal stand because I did not ever completely stop.

In general, I'm in favor of big brother. Mostly because I have nothing to hide. But at $75 a pop, this seems like more of a way for the city to drum up some funds than an effort to serve and protect. If a cop saw me make that turn, there's no way in hell he would have pulled me over. At some point common sense can selectively overrule traffic laws. If you pull up to a malfunctioning red light at 4am in the middle of nowhere and it won't turn green, and you go anyway rather than wait indefinitely, this system would issue you a ticket for that. And that's what I don't like about it. If a car approaches a red light at a crawl applying the brakes the whole way and turns onto a completely empty road, I do not consider that seventy fucking five dollars worth of a crime. That's just my opinion. What do you think about red light cameras?

Ever since I started back at work, it has quite literally been kicking my ass. Well, not literally. I hate it when people emphasize LITERALLY when they clearly mean figuratively ... like I just did. But it has literally been exhausting me mentally and physically. Instead of accomplishing anything while I was in Sydney for 2 weeks, they expended more energy on shifting around schedules to buy more time. So now I have just as much to do, only it's all 2 weeks behind schedule and stacked on top of each other. Pretty bullshit. It's Saturday morning now and I'm about to head out to a construction site. My feet hurt so bad from the boots I had to buy. And my right knee gave out yesterday and can no longer really support my body weight. There's a reason I'm good with computers and not football. I'm not cut out for this.

Luckily, I've figured out what I want to do with my life. I was watching Modern Marvels, as I so often do, and the subject was bread. And they talked about the best thing since sliced bread, etc. But at the end, they talked about the rise of the artisan bread makers. It's basically like owning your own brewery, crafting your own local varieties and stuff. But I just think it would be so awesome to open up an artisan bread making company here in Addison! Circle. That way it would always smell good like bread, and hopefully people would stop buying loafs of commercially produced bread and just drop by the neighborhood bakery every day for something fresh and delicious. I just need some start up capital, because I already have everything else planned out, including the name. I call my bakery "Yeast Infection."

I'm here all week.

The first time that I experienced jet lag was in Sweden 3 years ago. No matter what I did, every night I would lay awake through the night staring at the ceiling wide awake. I wouldn't start to get tired until about 6am, which was right around when I had to get up and go to work. It was awful. No matter how tired I was or how much I attempted to exhaust myself -- either through exercise or booze, I couldn't sleep at night. It took a full week for me to adjust.

I'm experiencing it again. Only this time, the opposite. Every night here around 8pm, I get excessively tired. A few nights I've managed to stay up until 10 or 11, but not past that. A couple nights I've fallen asleep at like 8. I tried taking one of my sleeping pills to encourage me to sleep in a little bit thinking that would help. That night I slept 13 hours and stayed in bed until 10, but it didn't help. It's just so completely independent of how much sleep I'm getting. I'm just prone to this anomaly known as jet lag. I'm hoping it will clear up soon. I'm going to try a power nap today. Because we have going away parties to attend this weekend and it won't be very good if I'm sleeping in the corner.

But I've still had plenty of time during the day to do some really fun stuff. Yesterday we went to the zoo and saw kangaroos, wallabies, koalas and dingos. But maybe my favorite part wasn't the animals, but the expansive view of Sydney Harbor from across the water. It really is a beautiful city. After the zoo we took a ferry over to the opera house. It was pretty crazy to be standing on the steps touching this super iconic landmark. The whole white part of it is actually like regular sized white tiles. I had no idea. So Allison and I sat at the opera house bar, had a cocktail, and watched the sunset. It was so wonderful.

The best part about coming and staying with Allison is that I'm getting a good balance between touristy activities and the locals. One night we went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of ingredients to cook a traditional Paesta. It's actually something we made up on our car trip home from Jervis Bay, but we decided to make it a reality. I remember when my grandmother used to make us a paesta on the holidays. The best thing about a paesta, though, is how it brings together family and friends. It ended up being a terrifying blend of vegetables, pasta, bacon, chicken, heaps of ancho chili sauce, and a few spoonfuls of an Aussie blend of Ranch dressing. It's a good thing that everything goes with ranch. Despite the improvisational nature of the dish, it actually turned out pretty good. So good that Dom had 4 servings -- and nobody is THAT polite, so I think he really enjoyed it.

I think today we're going to take it easy. We are going to get some acupuncture done because neither one of us have ever done it and Daniel always tells me how amazing it is. Aw, the only thing that could make this trip better is if Daniel was here with me. I miss him. Anyway, we're resting up today because tomorrow we're going on a vineyard tour of the Hunter Valley. So it's going to be a helluva day and we want 24 hours of sobriety prior to that. Should be interesting.

It's been a while since I've updated. My apologies. I just returned from Las Vegas celebrating my brother Stephen's 30th birthday. It was a pretty big deal. The entire trip was kept a secret from him up until I took him and his wife to the airport. And then on top of that, it was another secret that me and my other brother, Michael, were on our way to the airport separately to meet and surprise him with our presence. It was pretty fun sneaking up behind him in the casino while he played video poker. After so many months of preparation, it was such a relief for the big reveal.

So we spent two days gambling, drinking, laying out by the pool, having some very fine high dollar meals, and seeing the Beatles LOVE show. Highly recommend. Also highly recommend Planet Hollywood. It's recently been redone and it is so nice. Nicer than the Bellagio, in my humble opinion. Crazy times.

His birthday was a little bigger deal than mine. I tried to keep the invite casual (I wanted to type "cas" as in short for "casual" there but I'm not sure how to spell it). I didn't even have a place for people to RSVP because I didn't want to get excited that anyone was coming. Daniel was kind of annoyed with me as we got ready to go out to the bar because he was hurrying me along and I was saying what's the point, no one's coming. He was like you always get this way on your birthday. So we got there, and DJ iMernex had reserved us a table. And then we sat. And sat. And sat. And no one came. Daniel was frantically texting people trying to get them to come to no avail. Finally before I called it quits I texted Keiff cause he had said he would try to make it after moving all day and he was on his way over. So hurray! Saved the day. Then we blew that hot dog stand and invited Lindsey over like we should have all along. Lesson learned. Next year, no party ... he said again.

My Harley riding coworker got in a really bad motorcycle accident this weekend. He has two broken ankles, a broken femur, broken ribs, and road rash. I think I need to go get some safety gear before I ride anymore. I'm paranoid now. Not that I wasn't before, but you get the point.

So good times, not much to report from the real world. Gearing up for Australia, dreading the 14 hour flight. But definitely excited. I'll keep you posted.

After 3+ years of all talk, I am finally going to do it. I just booked my non-refundable 22 hour trip to the land of Oz. On August 14th, I will lift off from Dallas ... and on August 16th touch down in Sydney, Australia. I wonder what TV is like on the other side of the planet. I can't WAIT to find out. Do you think they have DVR? Do you think they call it DVR? Do you think it records backwards?! This is going to be so fun. Oh and I might hit up a wine tasting or a zoo or an opera house while I'm in the neighborhood. But best of all, I get to see my lovely friend, the Allistralian on her home turf. I will be gone for two weeks returning on August 27th. Best part of the flight home is I touch down almost before I take off. I will bring news from the future.

After booking my ticket, I was kind of on a roll. Like you do. So I went and ordered my KitchenAid copper stand mixer for my birthday. Really it's a birthday present from Daniel, but we used my credit card to get it. It's going to take a week to get here, but I really excited about it. I'm going to whip cream to stiff peaks.

Man, I'm more excited right now than Evan on American Gladiators. Rocket is the best Gladiator. And he's my friend on Facebook. I love TV.

We just went to listen to Salsa in the park here in our neighborhood. Turns out I really don't like salsa music. I had fun last week but the band was much better. Oh and I was waaha-hay-hay-hay-sted. So it was sounding good. Tonight I exited early. I basically woke up in time to go listen and it's hot and the band was terrible and I wanted I wanted to sit on the TV and watch beers. So I came home.

Oh, last bit of news. KaboomTown is next week. Everyone's invited. This year we will serve various skewered meats and vegetables. As well as skewered pound cake and strawberries to dip in chocolate. I call it ... Shish-Ka-Boom. You should come. And then the 6th is my birthday again. But this year it falls on a Sunday, so on Saturday July 5th, I am having a little gathering at a bar here in Addison! if you would like to join me. That would be awesome. Czech you all on the flip side.

I just got back from a week in San Antonio. I was there to take a training class for work. It was from 8-5 every day in the hotel I was staying at next to the airport. Needless to say I was bored out of my gourd. I took this picture as I was checking out of my hotel room because I thought it rather succinctly summed up my entire trip. People in my training course were kind of laughing at me because I was eating each night at places like Papadeaux's and Applebee's. They thought I should get out and experience the local fare. But I was just like, c'mon, I'm from Dallas. It's not like San Antonio is a foreign country. If I managed to find something uniquely San Antonio it would just be a hole-in-the-wall Mexican place with meat, cheese, and tortillas combined in a variety of ways. So I opted to eat at places I liked, albethem chain restaurants, because it was free. And that made it special.

So I made it through the week with little incident. Last night Daniel and I went with JennyC■■■ to see the new Sex and the City movie. It was fantastic. If you haven't seen it yet, you definitely should. We went to the Studio Movie Grill to watch it so we could get loaded at the same time. But ultimately, the same thing happened to me that always happens there. I end up having to pee so bad by the time the movie's over that I have a hard time sitting still. But I made it through. There was one thing about the movie that pissed me off. And it's not a spoiler, but if you don't want to know anything about the movie don't read this next part. So Charlotte adopted that little Chinese girl, right? And what did she name her? Lily. How many times have I said that I'm adopting a little Asian girl and naming her Lily because I want violin music while I eat? But I also always said that if I had another little girl, I would name her Rose. Not so much because of the obvious floral reference, but because I like the really old-timey names. Okay, so Charlotte has a baby and they name it Rose. So now if I ever by some fluke of nature have two daughters, and name them Lily and Rose, people will be like, oh yeah from Sex and the City. And that will piss me off. So I'm having my tubes tied.

In other news, the Allistralian came back to the states for a visit. She is leaving Australia soon and convinced me that it's now or never if I want to go visit her. So Daniel and I are going to Australia. For REAL this time. No joke. It'll probably be somewhere in the August range. It's gonna be a pretty baller ass vacation, but that's okay because those are the kinds of vacations we need to be taking. I'll keep you all posted on details of that. If anyone would like to go with, the more people we have the easier that 12 hour flight will be. Lemme know. Peace out.

My custom seats finally arrived. They are brown Louis Vuitton print. It just made my hog like 100X cooler and probably severely upped the resale (and the chances of getting it stolen). I've gotten great comments from people on the street as well as a couple of enthusiastic women holding up their matching purses to me at red lights. I just couldn't be happier, so I shined her up for you and took a picture. Suck on this.

I successfully rode the Vespa to work this week. It was a little unnerving at first, but once I got going, it was pretty comfortable. It did highlight the fact that I need to buy some gloves. 50 degrees doesn't sound cold until you're moving through it at 45mph. My hands hurt by the time I got to work. But I did it. On the way home it was so windy that I had a hard time balancing, so I found an alternate route home that took me entirely through residential streets. It took nearly 45 minutes, but it was way preferrable to braving the high winds on a major thoroughfare. I only did it one day because there has been questionable weather and high winds predicted every day this week, but I think it could become my main transportation throughout the summer months.

Daniel has been in Atlanta all week. Sunday was his birthday and he had to fly out for some training for his new job. Unfortunately, by the time his flight landed he was sick. He's had to miss out on most of the activities and just lie in bed. Being in a different city for work is bad enough. Not being able to drink must make it near unbearable. He comes home tomorrow though, which I'm pretty excited about. TV isn't any fun to watch when no one is there to hear your snide remarks.

Speaking of TV, I made another as-seen-on-TV purchase! Stephen's daughter's birthday is coming up in July and he said she would really like the Roll 'n Grow. The commercial shows a green foam pad that you roll out, water, and then an insane amount of flowers bloom from it. I hate to disappoint her this early in life by her finding out that not everything works like they show in the commercials, but I also hate to disappoint myself by not buying it for her. So I had to get it. She'll be excited to open it I'm sure. And as with every stupid purchase I make -- who knows? -- maybe it does work. We got on the topic because 20/20 did a big scientific study of Kinoki Pads. The bastards must have been reading my blog and stealing ideas. They couldn't get the company to produce any lab results to back up their claims. But I think the most telling demonstration was when they put distilled water on the pads and they turned brown. No labs could find any traces of toxins or heavy metals or whatever else they claim. Too bad, I was really hoping this would be a cure all for the human race. I guess the hunt is still on.

So I need another suggestion for TV purchases. The AeroGarden that Thommi suggested it a wonderful idea. It's a little expensive for an impulse buy, but then again, my birthday is just around the corner and I do love getting myself a little something special.

I need to go clean the apartment. As I guessed would happen, my intentions to keep the apartment pristine while Daniel was away failed miserably and now I have to make up for it within the next few hours. Late.

Old men confuse me. Maybe there's a magic age at which everything they do starts to make sense and I just haven't reached it yet. Perhaps on my 30th birthday everything will become clear. One thing that has always confused me is how old men insist on being naked in the locker room at the gym. Don't get me wrong; I'm no prude. I strip down to go into the sauna. The key difference is that almost immediately after disrobing, I wrap a towel around my waist to spare people the blinding reflection off my ass. Old men strip down, weigh themselves, wash their face, look in the mirror, talk to other old men, and then and only then do they throw a towel over their shoulder and flop over to the steam room. I don't get it. What's the fascination with being naked? Have their wives banned the practice at home for so many years that the only way to get the liberating sensation of free balling around a room is in a men-only environment? Do I have any old man readers that can explain this? Do I have any young readers that get a thrill from streaking?

I had to add another confusing trait to my quandary today at work. We have several old men there and they all share a perplexing act in another all-male venue -- the bathroom. They pee without using their hands. I've seen them put both hands up on the wall in front of them. Hands on the hips is also a very popular tactic. Today topped it all though. The new old guy was peeing with both hands in his pockets. How is this even possible? Do they just not care anymore if their stream wanders off onto the floor? Is there some sort of rigor that sets in after 40 that allows for steady hands-free aiming? It's so bizarre. Please, somebody, help me understand. Do I need to start practicing now for old age?

I am so excited. My other big purchase finally arrived -- Kinoki Foot Pads! You have seen the commercials where people put these pads on their feet while they sleep and then they wake up freed of the heavy metal toxins they've been living with and then jog through the park in tank tops and hot pants. I can't wait to be that guy. You put them on and they're supposed to come off in the morning like jet black from all the stuff that's been pulled through the soles of your feet via ancient Chinese reflexology. And the more you use them the lighter and lighter they get because there are less and less toxins in your body. So I was completely prepared for the pads to be numbered night 1 through night 14 and you had to wear them in order to achieve this bullshit, but they're not numbered, ergo, they must actually work.

It's such a relief after I failed to complete the Master Cleanse. I have so many toxins and free radicals just pulsing through my veins. It'll be good to get them out through my calloused feet. Part of me knows they must be bullshit, but that smaller, more entertaining part of my psyche says it's worth a shot. I might even take pictures of them each night to see if they get lighter and lighter. Although really you can either alternate feet each night or wear them both every other night. I think I'd rather wear two at a time. Double the toxin hoover.

This is part of my resolution to buy more shit off the TV and I can't wait to report back to you with the results. Any ideas about what I should buy off the TV next? I'd LOVE to hear them.

I make some of my best decisions after a few drinks. You wouldn't have to look any further than my set of Ronco knives to know that. But I have another example now. A 37" flatscreen LCD! I had a little money to spend from xristmas and I was debating between a dining room table with all the necessary accoutrements or a TV and a Wii. At a post-new-years finish-the-keg party, RyanS■■■ and Daniel collectively convinced me that a TV was the way to go. So at 3 in the morning, we jetted off to Wal-Mart to get one. The first store didn't have the one we wanted so we went to another and stopped at Whataburger on the way. I haven't done that in forever. Their taquitos are as good as ever, so that made me glad. And we got the TV, bungee corded the trunk closed and brought it home and set it up at 4 in the morning. It's a Vizio and it has a really good picture, we just don't have any HD signals to feed to it. But Planet Earth look pretty spectacular.

Then we set off to find a Wii. Turns out, that's impossible. Well, impossible for someone with a life. I could spend my days calling stores, figuring out delivery schedules, and standing there waiting for a Wii to come in. Unfortunately, I am employed. So I call a few stores each weekend and they laugh at me. Just as well though, I accidentally overdrafted my account the other day. Not entirely because I'm broke but also because of an accounting error on my part. Nonetheless, it opened my eyes to the fact that I've been spending rampantly for months and have to stop. So I decided no Wii until I'm debt frii. Realistically with Febrehabruariv right around the corner, I can't imagine that won't be March. And we likely won't find one then either. But if anyone has a Wii they're willing to see at face value, let me know. I might take it off your hands in a little bit.

And finally, Febrehabruariv, the first leap year, I am looking so forward to it. Giving up food this year for the middle two weeks. The surrounding weeks, I'll be weaning off and then slowly acclimating back to food. C■■■■ said he was shipping me the book on how to properly do the Master Cleanse, so I'm looking forward to reading that. I'm going to follow it to the letter, no matter what. If I'm in the hospital for malnourishment, I'll be pushing the IVs away. I'll definitely keep everyone posted on that, because it could either be torture, or another inadvertent success. Either way I can't wait. Peace.

Last night we were watching Planet Earth with RyanS■■■. He's only seen the BBC version narrated by John Hammond, and we've always told him how much better Sigourney Weaver is. I think it was Ice Worlds that we were watching and they were showing a hawk swooping in to kill some ptarmigan. I decided to relate to another episode where Sigourney refers to hawks as the fighter jets of the bird world. Only, I was going to jazz it up by saying, "Hawks are the F-16s of the bird world." Only, I actually said, "Hawks are the F150s of the bird world." I'm such a tard. So we had a good laugh and made lots of comments in our best Sigourney voices like, "With their four wheel drive and extended cabs, hawks truly are the F150s of the bird world."

Maybe my head was a little bit out of it due to the pumpkin pie martinis I attempted to make last night. We had one at the Bacarat Bar in Bellagio and it was so delicious that I asked the waitress what was in it and she said vanilla vodka, goldschlager, and pumpkin pie puree. So I combined all 3 and it was just terrible. So I added more vodka. When that didn't work, I added more pumpkin. When that didn't work, I added milk. By now things were way out of hand. I checked the recipe on the back of the can of pumpkin puree and you're supposed to add evaporated milk and sugar. Derrrr. We totally forgot to sweeten it. Turns out, pumpkin out of a can is pretty disgusting. I always thought you just spooned that into a pie crust and ate it. Someone should invent that. But of course, I was out of sugar, so I made some simple syrup out of brown sugar, ladeled in a few heaping scoops of the resulting liquid and then, the now full pitcher, held a delcious holiday concoction. Unfortunately it was way to thick and filling so we each sipped half a glass and washed the rest down the drain. But now that I know what I did wrong, i think I could make it again much better just by adding sugar from the get go.

In other news, I'm officially writing a cookbook. Not for the inevitable fame and fortune that comes with it, but because I want to be a guest judge on Iron Chef America. And as far as I know, writing a cookbook is the best and fastest way to get there. How hard could it be? If you've known me for a while, you should be able to guess the title. I can't post it here though because I don't want it to get stolen from me.

And finally, today, I think we'll close with a one-liner. My parents got their free slip-resistant covers for their Wii remotes, affectionately known as Wii condoms. But they only got two, so we have two with condoms, two without. Stephen asked me if I needed one with a condom, but I didn't, so I put the strap around my wrist and said, "You know what I always say. If you've got a strap on, you don't need a condom."

Good night everybody!

Last night I went to a work party. After eating some dinner and socializing for a few minutes, it was right up stairs to play Wii. I think the Wii will probably affect adult parties more than childrens. Bowling and tennis are just too much damn fun. I'm kind of surprised my Wii arm isn't sore. Good thing because that also happens to be my slots arm. I'm leaving for Vegas in a few hours, and I'm not going to lie to you. I'm feeling awfully slotty.

Real quick, though, I gotta tell you what's even better than the Wii. Rock Band. I think it's only out on the XBox 360, or at least it's not out on the Wii. I went to a Rock Band birthday party and we played all night. It is so much fun. There are vocals, guitar, bass guitar, and drums. And the drums are like a massive controller. And then it's just like Guitar Hero where you follow the little colored bars on the screen. Except the vocals, all you have to do with that is stay on pitch at the right time. I feel like such a loser because I've never liked video games before, save Tony Hawk, but now I find myself getting obsessed. Not obsessed enough to buy my own, that costs money, but totally into it, for sure.

Last bit of news, have you all heard that American Gladiators is coming back?! It's hosted by Hulk Hogan and Muhammad Ali's daughter. I think her name is Tatiana. You can go look at all the new gladiators if you google their website. My brother, Stephen, sent me the link and said his favorite one is Fury and I found myself agreeing. You just can't beat a pony tail coming straight up out of a grown woman's head. I was frankly a bit surprised that Wesley "Two Scoops" Barry didn't come back as a gladiator. Anyway, I decided that when I'm a gladiator my name will be Maui, an hommage to Malibu, the greatest gladiator of all time. Stephen said his name would be Laser Beam because he wouldn't be comfortable leaving it at just Laser. So your homework assignment is to leave a comment with your American Gladiator name and why.

If I don't win millions, I'll be back on Wednesday. Peace.

I always tease Daniel about date night because the entire concept is so ridiculous and reserved only for married couples in strained relationships who really don't like being around each other, but once a week go out together and get sauced up enough to copulate. So any time we go out to dinner or a movie I like to scream, "Date night!" But in all seriousness, tonight we had a date night. Dinner for two at Halfshells in Plano. We got a crab and shrimp and andoiulle sausage platter and a couple beers. Then we went to see August Rush. Srsly, go see it. Read my review to the right for more on that. It was just perfect. We should really try to do this once a week.

One more week and I'll be Vegas bound. I can't wait. Daniel really can't wait. The Vegas trip is to celebrate his graduation, which will also occur in one week. He's already finished with several of his classes and I just couldn't be more proud of him. He's kind of a big deal. It's going to be a hectic week for me and then I have like 10 days in a row away from work, and you'd better believe me, I'm going to forget alllll about it.

One last thing about August Rush and then I'm done. I really want my brother to go see it because on those late nights when we were up recording Brother Band songs, and he would man the guitar, he always played it like August does. Two hands on the neck of the guitar ... bangin' ... making beautiful music. Only his was a fraction of a second long and had to be looped in order to sound cool. But still, same effect. I'm heading off to lay on the couch some more, my home in my home. Czech you skillets on the flip side.

Cider verdict: delicious. It's like a pear flavored apple wine. It's only mildly alcoholic but that works out alright because I like to drink lots and lots of it at a time. Bottling it was such a chore. The first day that it was freezing outside, I found myself sanitizing bottles in big tubs of water and rinsing them with a hose. I was wet and my hands were so cold that it was hard to work. We hooked it up to a big canister of compressed CO2 and attempted to force carbonation. It only worked slightly. Next time I'm going to give it like 4 days of carbonation instead of 20 minutes so it'll truly sparkle. But anyway, for a first try this is fantastic. I got three big crates of big bottles full, so I haven't rationed it at all. It's probably a third gone. Mmm, just talking about it is making me want a big glass of it.

Daniel and I got our first xristmas tree together the day after Thanksgiving. It's as tall as it could be in our apartment and flocked. Flocked, I learned, is what you call the trees that have been sprayed with white shit to make it look like snow. Then we wrapped it in blue LED lights and some color changing globes and a bunch of ornaments. I think it's really pretty. So pretty that I want to take a picture of it and post it on my website, but I'm too lazy. I'll do it later along with the pictures from Halloween.

Thanksgiving was good. We spent it at Daniel's parents' house. Grilled turkey and stuffing made with sausage and oysters. Delish. Then there was some tofu, natch, and a few other sides. I've never had a grilled turkey but it was fantastic. I want to try that some time. Grilling has never been my forte and I'm always intimidated to try it out in the courtyard, but maybe that should be a new years resolution for me.

Speaking of new years resolutions -- do me a favor and don't resolve to work out in the new year. If you haven't been doing it already, starting in January is the worst thing you can possibly do. Because every lard ass in the world starts going in January clogging up all the gym equipment for a good month or two before finally giving up like we all knew they were going to do from the beginning. So save yourself, and me, the trouble. You're welcome. This post sucked.

I like to consider myself a bit of an expert in the subject of Redneks. After living in College Station, TX for 5 years, I moved into a field of work that has typically been dominated by the kind of person that would find Blue Collar Comedy amusing. Because I have been immersed in this culture, secretly observing, I thought I would enlighten those of us with high school diplomas to what I have concluded is one of the paramount tenants of Rednek life.

Nothing makes a Rednek prouder than never having done something.

That's it. That's all you need to know to blend into a crowd of NASCAR fans. That and a flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off. Consider this example. A normal person might say something like, "I spent one summer in Europe just traveling before I had to come home and find a job." Or if you haven't been that fortunate, you might say, "I've always wanted to visit Spain." A Rednek would attain that level of adoration by saying, "I ain't never left Texas." Or if he wanted to trump a friend that had just stated that, he could say, "I ain't never left Irving." The Rednek mothers nod encouragingly and the Rednek wives swoon and bleach their hair.

But even more than ain't never havin' traveled anywhere or experienced any culture other than their own, nothing is in the blood of a Rednek more than Copenhagen Long Cut and ain't never having tried a food item. I'm serious. This is the big one. Redneks LOVE not trying something new at the dinner table. A deer you killed yourself and a potato your wife mashed is what should be on the table every night. Nothing green, nothing orange, nothing red, no vegetables other than potatoes. I've argued long and hard at work that my coworkers should try sushi. Not only is it delicious, but it's so mountain man to eat a fish raw. But they won't do it. My theory is that it's because it's called sushi. If you called it Texas Style Fish Nuggets. They would at least try it. Same with Vietnamese pho. Delicious. Call it Texas Style Beef Water and the Redneks of the world would know this too.

The whole thing that brought this up was a coworker saying he ain't never had pumpkin pie. I thought that was as unAmerican as not supporting the war. But he claimed that it's not normal to make a pie out of a gourd and that pecan pie is the only acceptable kind. Even though making a pie out of a nut is way more bizarre. So I'm looking for pumpkin pie recipes online to make one to take to work to show him that something he ain't never tried might actually be a favorite food if he would just try it. But he'll probably take one bite to shut me up, make a face, and claims he hates it before he spits it into a napkin. Such is the Rednek way.

Anyway, I hope this clued you in a little bit into the backwards lives of our 10 gallon friends and neighbors. If you have any questions about how or why Redneks do something, leave me a comment and I'm sure I can answer them all for you. Class dismissed.

Yesterday I became a home brewer. I decided to start with hard cider which I figured would be marginally easier than beer. So there are 6 gallons of apple juice rotting in a bucket filled with yeast in the guest bathroom bathtub. In three weeks, it should be delightfully alcoholic and I'll probably start winning competitions and whatnot at that point. So if any of you are in town or around at Thanksgiving, come on by. I haven't come up with a name or a label yet but you better believe I'll be spending some time getting that sorted out.

I'm not sure if I even really like hard cider since every hard cider I've ever had has actually been an apple flavored malted beverage. And I'm definitely weary that I like it 6 gallons worth. But if I drink even one glass from the bucket and it has even 1% alcohol in it, then I will consider this a sweeping success. Who knows though? Maybe I really do like cider and I'll drink 6 gallons at 6% alcohol and die. Keep your fingers crossed.

Do any of you have a Wii? My parents bought one unexpectedly and I have go to say it is wildly entertaining. I like bowling and tennis. My whole family was in town a couple of weeks ago and we spent so much time playing these stupid games that the children got upset and the entire right side of my body was sore for like 3 days. What a brilliant invention to try and get fat little kids to quit being so fat and disgusting. I want one for xmas, so if you could just buy me one and leave it at my doorstep anonymously, I would appreciate it. That way, I don't have to feel indebted to you for your generosity and I can play my Wii without a burden on my conscience.

Back on October 1st, I swore that I was going to live on $100 dollars a week, no questions asked, no holds barred. A month later, I find my system unravelling. "Emergencies" are getting put on the credit card ... hard cider is an emergency ... and my checking account cushion is dwindling. So I had to supplement with some money from savings. That totally defeats the purpose, but if I can just make it one more month, then I'll be loaded and happy and ready to go to Las Vegas and gamble it all away. As it is, I've saved a ridiculous amount in the first month anyway, so I still count this as a victory. I'm pretty easy on myself.

I have pictures from Halloween but I'm still working on it before I post it here. So sit tight and wait for those, I promise to have them out by 2008. Peace.

On Tuesday night, Daniel, Lindsey, Lauren, Hunter and I all went to see Hanson at the House of Blues. Lindsey and Lauren were the kind of mall rat uberfans that made MMMBop a hit. I would claim that status except they were 9 when the song came out and I was in high school. Nonetheless, this was, in fact, my second Hanson concert because I went to see them once with Ashlee in high school. The show was incredible, of course. All of them are very accomplished musicians. They each took a turn on guitar, did some acoustic, and some acapella. Definitely worth seeing.

They also encouraged everyone to buy a pair of Tom's shoes. I looked them up on the internet and it seemed like a good enough cause that I would mention it here. If you go to tomsshoes.com you can read up on it for yourself, but the short story is that every pair of shoes you buy, they donate a pair to a kid in Africa. Now normally I don't fuck with Africa cause people there are starvin' and that ain't baller, but these shoes are also kind of cool. I think I'm going to order the pair of gray and black striped ones. Lindsey said that if you order a pair before Hanson's Walk Tour is over, you can just put "hanson" in the shipping info and it's free, or something like that. And the tour should be one for a while longer.

It's been pushed back a little bit because apparently Isaac Hanson had some kind of heart trouble immediately following the show and they rushed him to Baylor Medical for emergency surgery. I guess he's okay but it meant that they had to stay here a few extra days and cancel their Tulsa show. Lindsey wanted to go outside the hospital with posterboard and glow sticks and scream (and probably did, we haven't heard from her in a while) but ultimately we decided that might be in poor taste.

So, okay, buy some shoes, they're cool and it's nice and remember: Ahfon oopinda bee ting chesch ahfon oopinda ayesconsee.

After a few trips to Lowe's and a late night of carpentry and electry, we finally finished the bar. All we really need to do is touch up the areas where the hinges of the closet doors were with a little white paint. I also need to buy a beer fridge, obviously. Then we are open for business. Praise me.

If you think the only thing I ever really talk about on my webpage these days is my bar, you are only half right. The only thing I ever talk about all the time now is the bar. I can't wait until it's done so I can shut the hell up about it. I made some good progress this weekend. I got the tile and some mortar and laid the tile and embedded the cutting board and hammered some copper and raised the microwave so the door would open. Later this week I have to grout everything. Anyway, here's a picture.

It's really starting to take shape. You can see where I put copper around the trash hole. I just wanted to add another natural element to the overall design. It was originally going to be a trash chute but since I couldn't really do that, I thought this was a nice compromise. And the cutting board couldn't look nicer against the tile. Turns out they don't make rectangular tile like I wanted so these 1x1 mosaics work just fine.

Sooo yeah. That's all I got. Late.

I have been working feverishly on my bar this week to make up for my weekend warrior frustrations. Tonight I took the drawers (that I fucking built) and attached them to the cabinetry with these badass $15 rails. That may not sound like a lot of money to you, but in the land of drawer slides, that is just about as good as it gets. The only thing nicer is those ones you slam but they automatically slow themselves down and shut quietly. Too bad they didn't sell them at Home Depot.

Speaking of Home Depot: Why is it that every time I'm in that fucking store I am like the only person in the store. I mean the ONLY person in the store. When I bought the plywood, I was looking for someone to tell me what kind of plywood to buy and to help me cut it in half. And I walked through every aisle of lumber. And then proceeded through every aisle in the store. When I'd made it all the way to flooring without seeing an orange apron, I went straight for the customer service desk. No one there! I'm like 97% sure they were open. That has been the consistent pattern with that store. Fuck them. I hate them. If you need something from Home Depot, just go to Lowe's, cause they'll say hi, ask you if you need help, help you find what you need, make suggestions, and load it in your car for you. Way better.

Where was I? Oh yeah... DRAWERS!

Can you believe it? These drawers are major. (If you haven't been watching Victoria Beckham's new reality show, you are truly missing out. I fucking love her. I am going to attempt to call everything in my life "major" from now on.) The drawers are 18"x21"x6". They are so deep and big that we've decided we're going to inlay some foam covered in velvet and shape it to hold the various items we had planned for the drawer space. A knife. A bottle opener. Um... maybe like a backup knife? Too much storage for sure. One could most definitely hold 3 emergency liquor bottles.

I never thought it would be shaping up this well this fast. If you look closely there are many, many construction mistakes to be seen. One reason I greyed out the background was to hide some rough edges. But that will all be invisible with the finishing tile work and trim. I am so excited. I will let you all know when the bar warming party is. Until then, keep cheering me on!

P.S. Today is my brother, Stephen's birthday. Happy Birthday, brother! This picture is your gift.

Fourth of July was good. Had a few people over, drank some beers. Birthday was good. Had a few people over, drank some beers. My brother, Stephen, even dropped in for a little bit, which was a special surprise ... kind of ... I mean, it was really special, but only kind of a surprise. Taking a week off was a really good idea. I wish I could do it again, but alas, I need mo money.

I'm taking this opportunity to update because I wore out 3 of the DeWalt batteries on my handheld drill. I've been a busy little boy this evening. Every time I make progress on the bar, I go into work and discuss it with my coworker/coach. He's the one that lent me all the power tools. He was disappointed that I'd gone through the whole weekend without making any progress. His only rule is that I make progress every week. So I couldn't let him down. I went and spent another 60 bucks at Home Depot and brought home some 1x6s, some 2x4s, and some drawer mounts. I am now the proud owner of 1.95 finished drawers. They are not half bad, if I do say so myself. A little wonky, but that's to be expected when you're doing construction with all hand tools. I got one all the way done but as I was screwing the bottom onto the second drawer my third battery went dead. I just have to chill out for about an hour and two of them will be full speed again. The drawers are damn huge. You know how I am -- larger than life and out of control. So these are 18" wide, 21" long, and 6" deep. We don't intend on using the drawers for anything, I only made them to fill some of the gap between the fridge and the bar. But if we ever do use them, we could store like quilts and stuff in them. Boom!

I guess I'll go eat some dinner while I'm waiting for a recharge. I hope Daniel is impressed with my progress ... and doesn't mind vacuuming up large amounts of sawdust. Later skaters.

Since we have three bedrooms in our apartment now, we turned the middle one into a TV lounge, hangout room. It has just about everything you could ever want in a TV room: a TV with all the accoutrement, surround sound, super comfy sofa, mood lighting. Everybody loves hanging out in there. Really, the only thing that sucks about it is when you're drinking and you have to keep getting up and going to the kitchen to throw out an empty beer can and grab a new one. It is seriously far.

Solution! The day we moved in I vowed that I would convert the TV room closet into a swank bar complete with my wine fridge, a beer fridge, trash can, cutting board, glassware. You name it, this shit is going to be nice. The more I plan, the more complicated my dream becomes. Now bear in mind that I have zero experience and absolutely no tools. But I have a dream, damnit, and sometimes that's all you need.

But seriously, if anybody has any experience or tools, I could really use your help.

The past couple of days at work I've spent drawing this conceptual drawing. I first measured the closet and then learned how to use AutoCAD to do a really nice isometric drawing as a first draft for getting my thoughts onto paper. Today I took that finished AutoCAD drawing into Photoshop and googled the different materials to overlay into this finished product. I'm obviously pretty proud of myself. Toot! Toot!

The whole thing is roughly 8' by 2' and will be covered in slate tiles. The back has four holes in the wood trim for accent lighting. There will be glass shelves above it with all my glassware, so this should create a cool lighting effect. The cutting board is actually recessed into the two-ply-wood shelf. After it's tiled, it will be flush with the rest of the surfaces. The copper flashing you see is actually just a hole that leads down to a trashcan that will be concealed by the large cabinet. Drawers flank on either side for spoons and knives and whatnot. Where you see no cabinetry is where the closet walls will actually be hiding those areas. And below each drawer will be a wine fridge or a beer fridge.

I really think I've thought of it all here, but if you have any suggestions on how to improve my little design let me know. I estimated the construction time at 2 years but Daniel thinks we can accomplish it in a few weekends. I guess all we can do is try ... and kiss our deposit goodbye. Let me know what you think!

There's a new fashion craze sweeping the nation. Now channel the spirits of Slater, Lisa and Jessie and imagine me saying this in the correct whispered repetitious Buddy Bands manner:

MegaBlinds. MegaBlinds. MegaBlinds.

It has always bothered me that there isn't an opaque eyewear available on the market. Every time that I lay out, regardless of how dark or how big my sunglasses are, as soon as I lay on my back, the sun is blinding me right through my eyelids. So I end up with my hands in front of my face all day. Well not anymore. Miniblinds are for fat old housewives. MegaBlinds are only for the most outrageous socialites and celebutants. They're perfectly timeless yet totally today.

Using a closely guarded family recipe which combines fashion and function, MegaBlinds will block the sun, or anything else you want to avoid, while making you look like a million bucks. The secret comes from the exclusive MegaBlinds rhinestone quarry. Each jewel is certfied flawless and hand crafted to guarantee the maximum amount of sparkle.

And they're not just for the pool anymore. Going to the same club as your ex tonight and want to make sure you don't even acknowledge their existence? Slap on a pair of MegaBlinds and drink well, knowing your head won't turn when they walk by. Hungover and can't get back to sleep because the sun is pouring into your bedroom? Turn that hangover upsidedown with MegaBlinds.

I really think this could catch on. If you could all do me a favor and spread the word. Seeing is believing, and you'll never see again. MegaBlinds retail for a low, low introductory rate of $350, so if you would like a pair, be sure to get your order in early. Each pair of MegaBlinds is hand crafted and completely customized, and the orders are already pouring in. When things are expensive, it makes people want them. Thanks in advance for telling all your friends!

Warning: Mega-Blinds not intended for use while driving. Or walking.

The good news is, Katie came over to try on her dress and it fit her like a guhlove. It looked like I had measured her or had some semblance of an idea what I was doing -- neither of which are true. I need to finish putting in the zipper and then decide what to do with the length/hem and it's party ready. She said she actually likes it and I just decide to believe her because it makes me feel all tingly in my bathing suit area.

And there's no bad news. Sorry. Today I got home from work and was perusing my Addison! Circle newsletter and it had an advertisement for the Dream Cafe. It said it had lots of vegetarian and vegan menu options, so I wanted to try it. Oh, also, just fyi, I'm totally not a vegan anymore. I am still trying, but just failing more and more often. I eat cheese like every day, fish once or twice a week, and I've had a teeny bit of chicken twice. So I totally fell off the boat and can no longer in good conscience call myself a vegan, but I'm still trying. Gotta get in shape before the family Mexico trip because I'll have many people to impress.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Dream Cafe. Since it was a cardio day, I decided in lieu of our usual Circle bike ride, we should venture across the Tollway to try this place. It was kind of far away and we had to cross a major highway during rush hour, but other than that it was a pleasant ride. I enjoyed my black bean nachos (with cheese) and Daniel had some ahi tuna. And as we were commenting on how delicious the food was, the perfectly clear and sunny 85 degree skies turned black and a torrential downpour spilled forth from the heavens. Unphased, we asked for a plastic bag, but our belongings inside of it and headed home through the rain. It let up a little bit as we were riding and it was downright pleasant. Soaking, yes, but pleasant. So much so that as soon as we made it home, I coaxed Daniel into an extra lap around the circle. We were, like, the only people out. We figured anyone that saw us would just assume we were severely dedicated to our bike rides. I guess some percentage of that statement is true.

0%. What? Zero is a percentage.

And now here I am freshly showered, warmed up, dried off, and a little big miffed we missed Sanjina on American Idol. g*d, I hope he wins the whole thing. He's such a fucking train wreck. I think this weekend my friend Adam! may come lay out by the pool again like we did last weekend with many, many pitchers of freshly made pina coladas. Some of you should join. We had a blizzast. Have a good week, have-nots. Czech you on the flip siiiiiide.

You know how sometimes I give really great suggestions for how to improve your life? And usually they involve something you should be buying if you aren't already? Well, I've got another one for you.

It has recently come to my attention that many of you have never eaten a mango. And I'm here to tell you that a fresh mango is the most delicious thing you can possibly put in your mouth. It is by far my favorite fruit. I'm in Houston right now at my brother Stephen's house and I bought a couple mangos for us to enjoy. g*d diddly damn they are good. Anyway, here's a picture in case you aren't familiar with what a mango even looks like. Go buy one and cut it up and eat it. Just watch out for the massive lima bean that you will find inside. I don't think you can eat those.

So I came to Houston on Wednesday for work and then decided to stay and visit my brother and his family. It's been really fun. I worked from his house Thursday and Friday. If you consider bike rides to the park work. Hanging out with Kaylyn and Will has been pretty fun. Plus, it makes you really thankful for all the things you don't have in your life. Namely children. I kind of feel about children like I do about dogs. I like them, but I like them better when they belong to someone else and you can just come over occasionally and play with them, but then get rid of them when they poop.

I'm going home tomorrow. This was a nice little visit. I needed a change, my job has fallen into a bit of a rut again. I don't see anything exciting coming on the horizon, so I'm just going to have to rededicate myself to my new attitude towards work. I think if I got back into yoga, I would feel better all around, so I'm going to look into that when i get home.

Whelp, everyone else in this house is asleep, so I guess I'm going to do the same until the early morning shit fits begin. Ciao.

Since Febrehab is a world-wide phenomenon nowadays, I thought it important to create a marketing department to promote the benefits of good clean living. I personally always see a reduction in my massive girth. Telling you I lost 7lbs is impressive, but it doesn't really tell the story, so this year I took a picture on the first day and the last day. That way you could see a true before and after. I suppose I should just let my new brochure speak for itself. Enjoy!

Last night I went to Daniel's parents' house for dinner as we do from time to time. When I got there, there was a large, misshapen box wrapped and bowed for me. It was an xmas present from the whole family. I was pretty excited to open it. The first thing that was in there was a large, hollow, fake gourd. His mother had placed it on top of the box to throw me off as to the contents. But below that was a brand new receiver! (As if a rectangular box is obviously receiver shaped.) Now, I know they say it's better to give than to receive, but if you give a receiver, does it all even out?

I have no speakers, but Daniel had a few that he doesn't use anymore and an extra subwoofer just laying around. He also had a VCR he doesn't use any more. So we trucked it all over to my apartment and I ate chips while he hooked it all up. Yes, folks, this relationship is finally starting to pay off.

A little while ago Daniel came home with two festive holiday ovalish kleenex boxes. His mother had given them to him and told him to give one to me. I chose the one I liked better. For some reason they were all in half English, half French, and the top of mine said, "Doux." So I said, "Oh my g*d, Daniel, why does this say 'douche'?!" And he grabbed the box, panic striken, and after reading it ... continued to be panic striken for a good additional 4 seconds. And I laughed. So hard.

I didn't laugh so much at the fact that I was able to convince him, albeit momentarily, that the kleenex was actually a douchebox (that's a new insult, try it). I laughed because I imagined his mother, innocently reaching into what she thought was a douchebox and pulling out a kleenex instead. And then she kind of pauses, confused, face melts to terror, and she yells, "Oh no! Danny!"

We were relaying that story to a girl friend of Daniel's and we were laughing about how douche could very well come in a box, as much as we know about it, which is nothing. And she informed us that douche is nothing but vinegar and water! There you go, ladies. I help you out. Save yourself some money.

Speaking of recipes, yesterday I found these really delicious looking avacados at the grocery store. I've never made guacamole before, but I was inspired. So I called my brother because his wife makes a pretty killer batch of guac. Her recipe uses salsa. Holy crap, that's brilliant. Instead of chopping up all the onions and g*d knows what else people pile in there, you just spoon in salsa. And then a little salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Mmm Mmm. I hope she doesn't mind me divulging her secrets here. But seriously, it was so easy and delicious. I left it sitting out and it turned black. Shit. But I have half a mind to go get some more 'cados. But I probably won't.

Oh dear, my father is bringing over new end tables for me tonight and my apartment is a total mess. I should probably at least hide the mess if I don't clean the mess. Hangovers are so demotivating. We'll see how far I get. Is it just me or do my hungover posts jump from subject to subject a lot more than normal? Oh well. Later have-nots.

Daniel's lil sister let us borrow one disc of the latest season of Family Guy. We couldn't help but watch the entire thing last night. On one episode Stewie is getting annoyed because people keep talking while he's trying to watch Mr. Belvedere. So he starts screaming the theme song on top of them. Way funny. But I remarked to Daniel, "How many people on Earth know the Mr. Belvedere theme song well enough to make that joke?" You can be sure it's a minority ... a minority I must be a part of. So we went to YouTube. g*d bless YouTube. Of course they had it. And now, for your viewing pleasure ... the first YouTube I've ever posted on my blog:

I need you all to watch it because you can't hang out with Daniel and I right now without being able to laugh when one of us imitates the trombone intro and we start singing, "Streaks on the china ... never mattered before. Who cares? Drop kick your jacket as you came through the door. No one's there! According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival and we just might live the good life yet." Hilarious. As if people who can afford a fucking fat, sassy British live-in butler haven't quite gotten to experience the good life yet.

When I was trying to find the Mr. Belvedere theme, I was thinking all I could remember is that there was a montage of photos for each cast member. So I'm going to try and recreate it for myself.

Oh man, I'm awesome. Lastly, I just have to mention the SNL sketch where they had a support group for people who were in love with Mr. Belvedere. Only they called him Brocktoon or something like that so that other people outside of the club wouldn't know they were talking about Mr. Belvedere. Holy shit, I never thought my life would be so inundated with a crappy 80's sitcom starring Bob Uecker for xrist's sake. Oh well, you should all be so lucky.

I like to think of myself as an aspirer. There's nothing I really excel at, but there are many, many things I am aspiring to be. Just one of those, as you may know, is a MythBuster. Although I do feel the need to recall my Brita water filter vodka experiment and mention that I did that before the MythBusters did.

Anywho, let me tell you about my latest experiment. This one is based on the episode where they test the absolutely retarded idea that burying beer in the sand, dousing it with gasoline, and lighting it on fire will cool the beer down ... as fire tends to do to things. They obviously busted this myth, but then set about finding out the fastest way to cool down a six pack. Keith can tell you that the fastest way to do so is in a cooler full of ice and salt water. You can bring the temperature of the salt water down to around 25 degrees Fahrenheit, envelop the can in the sub-freezing liquid, and a few minutes later, you've got a frosty cold beer. I've used this a few times in a pinch when the only available case of Kers Lat (or Miller when I'm at Lesbie's) is off the shelf. But it requires a sink, all the ice in the ice maker, and the remainder of salt in the house. Could this be improved?

Hypothesis: If I could get a saline solution with enough salt that it wouldn't freeze solid in the freezer, I could have instant beer cooling liquid on hand at all times. Plop a beer in for 30 seconds, rinse and drink. It should be fast enough that I don't mind doing it one beer at a time.

Research: Now, I do all of my research on the internet from uncertified websites, so if you see any flaws here, please let me know. What I read tells me that the average freezer is set at 0 degrees Fahrenheit ... well below water's freezing point. At first I thought it might be too cold at any salinity. But, another website suggested that when water reaches saturation of salt, the freezing point can be lowered to around -6 degrees Fahrenheit. So, it's probable that if I pour a shit ton of salt into a bowl of water and place it in the freezer, it will still be a liquid in the morning. A super chilled beer frosting liquid.

I was surprised how much salt the water could handle. You wouldn't expect me to be surprised since in the sixth grade I took second place in the science fair with, "Which Liquid Can Hold the Most Salt?" I received glowing comments like, "Why?" No reason, bitch, I was just fucking curious. g*d! Oh well, it was much better than my brother's, "Does Fertilizer Help Plants Grow?" Turns out it does. Anyway, it took about half a can of salt, but I wanted to make absolutely sure that it was saturated and had a few crystals left over that it couldn't absorb. And now, we wait.

I'll keep you all posted on my progress.

Are you gellin'? I'm not tryin' sellin'. I'm just tellin' and spellin'. Sittin' in my dwellin' quellin' the smellin' shellin' words like Ben Jelen. No more swellin' and no more yellin'. I know this is quite compellin'. Rumors dispellin'. I'm excellin' at expellin' foretellin', propellin' rebellin', eatin' melon. So yeah, I'm gellin'.

Sorry about that. I just ruined every Dr. Scholl's commercial for the next 20 years. But seriously, I am gellin' and it is fantastic. My Steve Maddens that I wear every fucking day had gotten quite uncomfortable. There were holes worn straight through the insoles. No only are they hella comfortable now, but they look brand new on the inside. I'm a big fan. The only problem with Dr. Scholl's is that they're so thick that you have to tear out the existing insoles. That can be annoying and destructive but it's well worth it.

I have been trying to figure out lately why I'm always out of money and unable to save a dime. While I was running through some budgets and whatnot, I ran to the local car wash for a 200 dollar wash. My car has never been so clean. Not even on the day I bought it and then rode around legs outstretched in the backseat wrapped in ice and braces for the next 3 months. They like fucking detailed the inside of the trunk, I shit you not. They also waxed it with this MacGuire's stuff and the paint is like smoooooth now. It was so awesome. I highly recommend. Now who can loan me a dollar?

And speaking of saving money, I'm having my teeth whitened next week. Yay. Pretty soon here I need to make it down to Houston to meet my nephew, Will. I might do that not this weekend but the next. I'll keep you all posted. Laaaaaaaaaaate.

I don't get it. I had such a good feeling and it didn't pan out. Weird. Daniel still has a few numbers to check so maybe it'll still work out. You know, you buy one lottery ticket one time and you totally expect to win millions. Life sure is crazy, ain't it? *crooked smile, head shake, casual lean against shoulder height shelf*

So I guess I have to go to work tomorrow. But all the news today wasn't bad. I went to the sleep doctor to discuss the logistics of having a tonsillectomy. I really like the way they take a body part, add -ectomy, and define that as the removal of that body part. Anyway, a tonsillectomy is considered one of the most painful surgeries for adults. It can take like 3 weeks before your life returns to anything like normal. Uuuuuntil NOW!

My doctor said no removing of the tonsils until he gets his new machine. It's some laser that vaporizes tissue. So with a local anesthetic and 30 minutes they vaporize about 90% of the tonsil tissue. And, the healing time is one day. They give you Tylenol and tell you to go to work the next day. Infuckingcredible. So I'm going to be a guinea pig for him. It's going to be so awesome.

Blech, I want guacamole but I think I'll go to bed instead. Later sluts.

Just a little note to let you all know that my brother in Houston, Stephen and his wife Rachel just gave birth to their second child today. His name is Will and he is perfectly healthy and happy. I haven't gotten to see a picture of him yet because my brother is up at the hospital but that should be coming shortly. I'll update when I get that.

I would go down to Houston this weekend to see Will and help out with Kaylyn, but I seem to have contracted the streptococcus bacteria. I'm not positive that I have it, but everyone at work is sick right now. Some douchebag, knowing he had strep throat, came to work anyway so he wouldn't have to use his sick days, and now I think we all have it. My throat is killing me. Fucking douche. People, if you get a highly communicable disease, just work from home. Derrrr.

My first nephew. I'm so excited.

Have you ever been cow tipping? Have you? No? Know somebody who has? I'll bet you do. That's because cow tipping is a myth, an urban legend ... or would that be rural legend? Anyway, let me tell you why I'm even bothering to tell you this.

Today at work, I used the phrase, "That's about as productive as snipe hunting." (For those of you never molested in the boy scouts, snipe hunting is a wild goose chase at night in the woods looking for some bird-like creature that doesn't exist.) After I said that, Trey agreed, "Heh, yeah, or cow tipping." *Cue record scratch followed by tires screeching* Whaaaa? What the hell did he mean by that? Cow tipping happens all the time in the country. I know someone who knows someone who's gone. When I didn't immediately believe him, we had to google it. Check this out.

First off, cows have very acute senses of both smell and hearing. They are skittish animals that sleep lightly, and always with their noses into the wind. Cows don't all sleep at the same time. Some cows are always awake keeping an eye on the closely grouped herd. Sneaking up on a cow, even if it were sleeping, is all but impossible. But let's assume you somehow managed to shimmy up next to a dozing cow. Cows weigh up to 2,000 lbs when fully grown. Do you honestly believe you could push one over? Improbable. That is if you even manage to try before it runs away or you're gored by a jealous bull. Lastly, and perhaps the most convincing fact -- cows sleep laying down. Think about it.

I'm not going to call you all fucktards though, because I certainly thought cow tipping was real. In all honesty, I never thought about it much. You always hear about it and see it in Tommy Boy, but the fact is, it doesn't happen, and hasn't ever happened. One guy at work claimed to have pushed a cow over before until I presented him with the evidence and he eventually admitted perhaps he was too drunk to remember all of the details. Schyeah, perhaps. I asked a few of my friends if they knew that cow tipping wasn't real and none of them did, so I wanted to share it with you so you won't sound stupid at the next hoe-down or rodeo. And I made this picture to help you remember:

Apparently these cows know how to use semi-colons ... and puns. I helped you out!

In other news, my brother's wife is in the hospital in labor. I will have a nephew by tomorrow. Yippee!

I finally did it. I've waited for 2 full years and the other day, I just decided to do it. I'm speaking, of course, about curtains for my bedroom. I was really daunted by the task of keeping my vertical blinds up. I could take them down, but then I'd have to store them and I have nowhere to store them. And to cover them means curtain rod extenders and screwing into studs, and I know nothing about any of that. So I came up with an idea. Instead of big beautiful curtains, I got blackout fabric. It's thin, it's light, and it blocks 100% of the light. I measured each window, cut out a piece of fabric that fit it perfectly, folded the top over, put a few grommets in it and hung it on nails. I can take them down, put them up, fold them in half to get some heat in the winter -- you name it. From the outside it looks all white, just like the vertical blinds, and from the inside, all you see is the vertical blinds, just like the vertical blinds. I couldn't be happier with myself. I have had a string of successful projects. I hope it doesn't end. I can't wait to be hungover this weekend and spend allllll fucking day in bed.

Speaking of bed ... my sleeping is much better. I have been on time to work 3 of the 4 days this week. That's unheard of. I even started showering in the morning instead of at night because I have so much extra time. I was pretty ecstatic. That, sadly and predictably, has faded. I could feel myself building up a sleep debt as each day went by and this morning I finally had to pay it back. I was one hour late to work. Today, coincidentally, was also the day I got the results of my take-home sleep test. I no longer stop breathing 70-90 times an hour. Now it's 22. 22 is the magick number. The lady from the doctor's office asked me how I'd been feeling and I said, "Much better, but not great." And she said, "Oh, how funny. I was just about to say your test results look much better, but not great." At least I'm no longer severe and am now considered moderate. It's looking like the tonsil are going to come out. I'm shying away from it, but I know that I'll eventually do it. I'll keep you all posted.

I bought a pumpkin today. It was an impulse buy. All I wanted were the seeds. I tossed them with butter and salt and roasted them in the oven. They're delicious. My culinary skill grows little by little every day. I can add that to the list with roasted chicken and blueberry pancakes. Rawk.

Have you ever heard of the mosquito frequency? It's this thing that businesses are using to cut down on teenagers loitering outside. It emits a sound at around 17kHz. Apparently teenagers can hear it and it annoys the fuck out of them, but adults cannot hear it. Trey told me about it at work today so we googled it. I found an MP3 of the sound and hit play. It was maddening. Trey accused me of not really hitting play. He couldn't fuckin' hear it! It didn't take long for everyone 25 and under in my immediate area to come over and ask what the hell the sound was. Then Trey believed me it was real. Which is funny because I'm the one that didn't believe him it existed. We gathered up all the old people around us and not one of them could hear it. One guy put it as his ring tone on his cell phone. Apparently teenagers are also using it to their advantage to allow their cell phones to ring during class without the teacher hearing it. I thought it was fascinating enough to share it with you all. CLICK HERE to listen to the most annoying sound in the world. And tell me if you can hear it.

Methinks it's time for me to go to bed. Gotta stick with the sleep rules now that they're slightly effective. Night, sluts.

I am back in Addison! once again. I have managed to finagle a way out of going back to Seattle, at least for the immediate future. I wouldn't be half surprised if I spent at least one more week there. And that's okay. I don't mind occasional travel, it's just this trickery and moving of one's permanent residence that rubs me raw.

So anyway, you know how I'm like full of million-dollar ideas? I've been tossing this one around for a while and I finally figured it out. There hasn't been one plane ride in the recent future that I've not been near a screaming child. Why so many children commute between Seattle and Dallas I will never know. And I must reiterate to you parents, no one thinks your child is cute but you. Don't give me a chuckle and a shake of the head when your deformed looking twins shit their pants on descent and I have to smell it for 30 minutes. That's when I came up with my new airline. Ladies and gentiles, I present to you -- 21+ Airlines!

Just imagine the possibilities. Business travelers wouldn't have to put with with white trash parents that overcrowd the overhead bins with their strollers and rockers. You could actually sleep on the way home after a long week in another city. Boarding and unboarding of the plane would be quick and painless. Yes, 21+ Airlines is a fantastic idea. It might even be a cabin full of first class. And there is a two drink minimum. I'm going to be so fucking rich.

On my flight to L.A. (for my layover, those bastards) I was sitting next to a mother and her 5 year old daughter. The daughter would not stop screaming, kicking the chair in front of her, and crying because her ears were popping. And in between that she was overly excited because she was on her way to Disneyland. She told everyone on the plane she was going. She screeched to her dad a few rows up, "Thanks for taking me to Disneyland, daddy!" All would have been cute in the proper context ... say, a preschool. Or a playground. But on a plane, annoying. So I tried to sleep through the whole flight and when we landed, she siezed the opportunity to tell me she was going to Disneyland. And I said, "Really? Hmm, I don't think it's open this time of year." And the mom laughed, hit me, and said, "Oh, COME ON." But I don't even think the little girl heard me so we had a good laugh over it.

I brought the SkyMall magazine home with me from the plane. I want to order just about everything in there. I think I'm going to finally get some houseplants and then buy an automatic waterer so they might actually stay alive. And I want a hydroponic herb grower. And a gentle wake alarm clock. And a massage chair. And damn, I'm lucky I have no money otherwise it'd be gone.

I think first on my to-do list is to get my windows taken care of. I can't take that sun in my bedroom anymore. It won't be cheap but I think if I just get some heavy fabric, fold it to make it look kind of like vertical blinds, and just nail it to the wall behind the vertical blinds, no one will see it from the inside and no one will notice it from the outside. Unfortunately there's some "rule" against aluminum foil. Jerks.

I felt obliged to update right away because my brother said he was going to remove me from his Favorites list on account that I don't update much lately. I want you all to know that I am not going gentle into that good night, I've just been out of town so fucking much. So bear with me and keep coming back for more.

Any of you that have been to my residence in the past seven or so years have probably had the good fortune of witnessing the most beautiful coffee table ever created. It started out as a normal coffee table donated to my dorm room by a friend of my mother. One freshman year later and the facade was horribly damaged and the finish nearly entirely removed by spilt Everclear. I knew something had to be done, so I enlisted the help of my very artistic and talented friend, JennyC■■■, and soon ended up with this...

It's beautiful. It's creative. I love it. HOWever, it does not exactly fit in with the color palatte of my apartment. I had considered the whole space/ocean/mountain/sky theme for my living room, but instead went with tan and red. Considering Ryan S■■■ and I are someday going to open up Tan & Red Designs together, it was a no-brainer. Anyway, the table holds a lot of sentimental value to me because Jenny and I did it together so long ago, so I knew I couldn't get rid of it. I thought maybe I could cut the legs off and use it as a wall hanging, but again, not really in keeping with my concept of "vintage Parisian." What to do? What to do indeed.

I've been using the table in my bedroom ever since the redesign. It sits directly behind the head of my bed and serves to hold my many extra pillows. You never know when you need to switch in the middle of the night to a softer or firmer or more Tempur-pedic pillow. It's a pillow table. A pillow-table? Solution! I present to each of you, the new and improved pillow-top coffee table. I used three blocks of foam to create each section and then covered the whole thing in faux leather vinyl stuff. After I stapled it down, I put a row of brass tacks between each cushion and then a border of brass tacks around the edge. I didn't think it would turn out showcase quality, but I was pleasantly surprised at how well I did. It isn't perfect, but it's perfect for me. I think it looks so cool. So fashion forward. (Sorry, I just got done watching Project Runway.) It was a fun little project, and one that I have a bruised thumb and several bleeding cuts to show for. You know me, my art hurts me so. I had to offer it up for your approval. As always, I'll entertain your comments as long as your comments entertain me.

My trip to Washington, D.C. and New York City is fast approaching. If you'd like to hang out be sure to let me know. I've already gotten word from JonS■■■ and Mr. K■■■■■■. Hopefully, I'll be able to hook up with Topher in NYC. As an added bonus, the Monday after I get home from vacation, I will be jetting off to Seattle! You believe that? So if anybody is in the northwest, also let me know. Mr. Ryan C■■■■■■ has already expressed an interest, but I should have puh-lenty of time up there, so I'd love some company. g*d, I'm such a jetsetter. I think it's bed time. Czech you sluts later!

I was trying to take a picture of my tonsils for you. They are so swollen and painful that I ended up taking myself to the emergency room yesterday morning. I wish you could all see them but even the best picture that I was able to take is a high contrast, blurry, red mess. They really are disgusting though, trust me. Turns out, I have an infection, but since I'm already on penicillin to ward off bacterial infections, and there's nothing to be done for viral infections, they basically told me to go home. If the pain doesn't subside soon, I'm going to go absolutely crazy. I'm actually sick of being on pain medication. Never thought I'd say that.

As I was traipsing through the pictures on my camera, I found these that I took the night I invented ash tray liners. Daniel has these really cool ash trays. Anytime we smoke inside, Daniel has to dump them out into some aluminum foil (to avoid the old-cigaratte smell eminating from the trashcan) and wipe them out with Clorox wipes. We call it "the dump and the wipe." I was pretty sure I could find a way to eliminate the need with an aluminum foil disposable liner. It took me a while, and a bunch of prototypes, but I finally came up with an easily repeatable manufacturing process. It's patented, though. I just thought I'd show it to you because you might want to come up with your own patented process if you have ashtrays. It really does simplify life. Of course, you could always just make your ashtrays completely out of aluminum foil like I do. I'm getting pretty good at it.

KaboomTwon has been rescheduled for Labor Day weekend, September 3rd. (No, that wasn't a typo. I've decided to call our second KaboomTown party, KaboomTwon.) Daniel and I want to serve mojitos at this one. My fear isn't that they're hard or time consuming to make, it's that I can't come up with a good name for them. I assume we'll be having Grizzy Gooses and Kaboomcrown'n'cokes again, and "mojito" just doesn't stand up to that. So let's have a contest to come up with a Labor Day, firework, KaboomTwon inspired name for a Mojito. The winner might get an invitation to the partay.

And finally, let's close with our product placement of the day. Today we feature the simplehuman line of trash receptacles. These are, in my opinion, the finest trashcans money can buy. I've featured here, my 40 liter semi-round step-on can as well as Daniel's 30 liter pull-out model. He doesn't have a lot of floor space in his kitchen so it was the perfect model. They also make their own simplehuman trash bags that are custom fitted to our cans. They are the finest trash bags, way better than any Glad force flex or any shit like that. These are really thick and truly won't rip when you stuff them full. I love it. Is anybody listening to me?

I'm really diggin' this ClustrMaps thing I have going on. I want to thank Joseph for emailing me about it. Looks like the Sidesho is a lot more popular on the east coast than the west. Should I mold my brand of humor to benefit my already strong demographic? You know, make jokes about the Atlantic ocean n stuff. Or maybe I should be focusing on trying to bring up the readership in states I don't already have an uncompromising strong-hold on. Perhaps I'll start with Utah. Haha, fucking Mormons. They're all insane, did you know that? It's like the perfect blend of xristianity and Scientology. They think jebus will fly them a spaceship and drop their asses off on their own planet where they'll be free to engage in secret handshakes and secret tacky underwear without being under the watchful eye of rational people. joey smith bless 'em, they're all fucking mad!

Well that was tangential. My hungover posts tend to be a bit more random than the sober ones. My brother's wife's brother was supposed to come get my old couch, oh, 6 weeks ago. I was going to donate it but as a personal favor to him, I held onto it. It's totally cluttering my apartment. He couldn't find a truck so I gave him 3 weeks to do so, after which my brother's wife had to go to the hospital for a bit and her brother went to Houston to help out. So then I felt bad and had to give him an extension on picking it up. But that was like 3 weeks ago, so I've had this shit for a WHILE. On Thursday, the Salvation Army is coming by to get it. I can't wait to get my entryway back.

Went out on the yacht again on Thursday. I left work early and met the troops. They pulled into port to pick me up and were just gonna swing by the dock, I'd make a running leap onto the boat and we'd speed out of there. No need to park or any of that nonsense. So they pulled up, I jumped on and we sped off ... right into a sandbar. Luckily the lake was deserted, because we were fucking stuck. It was pretty funny but we couldn't laugh because Alexander was getting pissed. After about 20 minutes of revving the engines in reverse and kicking up a ton of dirt in the water, we finally got out on the lake. They had blown up a little 3-seater raft and were dragging it behind the boat. I rode it for a while. It was hella fun but I'm not much of a thrill seeker so I got back on the boat and let Kelly take my place. Next time we do that, I'm gonna go ahead and suggest we all have life vests on. As much as I'd hate a life vest tan, Jordan almost died. We hit this huge wave, Daniel threw up, and Jordan went limp, airborn, and under. It was scary and funny. He said he didn't remember falling out and woke up in the lake. Luckily he was okay. Not too much else happened -- oh, except that I can officially say I've been skinny dipping in Lake Lewisville. No details!

So I haven't worked out in like a month. Don't know why, I'm just lazy and can't get back into it. I was really concerned when I went the other day (isolated incident) that I would have gained back all that weight I worked so hard to lose. But I weighed myself ... and I lost three more pounds!!!1! Do you believe that shit? This "eating right" malarky must really work. g*d, I eat so much more than I used to. I usually have at least 6 meals a day and they're all packed with nutritional goodness. That makes a grand total of 21 pounds lost from the time I started eating right. I don't think you could have looked at me a few months ago and said "hey fatty mcfatfatfat fuckfat, lose some weight." Like I don't think I looked that fat, but fuck me, I look good now. I don't even think I weighed this little when I graduated college. Rawk.

Let's see, let's see, what else can I brag about. Oh! I think I might be an amazing cook. The other day I was in the grocery store and randomly decided to cook dinner for Daniel. I think all he ever eats is fast food junk food, and he's been having problems with his stomach so I thought a home cooked meal would be good for him. I roasted a g*ddamned chicken! Do you believe that shit? I like stuffed it with onions and celery and put a dry rub on it of salt, pepper, all spice, and cinnamon. And I baked it for 2 hours, and basted it every 20 minutes. It was so insane. I'm a masterbaster. It came out like perfect. Its the best chicken I've ever had. And on top of that, the whole bird was 6 dollars, and I got two very large dinner portions and a whole heaping plate of leftovers. I'm going to roast a bird once a week from now on. If we'd stop going out for oysters and wood fired lobster maybe I'd actually get a chance to eat some of my chicken delight.

I think that should be enough for now. I'm heading to my parents' house to watch World Cup Soccer with my brother Michael. He is in from California. His daughter Kelsey is THE cutest thing on Earth (perfectly tied with Kaylyn and Ann Marie). Then I get to have dinner with Miss Allison "Google" H■■■■■■. What a great day. Oh and my sister called. She is having a boy! Two nephews coming soon! Later skillets.

I finally finished painting my bedroom. I have never been so proud of myself for anything in my life. I think it looks so good, almost like an adult, put together bedroom. My bed floats in the middle of the room now. I still need a new end table, new lamps, new bed frame, new table, and new curtains, but the biggest portion of the work is done. It was really hard for me to get one good picture that showed it off, so I took a few. The fourth one is to show you that I did, indeed, repaint my router to match.

I also cut all my hair off and I'm growing a beard. This is a life makeover. Now if I could just stop chain smoking and skipping the gym. I was doing so well for a while there. I'll get back on it soon. I fell off of my diet somewhat due to my trip to Houston for Memorial Day weekend. It was totally worth it though. I went to visit my brother and help out with his impregnito wife and baby daughter. Kaylyn is the cutest thing, and now that she can talk, she is funny too. It was really nice to get to know her, and have her know who I am. About every 5 minutes she would ask, "Where's Uncle David?" if I wasn't in her immediate view. She'll be 2 in July. I can't believe she's getting so big so fast.

I also got to see Kevin. We drank a lot and played darts. I ended up losing after coming from way behind to take the lead. That g*d damn bullseye. I could not hit it. The rest of the nights I hung out with my brother. We saw X3. I thoroughly enjoyed it, although it wasn't the best X-Men movie, I didn't think. Still worth seeing though. One night we went to this place called Whiskey River. It was a totally open up barn type building with this wasted, barefoot guy playing guitar on stage. When we walked in he was berrating some paying customers that had asked him to please stop yelling and cussing into the microphone. It sent him into a tirade about being in the service industry. This guy was so bad, I can hardly explain it. His guitar was so out of tune that my brother noticed it. That's pretty bad.

There are a few distinct stereotypical guitar players. There's the "plays Dave at college parties" guitar player. There's the "pseudo lesbian Ani-wanna-be" guitar player. There's the "stuck-in-the-80s all I wanna do is wail ARE YOU READY TO ROOOOCK YOW!" guitar player. There's the "classically trained and snooty as hell because of it" guitar player. I like to consider myself a "only knows 3 songs and plays them repeatedly" guitar player. If you can think of any more, please feel free to share. Anyway, after one second of looking at the entertainment for the night, I remarked to my brother, "This guy LOVES Pearl Jam, I guarantee it." So we started yelling for him to play some Pearl Jam. The only song we could think of was Jeremy. He told us that he would play Jeremy because it was a great song, but never fucking did. He did, however, play some Pearl Jam, and as you would expect, he did it in his best Eddie Vetter impression voice. So fucking lame. When we left, my brother held down the horn from the time we got in the car until we left the parking lot to interrupt his show. Too damn funny.

I think that's all the news to report. Leave me some comments on how I have the best fucking bedroom in the world. Thaaaaaaaanks.

Alright, look. I know why people do it. It's because I'm a bastard. I get it. Turnabout fair play blah blah blah. But look here to the right where I quote my little stabs at people's grammar and spelling. They're fucking hilarious. I take a typographical error within the context of the conversation and turn it into a joke. It's so different from what you people do to me.

I don't know how many times I have been having an IM conversation and I say some shit like, "I'm going to teh mall," and people will reply with, "TEH mall? What is TEH mall roflz!!!!1" Not funny. It's not that the comment in and of itself bothers me, but the fact that you are so fucking not funny. Correcting my spelling or my grammar or my word usage isn't cute, it's fucking obnoxious. People that do it are fucking obnoxious.

I'm not typing these things to you ever few days in some word processor with spell check. I write them in a format very similar to Notepad. I do this because as much as I write them in my head before I sit down, they always flow a little better and little differently when I type them out as fast as I possibly can. And that is unbelievably fast and usually with some sort of rythmn to the keys. I don't bother myself with spelling and grammar because it would be a detriment to the humor.

As dedicated as I am to being correct, and as much as I skim over the entries once before I post them, holy fucking shit, I occasionally make a mistake. Do you see how many words are on this fucking screen, how many entries I've typed in the past 3 years? What are the g*d damn odds that I would not know that stalactites aren't spelled the same as stalagmites. Or that a caveat isn't actually an exception to a rule, just a qualification or explanation of one. Give me a fucking break. And just be forewarned that if you find a mistake in this entry, it won't be the least bit amusing to point it out.

If you don't have something funny to say, don't say anything at all.

Aight, so check it. Remember that movie Lorenzo's Oil? It was that movie where Susan Sarandon had a son that went retarded. He had an absurdly rare disease that no doctors could cure, so she took it upon herself to find a solution. After falling asleep on a stack of books, she decided to pump her son full of vegetable oil and then everything was fine. (That's a brief summary. If you ever take 9th grade science, you should watch it for yourself.)

That's how I feel right now. There is something so wrong with me, so rare, so inexplicable that it's going to be up to me to figure out how to fix it. I am in the midst of a round of meeting with very expensive doctors not covered by my insurance plan. I have a few more to see before I make my decisions. I could just trust one and go with it, but everyone seems to have a different idea -- and also tells me the others are wrong. Right now, I'm basically double checking my hypothesis with a few different specialists. I know no one and nothing can promise to help me, I just want to make sure I don't do any permanent damage to myself.

My basic idea is this. If no one idea is right, maybe they all are. So this is what I'm going to do (barring any doomsday predictions from a specialist). First, I need to clear a path for some air to get into my lungs while I'm sleeping. That's going to involve some demo. Good bye, tonsils! So long self-elongating uvula! That's only half the journy of the air though. Hello, rhinoplasty! I'm going to have my deviated septum corrected to increase airflow through my nose. Of course, all of this new real estate won't do much fucking good if my throat is collapsed in the gap. So I will have 3 foam pillars inserted into my soft palate to keep it from falling. And to make sure that my jaw doesn't fall backwards into my reinforced palate, I will get a TAP (Thornton Anterior Positioner). This is a specially designed "retainer" that you wear at night that pulls your mandible forward to keep the airway open. If all of that doesn't work, I will reintroduce the CPAP to supply sufficient air.

Why the fuck not? You don't need your tonsils or uvula, and my tonsils are huge. An ENT (ear nose and throat) doctor will confirm this for me. There are no adverse effects to having a firmer soft palate. A retainer never hurt anyone. I think the combo punch is going to be the only way to fix myself. If all of that doesn't work, then breathing isn't my fucking problem and my "peculiar REM brain waves" the doctor witnessed will have to be addressed by a neurosurgeon. Let's pray to Chuck Norris that isn't the case.

This is going to be horrendously expensive, since all the work will be done by specialists. My insurance won't cover the majority of it because it's all elective. And don't get me started on how painful it is to have your tonsils out as an adult or have your deviated septum undeviated. But I'm ready and willing. I'm sick of this shit and I'm puttin it to rest.

Okay, I've got a couple for all of you Google-Earthers out there ... or is it Googler-Earths? Check out [43.8789746068,-103.459672608] and [34.1341770342,-118.321979438]. They are both really cool if you turn on "terrain" and then tilt it to the max. If you don't have any idea what I'm talking about, you need to get your ass to earth.google.com, stat! (Did you know the term "stat" is an abbreviation for the Latin word statim, meaning "immediately?" I didn't. I just googled it.)

I encourage all of you to find something cool, obscure, recognizable and post it on a comment here.

Lately I have been really into trying these local dives around town. It started with the Rainbow Cafe -- I know, I know, big shocker that I went there. But it's actually just a great little soda fountain eatery in beautiful downtown Carrollton. I don't think they've remodeled (or cleaned) since 19dickity4. They have a big rainbow awning over their soda fountains and make shakes and stuff. They also have the most kickass hamburgers and they come with a figurative BUCKET of tater tots. There are so many of them that I have to put some in my zipper pocket to eat later.

Then after Brett S■■■ and I woke up on Sunday (at 9:00am, for some ung*dly reason) we tried to go to IHOP but the line was too long. So we drove a bit further and came upon Pete's Cafe -- "Come on in, for Pete's sake." Too clever and they served breakfast all day long. Our waitress's name was Doris, she was a delightful 60-something woman who called me "honey." Her birthday was last week. It just could not have been more quaint, and the food kicks ass too. Brett wasn't feeling 100% so when asked what he'd like to drink, he said, "A big ol' whoppin' glass of water." Why he said that, we both may never know. Drugs is cool. But Doris brought me my coffee and water, and the brought Brett the biggest glass they had. Too funny. Doris is a sweetheart and I can't wait to see her again.

Then today when I left work to go get something done at the public library (on account that the noise levels in my office are raising my blood pressure rapidly), I happened by this place only called "Donuts" that I've driven past 100 times. I decided to stop in. The requisite little Asian woman behind the counter greeted me. I had 3 different kinds of kolaches, all of which were fantastic. She even warmed them up for me in the microwave and snuck 4 different kinds of donut holes onto my plate when I wasn't looking. I sat at this oooold-skool bar while I ate. A donut shop with a bar? So rad.

Look, buddy, all I'm tryin' to say is that there's more to life than Smith and Wollensky's, Pappas Bros, and Three Forks. All of which sound just delicious right now. Maybe I'll go there tonight. I'm getting my hair did tonight, though, so it might have to wait until tomorrow. I expect that when I return from Cincinnati, myself and the Addison Circle will be hitting up these delightful restaurants?

Now get GOOGLING EARTH!

I've had this stupid nagging cough for almost two weeks now. It is really starting to get old. I lay awake at night hacking up a lung and I can't sleep and it's affecting the quality of my life. Before I went to Kaylyn's birthday party, I went to a doctor to make sure I wouldn't get her sick. He said my cough actually wasn't caused by disease but was just a bronchial irritation. I relayed this information to the guys at work and we decided that the sleep rules are actually to blame.

You see, I sleep at 65 degrees every night now. It feels great. But the other thing that cold air does is give up moisture easily. So effectively what I'm really doing is breathing in cold ass, dry ass air all night long and it eventually started to adversely affect me. So I did the only logical thing. I bought a humidifier. It's a really nice humidifier that can control to a set point. So now I'll be livin' at 50% humidity no matter what the temperature is in my apartment. I think it's really important to be totally in control anyway.

But that doesn't arrive until tomorrow. In the meantime I filled a couple of prescriptions that the doctor gave me. One's a pill to like get rid of the inflamation in my chest and the other is ... drum roll please ... cough syrup with codeine! YAY! Sippin' on some sizzurp! This is good news because my last bottle just expired. That should save me some money on alcohol this weekend.

Andy, the old roommate from back in Feb-Apr has been staying with me this week. I took him to my gym a couple of times since he is a personal trainer, fully willing to pay the ridiculous 20 dollar guest fee, but it turns out I get two free guest passes each month. So if anybody ever wants to go with me let me know. I work out 7 days a week now. Did you know that? It's true.

Well, I've just made some delicious chicken breast tacos so I might have to go indulge. Peace out, sluts.

This weekend I went down to Houston for my niece's 1st birthday party. It was pretty fun. She is entirely too cute. Entirely. She really liked the helium filled balloons. In fact, when she saw one, she was ecstatic. When her uncle brought out a bunch of about 40 balloons we literally thought she might explode. I've never heard such primal elation as I did from the squeal that erupted from her lips. Priceless.

The party raged on long after Kaylyn had gone to bed. There was much liquor and beer, but I really hadn't had but one drink by the time I got a text message from a friend asking if I wanted to sneak away. I really did. It wouldn't have been a problem so he said he would call me as soon as he left a party and then we could get together. Around 12:30am I realized he wasn't going to call and I had, once again, been ditched.

I've been thinking about this for a while. This is hardly the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. This is the straw that kicked the camel while he was already dead because you couldn't teach him a new trick to drink water squeezed from a turnip. If you want to know the truth, I get ditched, dodged, or stood up about 2 or 3 times a week. Anytime I make plans with someone, my faith that they will actually call or come wanes every single time my pessimism is proven correct. First, I thought maybe it was because I was relying too heavily on others to remember. But after a significant number of unanswered phone calls, unheard voicemails, unread text messages and ignored IMs, I decided that wasn't the problem.

But, it is indeed my fault. I've 180ed so drastically from the angry little shit I used to be that I've actually overcompensated into an equally undesirable extreme. Nothing bothers me. Nothing. It doesn't matter what you do to me, I will be over it forgiven and forgotten before you can say "taken advantage of." I thought what I was doing was being a really nice guy, always understanding, never quick to anger. Instead what I've realized I did was effectively lower the standard of friends that I have. You know that if you leave me hanging, the next time you see me, I probably won't even mention it. In this persistent pattern I have become responsible for the unreliability of those around me.

And I apologize. I promise it won't happen anymore.

My mom is in the process of cleaning out the upstairs of her house. This involves giving me boat loads of crap from my past every time she sees me. The other day I became the proud owner of a stack of old papers written by yours truly, the greatest writer ever. Actually, some of it is pretty bad, as you might expect from a 3rd to an 8th grader, but I just came across something that absolutely cracked me up.

I found my stunning epic novel entitled John and the Little People. I wrote it in the third grade and it is bound and fully illustrated -- pretty pimp. The funny thing is that this story perfectly parallels Gulliver's Travels. In fact, I vividly remember plagerizing what I did not know at the time was one of the most well known stories ever told. Why nobody ever called me out on it, I will never know. It's hardly the lesson to teach an 8 year old that blatant copying will go unpunished. My favorite sentence in the whole book:

"He soon found out that he wasn't paralyzed; he was tied down by tiny, strong cords!"

Ha! I used a semi-colon in the 3rd damn grade. Half of you skeezes couldn't do that now.

My report on The Killer Angels from 8th grade was lackluster, to say the least, even though Wenger gave me a 94 ... something I don't recall happening all that often. My poetic skillz back in '91 leave a lot to be desired. I know my pen pal letter to a kid in Columbia was a written assignment, but why I chose to tell him that I watch Hometime every day after school and my favorite episode is the one where they put up tile-backer is beyond me.

The other strange thing is the papers written about my brother, Stephen. There are many. I have one nicely typed biography of him that details his philanthropic misadventures that ends, "The less fortunate and the well-to-do have both benefitted from him, even if I never have." Another paper details how he always has the remote control. One annoying thing he does is taking control of the TV. The first words out of his mouth when we get home are, "I get control!" He then flips though all 99 channels. Of course, we only have less than 60. Then he goes to the B channels. He stops on stuff like church preachers and faith healers. Then we have to watch channel 12B. It is the twenty-four hour fish network. It shows different fish tanks and changes every 15 minutes. We always have to see it change. Then he goes back to A channels to 3. USA has Night Rider on twice in a row after school. That's OK but it takes us 15 minutes to get there. They never should have let me pass 8th grade. I turned this shit in!

I am laughing my ballz off at this stuff. One more description (moreso for my brother than any of you) and then I'm done. The last paper I failed. It was supposed to be a compare/contrast but all I do is slam Stephen throughout it. Because he's 16, he can drive. My parents take advantage of that and make him pick me up from school. He has the loudest, highest pitched, most annoying horn ever. He loves to lay it on when he gets me at the corner. People inside Wilson can hear it. At Christmas, he would play the first seven notes of Jingle Bells. I yell at him every day and then he hits me. I go on to explain that I cannot hit him back since he's driving. Even though most of the time, I remember doing the steering. He thinks he knows everything because he is in the eleventh grade. He always tries to give me advice on things I don't need advice on. I know when next year comes, he is going to want to help me pick classes. Hahaha.

Then I contrast that with how we like the same TV shows, again mentioning Hometime. Then: We like to play baseball in our backyard. We play with a whiffle bat and tennis balls. We have about 120 tennis balls because my mom takes rejects from Plano Tennis Organization or something. We hit them over the neighbors' fence and the husband gets peeved at us. Homerun Derby was always so much fun. My favorite line from the paper is, "I don't like him to think he's all bad because he's taller than me." Who writes like that on an English paper? Well, I mean, I do ... I guess I did all the way through college. Now check out this conclusion: I guess having an older brother with you through life isn't all that bad. I might even miss him when he kicks the bucket. I'll be old by then and probably senile so I won't even know or care, come to think of it.

Shazzam! I hope some of you might have found some amusement in that. I am going to see Stephen on Saturday morning. Sunday is my niece Kaylyn's 1st birthday and she is hosting a kegger. It should be really fun. I got her ultra cute presents. Alright, literature lovers, it is time for me to retire.

My brother went to some flea market in Humble and found a vendor with a bunch of belt buckles. When he saw this one, he thought of me and bought it for me. Luckily I still have my old cowboy belt to slap it onto and I wore it out on Friday. I called Stephen to tell him I was pimpin' the van buckle but that I couldn't tuck my shirt in or else I'd look stupid. He said, "Then just tell your friends about it when you see them and show them." The first thing I did when I got to Ryan S■■■'s apartment was lift up my shirt and say, "Did you see my belt buckle?" and when he started laughing, I followed it up with, "Idn't that wild? You ever seen anything like dat?" Wouldn't you know, I ended up saying that to everyone I saw on Friday ... and Saturday. Idn't that funny how alcohol can bring out the obnoxious catch phrases that are living inside you, dying to get out? Idn't that wild? I just wanted Steve to know that I do like the belt buckle and I definitely did make sure everyone saw it.

The other thing I wanted to show you was my new Beethoven bust. When we were in Wisconsin we went to my grandmother's old house and were invited to loot anything we wanted. This had been on her piano for many, many, many years. I just knew it would look awesome on my shelves in my living room. I think I was right. It adds just a touch of class. This morning I got a productivity bug (also known as a hangover) and decided to touch up the red paint in my living room that I originally put on the wall months ago. Now all the edges are cleeeeaaaan. I still have to do my entire bedroom, but I just never got around to it. I will probably do that in the coming days. Well, that's enough for the picture pages. Hope you enjoyed your visit to my apartment (and my crotch).

This past weekend, I was in beautiful Oshkosh, Wisconsin for the F■■■■ Family Reunion. We had matching T-shirts and everything. I was there from Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon. Rather than say anything negative about my own flesh and blood, I'd like to recount some of the highlights of my weekend.

By far the best part of it was my immediate family all getting together. It was the first time that all 11 of us had been together (the 11 being comprised of the 6 in my original family, 3 spouses, and two nieces). The big news of the weekend? Pretty soon it'll be 12. My brother Michael told us all that his wife, Krouton, is pregnant. This'll be their first baby and my third niecephew. So exciting.

My two existing nieces could not be any cuter. Ann Marie finally let me hold her for any period of time without screaming bloody murder. We got to hang out quite a bit. Kaylyn is absolutely hilarious. She's to the age where she's almost walking and almost talking. She really likes kitties and puppies. I think for her birthday in July, I'll get her 3 of each. And a drumset.

The reunion was alright. I didn't remember everybody's names, which was a tad embarassing. But I got to see my grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and the newest generation of great-grand children. There were some interesting characters that have managed to marry their way into my lineage. The best part was ... all blonde hair, all blue eyes. It's like the Children of the Corn.

And I'm still single, so if you wanna get in on this, I'm your last chance. HA!

I got my hair did today. It looks incredible. I am so excited. I will take a picture of it soon for all of you loyal Sidesho-viewers. It was by far the most expensive haircut I have ever gotten, and it was by far worth every penny. Money just can't buy the sheer extasy that I get from a killer haircut. I got it done by Xristopher at Pompeo ... he's the new Hannah.

While I was there, they were filming a reality TV show that is based around the salon, the stylists, and exacerbates emphasizes how shallow and pretentious Dallas is. A show about how shallow and pretentious Dallas is ... on the day I'm there having my hair highlighted. Fantastic. They interviewed Xristopher WHILE he was doing my hair, and asked him to please turn me more toward the camera. So I think I'm totally going to be on this new reality TV show on TLC. I forget what they were calling it, it's something like Chic Dallas or something stupid. How funnoying.

I just invented a new word. Did you notice?

Tonight is Brent and Levi's housewarming party. Last night Ryan S■■■ and I drank SO much straight vodka while dancing in our pj's to Neil Diamond that it would make you sick. I know it made me sick. So my body is really crying to stay home, but my liver says to go out ... and you should always listen to your liver. So much iron. I'm off! Czech you skillets on the flip side.

My new niece could not have been cuter. She is so, so tiny. She has a full head of hair that is probably the softest thing I have ever felt. I got her a green outfit for her birthday because I didn't want her to get pinched next Thursday. She's just a baby, for g*d's sake. It's not nice to pinch babies. She's too young for beer, but maybe my sis will be festive and feed her green breast milk.

That was gross, sorry. Not much else of note going on over here. I'm counting the days until Sweden just trying not to get fired before then. Tomorrow is the day Home and Garden will call me and let me know that I've won this years 3.5 million dollar dream home in Tyler, TX, along with the new Chevy Denali (sp?) and the $250,000 in cash. I can't wait to move in. I mean I entered like 10 times, so I'm a total shoo-in.

This'll be like the time I won an enormous stuffed animal from the dentist named Kiki. One time, I said to my brother, "Let's play beat the Kiki! I get the stick!" and took one swing at the enormous koala bear with the dowel rod we used to protect us from someone opening our bedroom window. One swing and the eye broke in half and rolled away. I was so upset. I didn't hit a baseball in 4 seasons, but I can crack an eyeball with a dowel rod in one try.

Why is it that tomorrow is spelled t-o-m-o-r-r-o-w but I abbreviate it as "tomm?"

I think I've decided to get a tattoo. Which I probably shouldn't tell you all because my brother will read and tell my mother and she will go absolutely ape-shit. But as of yet, I don't know what I want or where. So I'll entertain your suggestions, as long as your suggestions entertain me.

Thanks for all the great comments on my new layout, bitches! *makes masturbatorial motion*

I am twice the uncle I was yesterday morning. My second niece, Ann Marie, was born yesterday evening around 5:30pm. Maybe I should call her my "youngest" niece instead of my "second" niece. I really don't want to set up a hierarchy until they are old enough to do gymastics and spelling bees and such.

This is my sister's first baby. From what I hear all are doing well, and she is happy and healthy with 10 fingers, 10 toes, and a full head of black hair.

Black hair?! That's right. This kid is not a F■■■■. I am leaving bright and early tomorrow morning to go meet Ann Marie. Living equidistant from your two child-having siblings has its advantages. I need to go down and see my brother and Kaylyn (and Rachel) soon. Maybe I'll do that just as soon as I get back from Sweden.

So that means no craziness for me tonight. It gives me a convenient excuse to stay home and work on my new layout, which I would have done anyway, but now people won't judge me as harshly. I'm hoping to finish it tonight, but there's a chance I won't. Then I'll be in OKC all day tomorrow possibly returning tomorrow night to attend a very 1Miles birthday celebration. We'll see how it pans out. Hope you kids have a good weekend!

Day 1 of sobriety gone and done. How easy could this be? Since my rehabilitation experiment opening day fell on a workout cardio day, I decided to hit it extra hard. I rode the stationary bike for 15 minutes as a warm up and then did that fucking elliptical machine for a solid hour. Holy crap, my knees are all swollen up and I sweat my ass off. The last time I had my heart beat at 160 bpm for over an hour was ... well ... I can't even make a sex joke there because that would be false.

Although my progress will all be relative to today, I do want to share with you all some of my achievements as of late. Not only did I double my cardio time, but I doubled the amount that I bench press. Also, instead of gaining 5 lbs every week like I had been for the past few weeks, this time, I lost 2 lbs. Kick ass. But today is ground zero. This is what all progress will be measured against. I'm really hoping that 28 days from now will be this huge success story. Something akin to Celebrity Fit Club.

Ryan S■■■ has decided to join me in my quest for Febrehabruary. (That's rehab in February, for any of you who haven't put that together yet.) Except Ryan has put his own spin on it. By not drinking, he is attempting to see as many movies as he can in an experiment he has dubbed "Febreviewary." G*d, I have clever friends. JonS■■■ has recently moved back to Dallas (thank jebus, Houston is the armpit of the world) and is intrigued by Febrehabruary. He's decided to join my quest. He doesn't have a witty name for his yet, though. I've decided that as added incentive, any of my readers who don't drink for the 28 days of February (those who normally would drink ... and those who aren't dirty liars AND alcoholics) are invited to go out with me on March 1st. All drinks are me! Yippee!

Maybe I shouldn't think about drinking this early on.

My final weekend of going out prior to Febrehabruary was a stunning success. Raul never came, nor did he ever call. Disaster? No, time to call in the pinch hitter. Marshall was looking for a weekend outside of College Station so I told him to come see me. After blatantly ignoring all of my directions about 4 times, and circling the greater DFW metroplex, he finally arrived at my apartment.

For the next 4 hours Marshall got ready to go out. It wasn't a big deal that he took forever applying makeup since we were waiting on his friendgirl to get here. The girl was dreadfully abrassive. After I gave her directions to my apartment, she called Marshall's phone and said, "I'm here." We each took one final look in the mirror and put our shoes on before she called again. I answered and she said, "I SAID I was HERE so get your fuckin ass DOWN HERE." And I replied, "I beg your pardon? Do you think this is Marshall?" And she said, "I don't give a shit who it is, I SAID GET DOWN HERE." What a lovely way to introduce yourself to someone who has invited you to their apartment and offered to drive you downtown. It was pretty typical behaviour for her, it turns out.

We had a good time out at the bars with the whole gang. Since we arrived at 12:30am there wasn't much time to get a good buzz going. We did our best though. The night wound down with some dancing at S4. The next day, I took Marsha to the West Village for some real shopping. I forced him to try on some expensive clothes, but he didn't end up buying anything. I, on the other hand, bought a wonderful magickal shirt. It is the coolest shirt ever. It has a big sequin and beadwork butterfly on the back. I got so many compliments on it, its not even funny. Even though, it did make me laugh.

That night, we went back to S4, with Tagalong McIllmannered in tow again. I was looking good, feeling good, and got hit on for the first time in far too long. I probably got hit on by 26 people.

I have a bottle of vodka and a handful of beers (well, not a literal handful, cause that's just one) in the fridge that need to go away before Tuesday. I'm gonna blue bell it. That's a noun I just verbified to mean that I'm gonna drink all I can and give away the rest. If anybody wants my leftovers or wants to come over on Monday to help me dispose of it, let me know. I'll be contacting you all next from the land of sobriety. Laaaaaaaaate!

I hope everyone had a vurry murry Xmas. I know I did ... and I don't even believe in jebus! My preggers sister and her hubby and my brother, his wife and baby daughter all came to town. My other brother in California couldn't make it this year. It was a blast opening presents, especially watching Kaylyn open hers. I got some pretty good booty, and since everyone else is doing booty posts right now, I wanted my own booty post. (I think it's stupid to call it booty.)

I wanted to make it easy for you all to skim and see what I got so I made this kickass picture of my stuff. What you see here is:

1. trashcan for my bathroom
2. proper wine opener
3. silly bottles of peppers for my kitchen
4. wine from the Sierra Foothills
5. three sizes of cookie sheets and a pizza sheet
6. space heater WITH remote control ha!
7. little wooden rubber band powered airplane?

All that and a bag of chips. And by "bag of chips" I mean a "fat check from my parents that will pay for half of a plane ticket to Australia and cements the fact that I am really going." So exciting. The greatest gift was my family going to church without hassling me, guilt tripping me, or even inviting me. I was overwhelmed by that gesture.

I'm not sure what's on the slate for New Years but I'm pretty sure I am going to run around Dallas with Ryan S■■■. If anybody would like to join hit me up before then. Ugh, I have to work this week. That's going to suck. Czech you sluts later.

This weekend Ryan H■■■■ came into town with his new girlfriend, Paula, her brother, Michael, and his girlfriend, Amanda. We were planning on playing 3-Man on account of the good memories dredged up by my last post, but it ended up being annoyingly difficult to figure out the rules, so we opted for the old standby, Suits. As an added bonus, our dear friend Princess called me early Saturday afternoon to talk when I managed to convince him to make the drive to Dallas to hang out. My first real company!

I spent all night Friday making sure my place would be presentable when everyone arrived. It was no small feat. Despite the rainstorm, Ryan and the gang showed up a little after 8:00 and we got some Pei Wei for dinner. Princess took a detour through Shreveport to get to Addison so he showed up a little later once the drinking had already commenced. We tore through a couple of cases of beer between us all. During the course of the night, I got a new welcome mat, compliments of one of my guests and one of my neighbors. By the morning they had taken their mat back. Fucking selfish bitches. I hate my neighbors now.

The next morning, Princess and I spent a whole day shopping. We were all over the metroplex seeking out the coolest shops. We didn't buy any clothes but we both added about 100 items to our wanted lists. Princess found a really cool coat that he needs 300 dollars for, and a pair of jeans that he needs 120 for. These are the most important items. I found an entire store that I need 10,000 dollars to clean out, but I have put a freeze on my wardrobe supplements until I get my apartment in working order. That's one thing this non-smoking thing is about. I will save roughly 20 bucks a week being smoke-free, which could add up to a few extras around the apartment.

This week I only have to work until Wednesday, and since no one is in the office, trust me when I say, I won't be working much. Rawk! I left so early today. But in my defense, it was raining, and we all know I don't like the rain. Then it's time for a five day weekend that includes A Very H■■■■■■ Thanksgiving, the Ryan Cabrera concert con Thommi, an appointment at MAC, and a lot of time spent with Kaylyn, the baby. Hurrah!

Footnote: Owen's webpage just had me in stitches. His posts have gotten increasingly better this semester and this one about McDonald's and Microsoft may just take the cake. Plus, my sexy 'stache pics are on the front: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=noezoom.

Today is the American Cancer Society's National SmokeOut. The idea is that everyone in the world quits smoking at the same time. Since that will never, ever happen, they say that if you want to participate you can just quit for a day. I've decided to do that. It has nothing to do with the fact that I smoked half a pack last night over multiple glasses of wine and this morning I am completely hungover. No, it has to do with my love for my body and the environment.

While I was at www.cancer.org I was looking around at some of their anti-smoking campaigns and how they have evolved over the years. This one was my favorite. Look, people, the lamer you make your anti-smoking campaigns, the cooler and more counter-culture smoking becomes. Why do you think Phillip Morris is so willing to waste tons of money on trying to keep children from smoking? Because a 1980's inspired duck who says that 'tobacco is whacko' encourages kids to smoke. If you want to get people to quit, the solution is simple ... pass more legislation! Duh. Don't even get me started on the degradation of capitalism that is forcing businesses to ban smoking in public places. We'll discuss that in a different blog. Moral of the story is DON'T SMOKE (on November 18th, 2004).

Speaking of November 18th, not sure how many of you are remembering, but it was exactly 5 years ago today that the Aggie Bonfire collapsed. I was a freshman in college and had been worked into a frenzy over the anticipation of Bonfire since before I'd ever set foot on campus. We'd spent the night playing 3-Man in my room so everyone was too drunk and asleep at 3am when the crew chiefs came through the dorm pounding on doors to get people to help them pick up fallen logs off of the bodies of those trapped underneath. The next morning we were a little bewildered as we turned on the channel that had a 24 hour image of Bonfire and saw it on the ground. Then when I went out to the Polo Fields and realized that every white sheet draped over the logs was to hide a dead body, the enormity of what happened hit me. It still gets to me today ... It's getting to me right now as I type this.

We felt so helpless sitting there staring at the cranes. People walked around handing out drinks, sandwiches, sweatshirts, and anything else anyone needed since some people had stayed out there for days at a time. We tried to go give blood but every blood bank had lines wrapped around the block of people willing to wait. I think we set the Brazos Valley on blood for the next decade. It certainly took some air out of the game. Bonfire represented our burning desire to beat the hell out of t.u. but that didn't seem so important. We weren't even sure if we were supposed to enjoy the game.

That night instead of a yell practice we had a candle light vigil. When it was time to go into the stadium everyone took their candles with them, so instead of the image of lighters being held up that we were accustomed to, this is what we saw. I can't say it was a fun time to be an Aggie, but I'm glad I was a part of it so I could understand. That was the turning point for on-campus culture, and I was lucky to have experienced the way it used to be before all of that went away. Those of you in classes higher than 2003 just can't imagine what it was like.

That game was the greatest game that has ever been played. Everyone in the crowd, Aggies and longhorns, was so emotionally invested. We got the much needed win, needed emotionally, by the 12th Man completely disorienting their freshman quarterback. We all felt like we'd helped. But the best part was halftime. Normally we all sit down when the opposing band plays (the only time through the game that we sit). But at this game, the Texas band came out onto the field, played Amazing Grace, lowered their school's flags and raise an A&M flag. I never thought I would see the day when 80,000 Aggies would stand and whoop while the t.u. band played. It was an awesome moment, many tears were shed, and I am so grateful I got to be a part of it.

I don't really talk about Bonfire very much, because it still upsets me. But I thought it would be okay to share some memories on the anniversary of the fall. If you want, you can post a comment with some of your memories. It's important to remember.

I have about a thousand things I want to talk about, we'll see how many of them stick in my memory by the time I really get into blogging mode. First off, I spent the weekend chillin in the OC ... the OKC, that is. I actually had a good time. On Saturday and Sunday, my impregnito sister and I painted her nursery. Pink on the walls, green on the ceiling. It was so, so cute. Now I'm rarin' to paint my apartment. Who wants to help? Prior to this, on Friday night, we went bowling.

I was bowling in Oklahoma on a Friday night.

It ended up being really fun though. My sister's husband made the comment, "There's no way I'm going to lose to my pregnant wife and a gay guy." So I annihilated him. He didn't know that I spent the better part of high school bowling obsessively, and then transferred that hobby to college with Kevin. By the end of the night, he had admitted defeat and encouraged me to join a gay bowling league, because I would be "the man" there. I'm not sure what the difference is between a gay bowling league and a bowling league. I guess we would use pink balls?

Speaking of Kevin, he's not going to be able to join me in College Station this weekend. What a fucking bummer. I was so stoked. I mean, I still am because I get to see Burns take longer than 65 seconds to chug a pitcher of beer and get shitcanned with the whole crew, but still... everyone knew I was just going to see Kevin. I'm actually going to drive down on Saturday morning, and give Allison a ride back.

Speaking of Allison, we are planning a Thanksgiving to end all Thanksgivings. The date we decided on is December 11th. The location: Allison's house in College Station. I am planning a detailed blog about it, but had too much to say to devote this entry to that. Look for details in the future, but for g*d's sake clear your fucking calendars. This is going to the put the last one to shame!

And finally, my new hobby is listening to NPR (National Public Radio). I feel like I'm already smarter for doing this. Many thanks to my brother who originally suggested it to me when I told him how annoyed I was with radio DJs and commercials. Today they were talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger possibly running for president. Of course, he's not a natural born citizen, so the constitution would have to be amended. We all know Bush has no problem amending it. They made a good argument that someone who has been in the country for 20+ years, obtained citizenship, understands the political system, and has obtained public office should be allowed to run for president. And Arnold was talking about how everything is more global these days so it makes sense. And I agree. Hell, at least he speaks two languages ... Bush doesn't even speak one.

Even though Arnie is a Republickin, he is not conservative on issues that educated people aren't conservative on -- stem cell research, gay marriage, abortion, to name a few. Conservative X-tian Republickins would fuckin hate him. But maybe there's enough political momentum behind the Republickins to get him in the White House. To me, this would present a win/win situation in 4 years. Either someone that agrees with me on issues I find important would be elected, or the Democratic party would win, and maybe even put Hillary in the White House, which would rawk. People who argue against this amendment say that the Constitution shouldn't be viewed as a totally maleable document, and certainly should never be amended with a certain individual in mind. One guy said go ahead and make the amendment but say that it doesn't take effect for 20 years. He makes a good point. Just thought I'd give my readers something to discuss at their next cocktail party.

Items of interest, just to recap: OKC was fun, I kick ass at bowling, I need help painting my apartment, College Station this Saturday, Thanksgiving December 11, listen to NPR and tell me what you think about the President-inator (lame). Peace out, sluts!

Holy crap. I had no idea this was going to take so long to prepare. I sure do hope you all find this as humorous as I did when I was making it. The beard is gone. It was a fun little experiment, but one that I don't expect to repeat any time soon. Of course, when you shave a beard off, you can't just shave it. You've gotta style it. Pictured below is a beautiful array of facial hair stylings. Go ahead, rate them on a scale of 1 to Pure Sex.

I got my hair cut tonight by my friend Chad. It is a lot shorter than it is in all of these pics. I would take a picture of it, but after sizing and photoshopping all of these silly pictures I just wasn't in the mood. Besides, that's more incentive for you all to come see me in person anyway. I also owe you some pictures of the apartment, but you might have to wait until I paint before I'm comfortable letting you all see where the magic happens.

This weekend is Halloween, and I'm not dressing up. I just don't have a costume. I might find something last minute. One of the best things you can do for a Halloween costume is take any ordinary noun and add the word 'slutty' in front of it. For instance, you can be a slutty fireman, a slutty cat, or be like Allison and go as a slutty Jolly Green Giant. Ho, ho, ho. Who would have thought we could use that tag line two years in a row? But if you want to know the truth, I'm just planning on going downtown, doing a little people watching and a whole lot of drinking. I was out last night when I got a late night call from my mother. Concerned that she would call me late at night, I snuck outside to a quiet nook to answer. No worries. She was just calling to let me know that my dad bought a banjo! What the fuck?! My parents must really be missing me.

And finally, because I know you all want it bad ... sexy 'stache pics! Woohoo! (My brother is probably the only one that can possibly confirm this, but don't you think I look like Uncle Al?)

Holy fuck am I ever hungover. Last night was so awesome. So I video taped this wedding, right. My former daycare boss, Mary Ann, had asked me if I would. Her nephew Randy was getting married and they didn't want to spend the money on a real videographer, so they got the next best thing -- me! It actually ended up being really fun. I know both of Mary Ann's daughters pretty well so I kind of hung around them. But I was surprised how many people I knew, seeing as how it wasn't my family or anything. But Randy was marrying Heather, who is Dawn's sister and Dawn used to teach at the daycare.

There were three kids there that went to the daycare I worked at. I used to teach them swimming lessons, show them how to color outside the lines and play John Denver songs for them on the guitar. I hadn't seen any of them since they were 5 years old and they're all 10 or 11 now kickin ass in the 5th grade. Although in reality, only the brother of the groom, Chance, is even remotely cool. It took him a while to remember who I was, but he figured it out. He was dreadfully bored at the reception since he had decided not to drink so I was trying to help him out with things to do. First, I made him drink 10 glasses of water as fast as he could and build a pyramid with the empty glasses. Once he had accomplished that, I told him to get the disposable camera off of every table and waste the remaining pictures on people he didn't know. And finally, when I had to leave, I put him in charge of the video camera. Gosh, Mr. David is the coolest.

I ended up leaving the reception and meeting PlanoJay, the bartender, at BJ's Brewhouse. Had a red beer. Yum. Went across the street to meet up with his co-worker, Chad. Yum. I ordered like 3 pitchers on my tab, but I never paid. Go figure. Keith met me out there and I drunkenly introduced him to some hoes I'd been entertaining for a while. The drive home was interesting. It was literally two blocks, so no harm was done, but had it been any farther, it could have been trouble. The really interesting part was when I got back to my apartment, the streets were all but blocked with fire trucks. Hmmm. So I maneuvered around them and parked in the garage across the street from my building. Now, bear with me because this memory is hazy, but walking into my building I remember walking through smoke. And combined with the multiple fire engines this would have alarmed some people, but not me. I blissfully waited for the elevator amongst the clouds of smoke, went upstairs and went to sleep. I really hope the building didn't burn down, but I'm still alive so things are boding well.

I woke up this morning to find my away message saying, "This night was awesome... g'night" which are my sentiments exactly. Well, wait, I wrote them, so yeah. Today I'm going to Kaylyn's baptism. Pray for me that I don't look completely hungover. Peace!

Do you ever just have too much to say? So much so that you don't feel like writing it down. That's what happened to me this past weekend. I decided to just sit on my stories for a while, so details that once seemed monumental are now rather trivial. It will make my blog shorter, and the stories more compact.

First things first. My brothers Stephen and Michael, from Houston and Sacramento, respectively, both visited. Their wives came as well. Stephen brought Kaylyn around so Michael could meet her, to avoid having to introduce himself to her on her 13th birthday. I just loved this picture. I assure you, she was well nutured and attended to all weekend, but this picture is so something my fam would do. 'Ahh, just prop her up, she'll be alright.' It was cute though. It was really good to see everyone that came to dinner on Friday night. I supplied the dessert -- peach cobbler from Marshall's BBQ. Oh man, is it ever good. I made everyone try it, even if they didn't want to. I also passed around my shock lighter. That was some good entertainment there. By the end of the night, we had 11 people around the table holding hands, while Stephen and I grabbed the lighter simultaneously. Everyone around the circle felt the shock. It was hilarious.

That night I went out to the bars, but wasn't really having much fun. Ryan S■■■ and I decided to just go back to his place and go to sleep. When we got there, however, I coerced him into having one drink before bed. Which turned into two ... then three ... then we lost count. Much squeezy vodka was ingested despite Ryan's attempt to fall asleep. We watched Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, our favorite movie. Since the last time I saw it, I learned all the state capitals. So when they're at the reunion and Toby Dumbfuck asks them to name all the capitals and the Frinkazoid starts off with 'Albuquerque' I KNEW that was NOT the capital of New Mexico, because everyone knows that's Santa Fe. So we called everyone we knew to tell them that and even convinced Jason and Levi to come have a drink with us. We were beyond wasted, but obviously so much fun.

Saturday night I went out with Lil Jarrod. We had a blast. He is one of my new favs ... too funny. It was so damn crowded because this weekend was Pride. You could barely move and getting a drink was an impossibility. Ryan S■■■ got fed up with the crowds and left unannounced, so our plan to stay at his place overnight was soon liquidated. Bob and his brother and friends were in the bars too. Too good to see him! We had fun all night long and then set about trying to decide where to go. Even though I had like three Long Islands and about six beers, I was feeling adventurous so we turned toward Plano. But I can't go home because my parents set a big wake-up-the-neighborhood alarm when they go to bed. So we eventually ended up in Lewisville at Lil Jarrod's apartment. I slept on his couch and hope I didn't scare his sister in the morning. I don't think I did though because she was quite lovely and it was nice to meet her.

From there we went back downtown to the Pride Parade. I'm sorry, but I love Pride. I don't care how many people are too cool for school. It is my favorite holy day, second only to Thanksgiving. I fought for beads as best I could, and even caught some, a feat not to be overlooked. I got some sun -- so hot, saw tons of people I knew, hung out with Lil Jarrod and Marc, got to go to Hamburger Mary's for the first time and meet some new people. All in all it was a wonderful day. I was sunburned and exhausted when I got home, and since then I have been in the most inane training class at work. It is downright painful. But, persevere I will.

This weekend I am going to College Station with Ryan H■■■■. We are going to watch some ring dunkings. I'm not positive who it was but I wanna say Daniel. So I won't have my car but I will have my phone so call me and meet up with. Alright, sluts, I'm out of here. I gotta go work out because I'm morbidly obese. Peace!

Just a quick blog to inform you all of a couple goings-on in my life. I had to say goodbye to our dear friend, RyanC, on Sunday night. In general, I try to avoid posting anybody's full name without expressed written consent, but RyanC, otherwise known by his mother as Ryan Cloutier said that he wanted to be able to google himself. Since I am on the forefront of google technology (which Christine can vouch for), this will surely do the trick. Sidenote: My Google This! prank has TOTALLY worked. Somebody came to my site and searched for "Michael Phelps speedo." HA! Sucker! Anyway, Ryan Cloutier has moved back to Portland, Oregon (the capital of Oregon is Salem, btw). He's going to be a famous movie star and have his own page on IMDB.com ... kinda like Scott Mechlowicz. Scotty's new movie, Mean Creek, is coming out sometime soon, everybody be sure to see it. Anyway, I really didn't get a chance to hang out with Ryan Cloutier but a couple of times, but he was hella fun to go to New Amsterdam CoffeeHaus with and I will forever be in his debt for introducing me to Moudite.

In other news, I got to play with my niece today. She is such a crab apple. Never stops crying. So right before dinner tonight she went into a spell. My mom held her until she fell asleep while we all ate, so when we were done, I seized my opporitunity to hold her so my mom could grub. My niece was born on July 17th, for those of you just joining us. She slept in my arms for about 20 minutes, but I think she had grown accustomed to my mom's boob for a pillow and my collar bone just wasn't a suitable replacement so she eventually woke up. She started crying, but I bounced her around a little bit and she calmed down. She loves looking out the window so I sat in a rocking chair facing the windows in our family room and sat her up on my lap and hummed to her while she stared out the window. I was quite pleased with my performance, since so very little seems to calm her down for an extended period of time. It was really fun getting to see her. Makes me want a baby of my own, though rest assured, I am decidedly not willing to make one.

I just thought I'd throw a couple stories out there. I have too many backlogged, and I don't want them to go to waste. So I blogged before it turned midnight so I can blog again tomorrow. I've only blogged twice on the same day once in my illustrious career ... can anybody name that day? First person to answer correctly wins a free ticket to sit next to me and see Mitch Hedberg and Stephen Lynch at the Paramount in Austin on October 2nd. No joke. Catch you fuckers at a bad time?

... Also, name the movie that last line came from. Then you win. No joke.

The party on Friday night was a rousing success. We estimated around 150 guests all told, which exceeded even my optimistic predictions. There were a few bumps in the planning process, but nothing that couldn't be overcome. I left work early (duh) and headed over to Ryan S■■■'s apartment. We decided to go to one of those always christmas stores to buy lights to string around the roof of Ryan's building since there is like no light up there. We made it to the store and bought 4 strands of light, though in retrospect we probably could have used even more. Oh well, we can always get more before the next party. Brandon was on his way to Dallas with his parents for a wedding and I was supposed to go to Northpark Mall to pick him up since he was going to be dropped off there. But as soon as we got back into my car, I turned the key and heard nothing. No click, no groan, no squeak ... nothing. My car was dead.

Being the easily exciteable person I am (yeah, right) we called AAA and ordered a tow truck and then called Sean W■■■■ to come pick us up. Thank you, Sean! We also made arrangements for Brandon's parents to just drop him off in the parking lot we were stranded in. After a quick jaunt to the corner convenient store for Powerade and cigarettes we sat and waited. Brandon's parents came. His dad, being a super nice guy, popped the trunk and diagnosed the problem as a dead battery. His mom, being a horrendous bitch, called me stupid. They thankfully left and we waited for Sean and the tow truck. Sean arrived and took Ryan home. Brandon and I waited for the tow truck. This fat black guy with all gold teeth comes roaring through the parking lot not even slowing down for speed bumps. But he ended up being one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He concurred with the battery diagnosis, towed me to an Auto Zone, went into the store with me while I bought a battery, and then put it in there for me. We were back in business.

Once we got back to Ryan's we lugged the two kegs up four flights of stairs, got those tapped and iced down, strung lights around and sat and waited for the guests. There were only about 8 or so people there around 9:00 when the party was scheduled to begin and I casually remarked to Ryan, "Did we put the cups out yet?" To which he replied, "What cups?" Ahhh! Two kegs and no cups ... that's like having a carton of cigarettes and no lighter. David S■■■■■■ saved the day by stopping and getting cups on his way. Then the party started picking up.

Certainly by midnight things were in full swing. I dedicated myself that night to introducing myself to everyone I could and making sure that everyone I was in a circle with knew each other. There were so many friends there I could hardly mention them all, but Allison did show up with her crew. I was excited to see K■■■. I also got to meet Christine's co-googleworker, Lindsey, who has been a loyal Sidesho-Viewer since she first overheard Christine's laughter. It's always nice to meet a viewer, though sometimes it can be creepy, she was very classy about the whole thing.

The only thing that marred the night whatsoever was one group of guests. They mistook our evite to a swank uptown soiree as an invitation to drink two bottles of vodka, show up to the party trashed beyond good taste, be exceedingly rude to my friends and guests, vomit in Ryan's kitchen sink, disrupt the party in a desperate attempt for attention, unplug our decorative christmas lights, become irrational and violent towards their host, ignore several polite requests to remove themselves, and try to ruin the party for everyone by dialing 911 to report underage drinking. I guess next time we should be more specific about the nature of the party. As this person was pressing "send" on his cell phone to alert the authorities that we were having a good time without him, Ryan did the only logical thing he could. He grabbed his cell phone and threw it from the roof of the building to the streets below. I can't say I condone his actions, but it sure did seem appropriate at the time.

The second keg floated around 1:30am and while I drank a little while longer off of a hidden stash of emergency liquor, the party pretty much dissapated when the beer was gone. I spent the night on the best palette ever made by man on Ryan's floor with Brandon and the next day the three of us cleaned up a pretty good mess. I would say that this party was one of the best I've been to, even though you all know how much I despise tooting my own horn. Really, I wasn't to blame for the success. Ryan set up all the party plans and made sure everything was on schedule. And the rooftop of the Heights was the perfect sized party venue and the weather could not have been more agreeable. Will have to have another rooftop party post haste.

In other news, if any of you are still with me, my brother and sister are in town for Labour Day. Stephen brought the baby with him, but I've barely gotten to see her. They're at his wife's family's house right now. I went to go work out today while the family went to church (sue me) and when I was done I decided to get lunch at the gym. They have a really nice little deli counter there. I stood there trying to decide what I wanted and just as I was about to order this big black guy butts in front of me and yells, "GIMME ONE OF THOSE TURKEY PANINIS I LIKE THOSE TURKEY PANINIS." And I'm about to make some snotty comment about how I was about to order, but he's so big that I decided to let it slide ... lucky for him. Well then some random dude walks in and goes, "Michael, how's the competition on the basketball court today?" and it was then that I realized I had just been cut in front of by Michael Irvin. So now that I know he works out at my gym, if anybody needs crack, I totally have the hookup.

Thanks to all of you who showed up to ULDE, my pity to those who couldn't make it. Until next time, take it easy ... and if it's easy, take it twice. Peace out, sluts.

There is nothing like Neil Diamond to make rush hour traffic an absolute joy. I am in the best mood now. I was jammin out on the way home from work to my new two disc set. I bought it because I was wearing my Neil Diamond concert T this weekend and got many comments on it, which made me start thinking about how I wanted to hear his music. One guy, as we were walking into Jason's apartment complex, accused me of not even knowing who Neil Diamond was, so I launched into a few drunken verses of Forever In Blue Jeans, Kentucky Woman, and Love on the Rocks, to name a few. Sure showed him. HA!

I bought the CD at the Borders in the West Village. Silly me, I never even knew the West Village existed, and Ryan S■■■ lives so close to there, and I used to work like right there. They have some of the best stores I've seen since I left Miami. I wanted to buy a whole bunch of stuff, but decided to save a little bit of money instead of blowing it all on clubbing clothes. I did buy one shirt for 40 bucks, though, because it's totally hot and it was half off. Half off, but I got a whole shirt. It's awesome. I can't wait to sport it this weekend when I'm in College Station, make all you bitches jealous.

Yes, that's right, this is probably your final reminder. I'll be pullin' into CS on Thursday night, depending on what time I can feasibly slip out of work on Thursday. Since I'm skipping Friday, it might not be such a hot idea to leave at noon again like I did last time. I can't wait to see everyone, but there are some things on my agenda. I have to hang out with Christopher before he trucks back off to Yale. I'll be spending as much time with him as I can. I have to go out with AllieD before she trucks off to Austin for the weekend. We have much to discuss ... and by 'discuss' I mean 'drink.' I have a party to go to with Brian and James, Allison's new crew. That's on Saturday night. Anyone and everyone can go with me if you'd like, I put myself down for 20 guests. I also need to see Tommy's new apartment ... now that I know he hasn't been ignoring me for the past few weeks. He hasn't even had internet, so someone else is on all of his accounts. If it's a Sidesho-Viewer, what you're doing isn't very nice and I think you should stop. It made me think Tommy hated me, as preposterous as that sounds.

I went apartment shopping this weekend with Ryan S■■■. I really want to live in Addison Circle, but they were at like a 98% lease rate when I went. That means that there are no good apartments left, and the ones that are left, they have absolutely no incentive to cut me any specials on. I was pretty gung ho about moving out but now my spirit has been crushed. I gave the lady my email address and told her to give me a heads up on any upcoming vacancies. I know I could go live somewhere else, but you know me. Once I decide I want something, I just can't settle for something else. Instant gratification, people, it's what makes the world go 'round. Rest assured, though, loyal viewers, I am fully intending to move out of my parents' house, perhaps in the near future, as my rent budget may swell.

Work goes on. Life goes on. Beers go down. Not much else to say. I love you all, and look forward to seeing everyone in CS this weekend. MWAH!

Last night was delightful. I got to go to Clay's house in this magical neighborhood surrounded by castlegates, drawbridges, magik and mystery. He had read my blog on having too many items in my pockets (07/24/2004: My daily inventory) and brought me a stylish euro man bag from Spain! How cool is that. Thank you, Clay, I copyright my new man bag. He also brought with him a bottle of the forbidden, therefore more desirable, Absinthe. The way we drank it was so cool. First you put some in a glass with ice. Then you take a spoonful of sugar, dip it into the alcohol, and then light the spoon on fire. As the sugar melts you let it drip back down into the glass. When it has sufficiently melted, you stir it all up until it's milky and add water. I really enjoyed my first experience. In a nutshell, it tasted exactly like liquid black licorice. Nothing to write home about ... but certain something to blog about.

Work today was so pointless. I know that my work ethic is a well known and often lamented fact of engineering lore, but I honestly believe I'm a hard worker. When I have something to do and it needs to get done, boy howdy, I'll get it done for you, and quick. I'll even work late or through the night or on the weekends if it needs be. What I don't do is show up early in the morning to the ghetto to sit on my hands for 5 hours pissing and moaning about the way things are run. I didn't do a fucking thing all day. Oh well, I guess things could have been worse. One thing I noticed today is that the number one goal of everyone on a jobsite is to pass the buck. It doesn't matter what hasn't been done or who was supposed to do it, "It ain't my job."

And a lot of times, people will use the phrase, "... and I told [insert name here] this ..." I heard that about 100 times today. Example: "What we were contracted to do ... and I told Andy this ... is not to run wires." As if having previously told some third party who is not present or involved suddenly adds credibility to your statement. I just think its stupid, and I told Trey this, that I had to wake my ass up at 6am every day this week, yeah I'm doin' the controls down in Oak Cliff.

Tomorrow is my father's birthday. I got him the Die Hard trilogy DVDs and a Winnie the Pooh DVD for when Kaylyn visits. They've been collecting Disney movies for years now in the event of a grandchild, but I don't think she's quite ready for an entire plot, and everybody loves Winnie the Pooh. I just wanted to get him something grandpa-ish (assuming he is going by grandpa and hasn't been renamed Paw-Paw or Pee-Pee or Poo-Poo or something). I also decorated his cake tonight after dinner. I watch Martha do it so much that I thought I would be good at it. I spun that cake around as I smoothed out the icing. Then I did a cool pattern with pecans on top and crushed up some pecans and stuck them to the side of the cake. I worked so hard on it and I was so proud of myself. When I stepped back to admire my work, it looked as though it had been done by a retarded third grader. I should just avoid entirely doing anything with my hands. Well...

Tonight should be fun. I'm ready for anything, and I told Ryan this, so we're going to go to a party. Catch you skillets on the flip side.

Today was a productive day. I probably haven't mentioned my co-worker, Trey, in my blog as much as I have in real life. Trey is awesome. He's an old rednek with no formal education who is a jack of all trades. He's helping to train me at work. He talks ... really ... ... ... slow. It's awesome. He also happens to have pi memorized to 1250 digits. Today I made an Excel spreadsheet that would check him 10 digits at a time, and I sat and watched him successfully enter 500 digits in a row before I finally decided that I really wanted to go home. I told him I would memorize it out farther than him ... I'm up to 32 digits now. Don't believe me? 3.14159265358979323846264338327950, bitches. If you would like to race me on memorizing it, download my pi Excel sheet here.

This weekend was too much fun. Friday, I went on my lunch break at work ... and then decided that I really didn't want to go back. So at 1:00, I hit the road for College Station. Technically when my boss said, "Leave whenever you need to," I think he meant anywhere from 4:00 to 4:30. But you just can't say something like that to me and not expect me to take full advantage of it. I got into College Station around 4:00 and went straight to Hobby Lobby to visit Marshall while he worked. After a little bit of that I met up with Allison, her friend Brian (who is fab squared), and JonS■■■ for some evening cocktails. I picked up the tab because I have money and I spend it recklessly.

Halo on a Friday night, man I miss that. They were having some wicked drink specials, so after the nine of us drinking on my tab finished up, the total was only $50. Allison brought her friend Brian from earlier in the evening, and he in turn brought his friend James, who tried to open a tab behind my back, but I got it transfered to me. JonS■■■ came against his wishes because I promised him free drinks. Marshall and I got buck wild. Raul made a grand appearance, and Justin made his presence known. We definitely got our 50 bucks worth, drinking and dancing the night away. But you know me, my faithful Sidesho-Viewers. That's just not reckless enough for me. So I drunkenly vowed that on Saturday night, I would have a $200 bar tab. Everyone thought I was kidding ....

The next night when we went out, Marshall jokingly referred to my 200 dollar proclamation, to which I replied, "Let's do it." More drinking, more fun. Despite our best efforts, the total came to $85. In my defense, James was bartending, and being the good friend he is, he told me that he had "hooked me up BIG TIME." So jebus knows how much we actually managed to spend. It was way too much fun though. After the bar, Dick was having some people over to go swimming at his apartment. Raul and I swung by Marshalls for the half bottle of raspberry vodka I had purchased the day before and managed to drink that while wading in our underwear until 4am. It was crazy, crazy drunken fun. The kind of fun business professional people do not have. I can't wait to do it again soon.

Speaking of segues, I think I will do it again soon. I got a call from Chris, the boy who goes to Yale, for those of you who are bad with names. He was in Plano last night and he got to come by my house and then I gave him the full Plano experience by going to chit chat outside Starbucks with overpriced coffee and chain smoking. He is in CS through August and I will most certainly come back sooner than planned to visit him again before he whisks away back to the east coast. It was really good to get to see him and have a chance to sit down and talk about everything that's gone on in about the last seven months. Another reason I need to get back to CS in the near future is that I really need a haircut. I'm not backing out on my decision to never cut my hair again, but my last hair cut by the fat bitch at Toni & Guy was so bad that it's just not growing out right. So I'm going to get Hannah to fix it for the long haul.

The final piece of news is that I got to swing by Humble on Saturday from about 1:00 to 7:00. I went to see my 2 week old niece, Kaylyn. That was too much fun. She was sooo small and so cute. I got her some socks, a blanket and some shoes. I told you all how much I love shoes on babies, right? G*d, that cracks me up. They are too big for her at the moment, but I can't wait until she grows into them. She was so funny. She doesn't really have control of her arms or legs yet. She kind of flails around without rhyme or reason any time she gets upset. So when she yawns and her pacifier (otherwise known by its brand name, Soothie) falls out of her mouth, it is a challenge to get it back in her mouth before the screaming starts. Every time you get close, she knocks you out of the way. So my brother does this thing where he grabs her tiny hands and kind of holds them to her chest and says, "Let's get organized!" It was way too funny. Visiting Kaylyn will definitely have to be a priority in the months and years to come. I was thinking about going out of town for my 3 day weekend over Labor Day, but Stephen, Rachel and Kaylyn are coming to Dallas to visit, so I'm modoubly staying for that. Plus, I think Ryan S■■■ is having a party, so all you College Station boys should come up for that. Start making plans.

This blog is ridiculously long, but I had a lot to say, so I hope you enjoyed reading it. My call to action is for each of you to post your thoughts and experiences with pi, big bar tabs, and tiny babies. Until then, peace, my friends. And good night.

Damn, it's a nice day outside. 75 degrees and sunny. You couldn't ask for a nicer treat to hang over to on a Saturday. Although instead of enjoying the day, I'm sitting inside cleaning my room and watching Super Troopers. I'm about to go downstairs and heat up my extra taquito from Whataburger this morning. If there's anything better than taquitos, it's taquitos from 11am to 11pm, when regular people can't get one.

If any of you missed it on my away message the other night, [click here] to see a picture of me that I "vectored." Kevin's little sis, Laura, IMed me the other day to show me some pictures she'd done it to and then sent me the tutorial on how to do it. I think it's pretty rad and I am working on something along these lines to be the new SVC layout. We'll see.

Also, [click here] to see the baby announcement my brother made for Kaylyn. It is beyond cute. I can't wait to go down there and see her on Saturday. That's another reminder for all of you College Station peeps. I will be there Friday and Saturday night to party like it's 2003, so be prepared.

Here is a picture of my new niece, Kaylyn, with her daddy, Stephen. My parents went down to see them this weekend and snapped a few pictures. I can't wait to meet her in two weeks. Today, I went to see my friend, Jason, at Baby Gap. He works there and told me about some of the great baby stuff they had for sale. I don't want to ruin the surprise for my brother since he reads this site, but lets just say it's all good shit. I don't really belong in a Baby Gap store with all the moms and little children cause when he showed me the baby section I was like, "Oh fuck yeah, this is all good shit!" and then glanced furtively around to make sure I was out of ear shot.

I didn't do a whole lot today. I was a tad hungover ... not from drinking at JRs last night, which I did very little of with my new friend, Ben, but from when I got home and cleaned out my dad's stash. Did a little late night drunken chatting, y'know, the usual. I did get out to the mall, though, which surprised me. Besides baby gifts, i spent 80 bucks on new product for my hair. New shampoo, conditioner, protein treatment, wax, paste, and laminate. I'm way excited about doing my hair now. Too bad I won't have a worthy occasion until the next weekend rolls around.

Sorry, not a lot to post. There are all new pictures up top ... the first time since Thanksgiving last December. So I put up new images there in lieu of the picture page I'd been promising. Enjoy them, fuckers! I'll catch you on the flip side.

Yay! My brother's wife had her baby today! I'm so excited. I don't know any of the time or weight or anything, but he said that she is just fine. Her name is Kaylyn Mary F■■■■. I might need to double check the spelling on that. My parents just left to go see her, but I didn't really want to go and I've already made my plans to go. So the weekend of July 30th I am going to drive down to College Station after work, party balls, get up and go to Humble, see the baby, drive back to CS, party balls, and then go home. It's the perfect plan.

I suppose I should get the baby a birthday present, but I usually just get my friends a fifth of vodka or a carton of cigarettes ... not sure what the infant equivalent of that is. Maybe I'll get her shoes. Babies with shoes on crack me up.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do last night since my go-to guy, Ryan S■■■, claimed he was going to stay home with mud butt. Then out of nowhere, Dustin and Trey IM me and say they wanna come to Dallas and party with me. So fun! We stayed in this Motel 6 down off Highway 30 and they had like mad security, so we asked about it. The parking attendant was like, "Ohhh yeah, they've had a lot of problems with prostitution around here lately." Haha, so we stayed in a whore house! Rad!

I gave them the grand tour of Dallas, and showed them all the pertinent sights: JR's, Round-Up, The Village, TMC. We had a blast. They drove to Ft. Worth today to help some girl move, not sure what thats all about. And tonight one of my co-s is celebrating his last weekend in Dallas cause he's being transferred to Kansas City. So I'll probably have to go to a straight bar to wish him well. I'm not sure what I am going to do the rest of the day. Maybe I'll swim, maybe I'll rent a movie, maybe I'll be on the computer and suddenly realize that its midnight. I'll be sure to let you know which one I choose. Peace out, have nots.

My boss at work had told me that he might be loaning me out to some construction crews in the near future to help out. We do a lot of schools, so there is always a huge rush to get things done toward the end of the summer. It's not construction in the traditional sense, thats just what we call our guys that do installation and testing of our systems. So yesterday, the ol' boss, Andy, walks into my cube with a hard hat and huge grin on his face and says, "What're you doing tomorrow." And I said, "It looks like maybe you had better tell me."

So this morning I arrived in Lewisville at C■■■■ Elementary school at 7am equipped with jeans, boots, safety glasses and a hard hat. I was introduced to Garry, who was really cool and was in charge of me for the day. We immediately went up to the roof and started working. At first, I thought to myself, "Wow, this is great, out here in the open air, working with my hands. Fuckin' A." That thought started to wane when the temperature hit about 95 and was completely gone into the 100's. All in all fairness, though, when my brother asked me if it was fun or sucky, I had to answer "both."

My job was to open up the control panel on all of these rooftop air conditioning units. Then I would find the unit on a layout of the building, match its physical label, find its position on the LAN, and then set dip switches on the controller to indicate its address. We did some other shit but that was the majority of my day. The coolest part was I got home at 3. Maybe I do belong in construction. Even though everyone else on the site was like REAAAALLLY a construction guy. We're talking handlebar mustaches, pot bellies, and rawhide skin. I got called an albino a few times. Then there were the obligatory Mexicans baking adobe bricks.

The only problem for me was that the roof was not even. There are two portions of it that are a good 6 feet higher than the rest, and about 11 of the rooftop units were on these two portions. And I had to get up to them. I don't exactly have "ups" but Garry suggested that I stand on a piece of adjacent equipment and then kinda jump up there. I am not some fucking gazelle. I am arthritic and unathletic. BUT, I am a problem solver. There was some kind of equipment about 4 feet from the platform that was about 3 feet tall. Any of you could have stairstepped your way up to the tall portion, but I have zero leg muscles. If I had tried to just hop and skip up there I would have eaten it and ended up with a faceful of gravel. So instead I did a wicked 180 in the air and did a sweet butt plant onto the high level. It was so fucking hilarious but no one was around to see me, so I had to sit and laugh by myself. My brother said the story was hard to understand and that I should illustrate it, so I am going to do just that.

I was so excited to get home and blog so I could tell you all that today was the first day of work that I actually enjoyed. I was gonna tell you funny anecdotes about the people I work with and how funny a couple of them are. I was gonna tell you that I caught them all having a conversation when they thought I was out of the room about how hilarious I am and they love the way I tell jokes and stories with a straight face and then slowly smile to indicate that it was supposed to be humorous. I was gonna tell you all about how we went to lunch as a big group today to a pizza place and how I got mocked for eating nothing but dry, green veggies and water. BUT INSTEAD, I have a much, much better story to tell you. Read the next paragraph in your head with the voice of a large, elderly, black woman:

Yeah, I was getting bored in Baltimore so I rented me a car from Enterprise ... Cadillac Snoop DeVille! By the time I got to Addison, I had to stop in to have my car tuned up. Then it was off to Whole Foods where I bought all the supplies for the best family reunion ever. Best thing is ... it was all free! Well, for me at least. HahaHAHAHABELCHHAHAHA!!!!1!!

Yes, my friends, this reenactment of everyone's favorite new credit card commercials is an accurate portrayal of my recent experiences. I decided I was financially stable enough to order myself a new credit card. It has been like 8 months since I last had a piece of plastic with my account number on it or used my credit card number to buy anything IRL or online. The only charges going to my account were my cell phone, webpage, Time Life subscriptions, and website memberships. Then all of a sudden when I go to order a new card, they say I owe more than $800. What?! So I went online to look into it.

Somebody rented a car in Baltimore and managed to make it down to Addison within two days. Not sure what that's about but my brother said that sometimes people will share stolen card numbers with others, so maybe that's what happened. Then they went to a gas station in Addison twice. I was gonna report the exact dollar amounts but it appears they are on the ball and have already deleted my account information. That totalled about $300. They also made two trips to the Whole Foods Market in Plano totaling like $400. All I can say is that I hope this person was either DOWN and OUT and this fixed their car and allowed them to feed their family. Or that it was some punk kid who bought 300 dollars worth of cigarettes and 400 dollars worth of beer and threw a KICKASS party. Regardless, it was free for me too. They were unusually helpful and quick to believe I didn't make the charges, which is cool. They are sending me a new card with a new number and all I have to do is make sure to alert T-Mobile and Earthlink that I have a new account. Sweet!

I'm really excited to have had the opportunity to be a victim of identity theft. Even though I'm baffled as to how they got my number since I cut up the card so long ago and haven't even known the number myself. C'est la vie! The weekend is here! I've never looked forward to a weekend more in my life. I think tonight I'll go to bed and tomorrow sleep in! Then I'll drink a whole bunch. I miss you and love you if you're back in College Station, otherwise I just love you. Laaaaaaaaaaate.

The rest of our time in Miami was much like the first half: fucking incredible. Tuesday night we went to the bar that the clothing store girl suggested. It was like straight up velvet roped Sex and the City style club. The bouncer let us in free, which was cool, but once we got in we were like "oops." Then we had to suffer the indignity of turning around and walking back out. It was pretty obvious we were out of element, so we ran away. Everyone was in suits and it was very upscale. We're used to dead animals hanging on the walls.

So we went to a bar called Score. That was more our speed, for several reasons. I ended up getting shit canned and leaving all kinds of hilarious drunken voicemails on my friends' phones. On Josh's message I said something to the effect of, "OH shit I'm about to run into a phone poll." Good stuff. Wednesday night, we took it pretty easy, just had a nice dinner on Ocean Drive (lobster linguini - YUM) and then some wine with strange Columbian men. Thursday was a long day of traveling back to Dallas.

Friday we drove back to College Station. Traffic was HORRENDOUS. I have never seen it so bad on 45. It took us an hour and a half just to get through Corsicana where it goes down to one lane. So we made an executive decision to take Highway 14 through Mexia to try and avoid the congestion. Allison had to pee and wanted a drink so we took a tour of Mexia looking for the McDonalds or Sonic. I don't know how many of you are addicted to VH1 like I am, but surely a good lot of you have seen the biography of Anna Nichole Smith (aka Vicky Lynn). She grew up in Mexia with the most white trash family I've ever seen and worked at a fried chicken store. Well, as we were driving to Sonic we fucking found the chicken stand. I immediately pulled over, ordered a couple drumsticks and bicuits and Allison took a picture. Now that is the kind of sight seeing that I am interested in ... true American landmarks. We were laughing so hard the entire time.

That pretty much saved our 5 hour trip from Dallas to College Station and gave us something to giggle about the rest of the way. Last night was a glam Halo night with one of my new shirts that I bought. I looked awesome ... as usual. I got shit canned ... as usual. I crashed at Marshall's ... as usual. Good times had by all. I found out that Josh has internet so I'll probably be mooching off of him while I'm around. I will be sure to update you all if anything of interest happens. I will probably be back in Dallas around Tuesday or Wednesday. Or later. Who knows? Later kiddos.

Hey, I just wanted to drop you all a quick line to let you know that I'm alive. I've only recently realized the magnitude of what's left to do before the end of this semester -- in reality, within the next 7 days. I am basically going to be out of commission for the entire time, and then as soon as that's done it'll be time for finals and then graduation.

Let me give you all a piece of etiquette when dealing with a graduating senior. Every last person you talk to and mention graduation asks you, "So WhAt'S tHe PLaN fOr AfTeR yOu GrAdUaTe? GoT a JoB?! DerRrRrRr!" If a graduating senior does not offer up that information to you, then don't try to extract it from them. There's a chance, a good chance, that they don't fucking know what they're going to do. And NO, they don't have a job, so fuck off. This is all just hypothetical, of course.

I have several plans. I could live with my brother temporarily in Houston and hope to find a job there before his daughter is born and I have to be out of the house. I could move back home and leisurely search for a job in Dallas, and if I get one either get my own apt, or I just IMed Ryan S■■■ last night about moving in with him. I could move to OKC with my sister just to kinda get away from it all and see if I can't nab a job around there. I could stay in College Station for the summer looking for work to just party one last time before really applying myself to the search. I might give my other brother who lives in California and works for Intel my resume, and see if that won't work, but that would mean moving to Cali, Colorado or AZ. My only other idea is to cut myself to see how much it bleeds.

Today I am actually going to class. The fuckheads in my class decided on a take-home final while I wasn't around. Take-home finals are so much harder than real ones and are certainly more difficult than oral exams. I have to go get that final. Then I have to go to my last day of yoga ... tear. Then its directly to the greenhouse to meet with my team. I might change my oil first since that's highway driving, and I might stop by Best Buy to see if I can get a new battery since it is REALLY annoying that my laptop shuts off if you even jiggle the power cord. Like I said, so much to do.

Today I woke up kinda early for me and had time to walk over to the pet store and look at their bettas. I found one that I thought would look really cool in my new tank. He serves two purposes though. First, he's my pet. Second, he's my guinea pig. If he dies then I know the tank is inhabitable and I shouldn't let Marshall bring me his fish until I get the water fixed. I would feel so bad if I killed Marshall's fish right off the bat. I still need to go to David27's and get his unused betta food so I can feed the little guy.

At first, the water level was kind of low to allow the water spilling in from the filter to make a water noise and produce lots of bubbles ... something to hear and see. As soon as I put the betta in, the force of the induced current shoved him up against the wall. I had to add more water to reduce the impact it has on his environment, but I think he still doesn't like it. I'm not sure, I don't speak Betta. But, I also know I don't want to clean this tank all the time, so he can just learn to deal with it.

Tonight, my friend Brandon is driving in from Austin to visit. He hasn't been back to College Station in a long, long time, so that is going to be fun. Idk what we're going to do but I'm sure we'll be able to find something. I just found out that I haven't been skipping class this week. My prof has been out and may be out for a while. So yay! No early classes! Excelsior!

Another Spring Break come and gone. My last Spring Break ever, as a matter of fact. How depressing. I had a pretty good time doing nothing even though I should have been doing a helluva lot. I'm worried about this one class because I still haven't finished the project that was due last week. They've extended the deadline another week, but I'm not going to be here for the first part of it. Tomorrow I have to drive home so I can go to my second interview with ■■■■■ on Tuesday morning. I'm not really excited about being interviewed. The whole process is somewhat retarded albeit necessary. I don't really want the job, but I'll take it if they offer. My brother said I could stay with him after graduation for a couple weeks if I wanted and my sister said I could move in indefinitely, so at least I won't be homeless ... and by "homeless" I mean "living at home."

I spent the weekend gettin drunk with the SideshoGang. We drank so much beer last night but we also ate a shitload of food so it was hard to catch a buzz. I think I fell asleep around 5, who knows. Now I'm just hanging over at my apartment with the AC on full blast. I always get so hot when I'm hungover, and my stupid hangover mask doesn't stay cold for very long against my hot forehead. 27 is on his way home finally, so that should keep me entertained until tomorrow. Ugh, I hate road trips. Peace out, sluts.

Once again, I find myself in the unassuming little town of Humble, Texas. As I was saying before, my brother's wife went into preterm labor the other day and is now stuck on bed rest. I really came to help out but as it turns out, I'm not really going to have to do anything. Not that I thought I was going to be burdened anyway. My brother is going to work here in the morning allowing me to sleep in, and then one of his wife's friends is going to come in to hang out with her.

I might set up the hammock in the backyard if the weather is as nice as it was today and read my new book that Raul gave me, Glamarama by Bret Easton Ellis. You'll all recognize that name as the author of Rules of Attraction starring Dawson. I really liked that book, and I've been told I will like this one even more so I'm excited about that. David27 wants to read it too so I thought I could knock it out during the couple days that I'm here.

My brother's computer is really cool. He has cable internet and he can watch TV on his computer! How cool is that? I am sitting here watching MTV in the upper lefthand corner and updating my page at the same time. He said you can record TV too, so if a good video comes on, I'm going to record it. Oh, maybe that hilarious HEB commercial I've only seen once in my life will come on and I can record it for all of you. That's probably not going to happen, though. I just checked to see if he had Kazaa so I could update my songs but he does not. I wanted to get The Maps "Yeah, yeah, yeah." I think that's the correct name. Anyway, I'm just rambling cause I don't have a lot else to do and no one else to talk to. I guess I'll go whore around on melo or something now. I should be on IMs while I'm here so hit me up if I'm active. Laaaaaaaaaaaate.

I'm really only updating to benefit my dear friend, Allison, who is up in Virgina for Spring Break and is feeling out of the loop. Fact of the matter is, there's no loop to be out of. I have not done a damn thing for the past few days but slump over on the couch in a slightly catatonic state staring at home improvement and cooking shows.

I had another amalgamation of two of my favorite things in the world. If you'll recall, the first time this happened was when I found out that John Denver did duets with the Muppets. Then, only recently, Lisa Loeb got her own TV show on the Food Network. And now, Dean Johnson, host of PBS's Hometime, is doing infomercials!!1! I fucking love infomercials. I would rather watch a good infomercial than a 30 minute sit-com any day ... any day. And now one of my heroes is hocking the "Little Giant" fully adjustable ladder. Sure, it's a little more expensive than a discount store ladder, but can you really put a price on your safety?

I think I am going to depart today for Houston. My brother's wife recently had some complications with her pregnancy. She has to be on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy (which is hopefully going to be a full 4 months). Since I'm an old pro at being in bed 24 hours a day, I thought I might be able to help out a little while my brother's at work during the day. Or as his wife put it, "Help feed and water her." I'll probably be there until Friday and then its back to CS and Spring Break is over. It sure has flown by. I might need to take another one before graduation. Speaking of graduation, all of my siblings are going to come. I am really excited now. Alright, you sluts, I will catch you on Friday.

I'm sick as a dog. The idiots at the quack shack said it was some kind of throat infection and gave me the same generic medicine they always do. Oh well, maybe it will help. Might as well take it. I didn't sleep a wink last night. I ended up taking a bath at like 5am cause I was so achy and sweating. Today's not much better. Enough pissing and moaning though. Pity me!

I was laying on the couch before my 12:45 yesterday and I noticed a moth on the wall near me. I thought nothing of it. He's welcome to chill there. But then when I came home after my lab at like 8:00 he was still in the exact same spot. I don't mind moths but I hate lazy moths. So I decided to capture him.

I put a cup on the wall, tapped him into it and then placed a coaster over the opening. Then I had a flash of evil genius. I decided to set up a Bond-esque death trap. I opened the lid just enough to allow a drop of water through it and placed it under the faucet. It was dripping slow enough to allow him time to escape, but he was going to have to time it just right. He waited until the last possible moment, the water was encroaching his wings, and then made a break for it. I attempted to squash him but he got away, so I let him go. Owen, Marshall, and I were enthralled. Okay, I was, but they also watched. Then Marshall took me to the mall and bought me some chinese food and ice cream. Rad!

In other news, my brother found out that his unborn baby is a girl. I tried to help him out and give some good suggestions for names. They were thinking about Kaylynn Elizabeth. I figured since she is going to be my brother's daughter, that she's already gonna be the whitest little girl on the planet. It might be a good idea to spice her up a little with an ethnic moniker. My suggestions were:
1. Reshawnda
2. Wei Le (but we would call her Jenny)
3. Consuala
I like them all but I think Consuala might be my favorite. And as an added bonus, it might help her get scholarships later. You never knows. Tonight Thommi and I are going to see some Russian chick play piano with the Russian symphony orchestra. I'll let you you all know how that goes. Peace.

Well I'm back in College Station for a couple of days taking a sabatical from the holiday cheer of Plano. I was there for 3 days and that was enough for me. The first thing I did was put in my fake lip ring for when I first arrived. My mother went absolutely ballistic over it so I immediately had to reveal the joke whereas I had planned on wearing it all day. That kinda let some of the air out of my balloons, but it was still funny.

The next big fight was when I dared to walk down the stairs with my fauxhawk rawkin. My mother blew another gasket. She sure doesn't know how to pick her battles. Its not like we had company or anything, I was just going to sit around the house. So that was fun. I went upstairs and played guitar until my brother came home and took me with him to B&N. Oh speaking, the big news, I am going to be an uncle. Rachel, Stephen's wife, produced a couple sonogram pictures of the baby in her tummy. Thats exciting for us, even though she won't be able to participate in the booze cruise.

On Christmas we didn't exchange gifts, which, I gotta tell you, was the best Christmas I ever had. No shopping, no worrying, no wrapping, no fighting crowds ... just a family gettin together to play cards and drink liquor. I had my first taste of Courvoisier, and second, third, fourth, and fifth. I'd have to say I was a big fan. We played some Oh, Hell with everybody, ate some desserts with family friends and then went to bed.

The next day I went to see JennyC■■■ and her family. That's always fun. Then I went downtown to hang out with Ryan S■■■. We rode the rails to the Angelika Theater ... a new experience for me, v. classy. Then we ate at the cafe and saw 21 Grams. Worst movie ever ... don't go see it. Even though the movie was awful, I had a wonderful time. The next morning I woke up and drove home. And here I am. I spent last night drinking Coronas and Keystones with Josh 'n Tommy cause there was nothing else to do and nowhere else to go. It was fun.

Just thought I would fill you all in since I've been rather sparse in the updates in comparison to usual. I will be leaving tomorrow for the cruise and you won't hear from me until after the new year, so I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful new year full of drunken spirits and sloven kisses. Cheers!

Thanks for all the wonderful comments on the scorpion. I told my yoga teacher about it and she said I should join the Yoga Center of College Station, and I think I'm going to. They do more advanced stuff ... because I'm good at something besides drinking now. Speaking of, I managed to get shit faced in the span of like 40 minutes last night. I rule. Marshall probably thinks I'm psychotic. Oh well, he'd be mostly right.

I don't know what made me think of this, but I thought I would share with you all the story of the first time I got on the internet. Well, actually its the second. The first time I got on the internet me and my brother Stephen went to go see if there was a sex.com. Sure as hell enough, there was. Good thing somebody thought of it. But the story...

The first time I ever sat down at a computer and got on AOL, back when I was known as Vidster007, I went into a random chat room. And I had no idea what any acronyms were or anything. I probably only typed like 30 wpm. And someone said, "hey anyone in pa?" And I had no idea what that meant, so I said, "i'm in pa." And an instant message popped up and they said, "where in pa," which I then figured out meant Pennsylvania. So I responded, "Nunya." And they said, "where is that?" And I said, "Nunya bidness." And they said, "well fuck you." And I laughed, and immediately knew that I liked this internet thing.

Is it just me or does everyone I know now have a prescription to something? Allison has her injured back that awarded her muscle relaxers and hydrocodone. Sean just tore something in his knee and was awarded some hydrocodone. Owen has his speed 'prescription' and he stayed home sick from school today so he'll probably win some more pills for that. He's gonna try to claim that I got him sick, when in reality, its some Austinian disease he brought back from his Halloween adventures.

I got strep and was awarded Penicillin. Which I didn't think was very cool until my brother just informed me I could tell people I was "chillin' like a villain on penicillin" and not be lying. Rawk! The only thing that isn't cool about my booty is that it doesn't really make a very good bargaining chip. On the black market of pill pushers and poppers, there's no way anyone is going to vie for an antibiotic. They have no side effects and are so easy to come by. Looks like I'm going to have to sweeten the deal if I'm going to get my paws on any of those hydrocodone circulating around. And to top it all off, I didn't even get molested by the doctor this time. What a rip off!

Tonight we have to go to Navasota to ■■■■■■ ■■■■■■ to pitch our project proposal to the owner out there hoping that he'll fund our little operation next semester. That means I have to dress up and act polite, my two favorite things to do. But if all goes well, we could be sittin pretty next semester, and that ... is a good thing. Peace out, skillets.

Holy shit, where do I begin? I guess we should start with the costumes. I forgot to charge my camera so I wasn't able to get pictures, but Allison took a couple. Only they were with a real film camera, so its going to take time to develop them and scan them etcetera. Anyway, to dispell the anticipation, I was Santa Pimp and Allison was Slutty Mrs. Claus. They were good costumes, too. Owen went with us to the party. He was dressed as the Incredible Hulk, e.g. painted green and wearing a ripped up T-shirt. Classic.

It was a killer party, too. Everyone was pretty into our costumes. And the fact that Santa showed up with a gift sack full of condoms didn't hurt either. I hope everyone who got to reach into Santa's sack had fun playing with their new toys. So the drinking ensued, and I got more and more obnoxious with the fact that I was Santa as the night went on. Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it like a Polaroid picture.

Also at this party was none other than Spongebob Squarepants. This was a pretty big dude wearing a foam shirt with corners on it shaped like Spongebob. And he was pretty drunk. We talked to him for a little bit and he asked me what year I was about 5 times, and I think he asked Allison about 12 times. He was class of '05. He told us so many times that I still remember today. Weeeellllll, as things would have it, I pissed him off. I don't remember what I said, or when I said it, or if I really actually even said anything. But the next thing I knew I overheard, "Santa better watch his fuckin ass before I kill him." I'm not a hater, so I went to diffuse the situation. I was like, "Hey Spongebob, everything's cool man. If I said something I'm sorry, I'm not talkin shit, I'm not saying anything." And he was assuaged momentarily, until I start hearing, "Santa better get inside and get away from me."

Time out. Just for a second. I want to make sure nobody is missing out on this point. He was dressed up as Spongebob Squarepants. Mmmkay, looked like an idiot. And he is threatening to kick Santa's ass. My life rules. So all these people on the porch attempted to mediate one more time, I told Spongebob that I was sorry, they all told him that Santa was cool and wasn't talking shit, but in the end they decided that maybe Santa should go inside. Next thing I know, Kevin, the guy whose party it was, is asking me to please hide in the kitchen while they escort Spongebob out of the party. BAM! Somebody is pounding on the outside of the house. You guessed it. Spongebob was out of control.

We had been talking to these two twins for a while in the party, and they joined me in the kitchen as I hid like a little bitch. So I did what anyone with a brain would do. If this guy was going to kill Santa, then I'll stop being Santa. So I took one of the twins and innocently said, "Hey dude, put this on." On went the beard, the wig, the hat, and even the shirt. I don't think he was really cognizant of the severity of the situation because as a group of people were ushering a belligerant Spongebob out the front door, here comes the psuedo-Santa around the corner screaming epithets. And Spongebob fucking lunges at him. And he was just egging him on like, "I'm not scared of you bitch." Classic. This girl yelled at him to "shut the fuck up" so he cooled it. Once Sponge was gone, we all had a good laugh about the entire thing.

I'm not sure what time we went to bed, but I know that we woke up at 1pm. Or should I say noon. Rawk! I should probably go to work today, but more immediate concerns involve Excederin, tacos and a nap. Peace out sluts. Merry Christmas, and remember to wrap your meat. Santa hates VDs. Ho ho ho.

The other day on campus I saw a guy with a Jedi padawan hair cut. As embarassing as it is that I knew it was a padawan (hopefully, I'm misspelling it), he should be 10 times as embarassed to have the haircut. I would waste my time going to find a picture of it for you all, but meh. Its like a normal haircut but it has a tiny little pony tail in the back. The point of my story is that it was ridiculous looking and despite the fact that I've never been a physical bully, I was compelled to push his books out of his hands.

In other news, I hadn't talked to Brandon in over a month, and decided I would give him a call the other day. Turns out his phone had been disconnected, and I didn't have his new number. No biggie. I sit on the issue for a couple of days. Then I was talking to Dave and he mentioned that Brandon had gotten a new phone and shared that number with me. I wasn't particularly busy so I phoned him up to see how he's doing. The conversation went something like this:
ViD: "Hey, how are you."
Brandon: "I'm good, how are you?"
ViD: "Good, good, keepin busy with school, you?"
Brandon: "Oh I've just been working a lot"
ViD: "cool ..."
Brandon: "Did you call me today because its my birthday?"

Haha, whoops. Of course I forgot when his birthday was, I have a hard time remembering my own birthday, but I just thought that it was funny amongst the birthday calls to get a ring from me and me have no idea. I tried for about 30 seconds to play it off like I'd totally known, obviously, why else would I call. But he didn't fall for it. So I had to fess up. Oh well.

My hand is healing nicely, the red spot is getting smaller. It still hurts like a bitch. And in response to several recent inquiries, yes, I REALLY did stick a 9V battery to my braces and I REALLY did flash a flash bulb in my eye. So sue me.

And of course bundt cake is spelled b-u-n-d-t but it wouldn't have made sense in the context to spell it that way, smarty pants.

Exit Weekend. Time to put the ol' nose to the grindstone once again tomorrow ... y'know for 50 minutes since thats all the school that I have on Monday. Man, school sucks. The only class I like is Yoga, and I really, really like it. If you have the opportunity to take it as a kineseology, I would highly suggest it. I will report more on that after I go to it a few more times, but its only once a week so that might take a while.

So I went to Humble, TX this weekend for my brother's housewarming party. Owen went with me, as did the famed fog machine. It was quite a hit once people got used to the haze. Deauxcheck was there, but Boozer and Tim, two of my brothers friends who probably read my website religiously totally bailed. It was a pretty good party considering how many people showed up and stayed late. I took on the single handed responsibility of floating an entire keg. And while I wasn't technically successful, I did end up hurling in the backyard with only a vague sense of what was going on around me. That was pretty cool. And I woke up with very little hangover. Always a bonus. Anyway, my bro's been living in this house for a longass time so I don't know why this was a housewarming party, but whatever. I know he put the pictures up on imagestation but I can't seem to find his albums, so I'll update that later. Enjoy your week, you havenots. Laaaaaaate.

So I'm lounging around my house feeling delightfully hungover (I say delightfully because its such a nice damn day outside and that always feels good) trying to think of something to blog about. Nothing of note has really happened to me lately, so I'd almost abandoned the notion until I decided to check my logs again. Once again, dear viewers, the numbers were staggering. Last week I averaged around 50 visitors a day, and then on Monday I shot up to 2,500. Fearing a resurgence of the shaven Jeffcoats picture, I checked the referrals for where all of these hits were coming from. And here they are:

texags.com -- 1,562
tiderinsider.com -- 725
tidefans.com -- 120
gatorcountry.com -- 94
elite-sports.com/soonerfans -- 89
big12warzone.com -- 50
drunkenbuffoonery.com -- 28
gatorinsider.com -- 23

And there were several other sports related forums linking to my site but they only generated one or two hits. I think drunkenbuffoonery.com is my favorite. I haven't investigated all of these sites, but I'm assuming its the picture of Jeffcoats thats doing it since nothing on this site is in the least bit sports related. And what opinions I have about Aggie football are severely uneducated. Speaking of, my prediction for the game today against Utah is Aggies - 87, Utah - 3. Mormons can't play football. Mormons can't do anything but pilot space ships to heaven.

So there you have it. I won't be at the game to cheer them on, because I am traveling to Humble, Texas soon to attend my brother's house warming party. So long, you have nots, see you next week.

Well now that the 3,000+ hits days are starting to waver (although I'm still around 10X the number of hits I'm used to ... over 8,000 this week!) I am fast trying to think of some schtick to keep people interested in my site. I've tried many things in the past: a 24 hour webcam, rampant egocentricism, guest bloggers, The Conduit E-Zine. Yet, for some reason, this blog keeps taking on a purely narrative approach. I talk about being late to work, and drinking beer on weekends. Thats Boring with a capital B.

So, I've been searching for inspiration as of late and I think a combination of sources have come together to form a great idea. First, the last time I was home, I was reading some Reader's Digest and came across an article about eating disorders, and how young girls find support groups online that help them maintain their anorexia or bulemia. I looked one up and it was sick. It had such advice as, "Any time you feel like eating, go for a run." Wow. Also, the guy who did the journalistic approach towards Stinky Feet and Date My Sister (thespark.com) inspired me to take notes on something people can engage in, not just my boring life. Finally, the Conduit article I titled but never wrote will now be put into practice. I would like to welcome you all to Day 1 of the Anorexercise Experiment.

My coworker, Karen, and I have decided on 4 factors to track my progress on the diet plan that promises to help you shed pounds faster than your "doctor" recommends. These are Last Meal, Anorexercise, Feeling, and Waist Size. Without further ado, here are the stats for Day 1 of the Anorexercise Experiment:

Last Meal: Dinner yesterday at On the Border. I had two soft chicken tacos.
Anorexercise: Moderate yoga and a brisk morning walk.
Feeling: Light headed and hungry.
Waist Size: 32"

If you looked at yourself in the mirror today and didn't like what you saw, think about the weight loss benefits of anorexia, and the overall benefits of exercise, and try to imagine what anorexercise can do for you! Weight loss squared!

Well first, I'd like to welcome every last fuck who ever went to Texas A&M or t.u. to my personal website. Much like the 3,000 of you who have visited my site in the past two days (about 30 times the number of hits I'm used to) I'm assuming you've found my site by following the url on the picture of the overzealous Aggie shaving the school eblem into his chest. If you're not familiar with it, you can see it below for the time being.

Its incredible to me that 3,000 people were so enthralled with a picture of a man shaving himself that you felt obliged to look up the url and follow it to my site in hopes that you might find more pictures. In fact, I've gotten so many hits from the Austin area that we're planning an entire calendar that will be available for sale later this year called "Aggie Bears Bare It All." If you want an advanced copy, send me $20, idiot.

In short, if somebody wants to shave their damn chest, then thats his prerogative. I thought it was pretty hilarious, as would you if you didn't spend your days on internet forums discussing body types of people you've never met before. Mother fuckers.

So I guess all I have to do if I want a lot of comments to be posted by anonymous well wishers, all I have to do is post controversial depictions of history. I didn't mean to slight Scott's beer chugging abilities in the least, I was merely unaware that he had finished first. So congratufuckinglations to him. Indeed, a job well done. Everyone else, as always, can gig this. It is, however, flattering to know so many people frequent my website.

How fun was that power outtage, eh? I was sittin in Thompson working on my calculator user manual when everything went down. We decided to call it a lunch break, but it turned out that nowhere could serve food. Talk about sucking. There was absolutely nothing to do. So many times that day I was like "Oh I'll go do ... no, can't ... but I could ... no wait ... I'll just go home and ... no, no I won't." Man, I love electricity and miss it when its gone. I ended up making the best of the bad situation though. Despite the fact that I had a shitload of studying on the internet to do, as well as finishing up some programs and writing some papers, I managed to relax based on the fact that I could not possibly do any of them. So I rode the bus over to Brandon's apartment and we sat out on his patio and chilled in the nice weather just waiting it out. That was really fun until the bubbles came on in the hot tub, and we realized the power was back. I had to go back to school and he got called back into work, so we walked over to my house and I gave him a ride to work.

In other news, today I took a chemistry test that was pretty hard. I think I did alright on it though. All I need is a C so I can pass this stupid class and be done with it, and I'm pretty sure that I got it. I don't want to be presumptious though. Anywho, I gotta run, my little break is over.

Travel plans: I'm heading to Austin tomorrow to present some projects to the good folks at National Instruments. And then Saturday I'm going to Houston to have easter with my brother. But I will definitely see you all on the flip siiiide.

This message is for the Committee to Remove Joseph from SideshoViD.com, which I still think is fucking hilarious. Poor Joseph. Its never fun to have an organization formed for the specific purpose of being against you. Trust me, dude, I know from experience if you know what I'm saying.

As far as actually removing Joseph, I say we give him another chance. More than likely he'll be around at least until the end of summer. If he continues to not meet your standards, continue posting comments against him. We here at SideshoViD.com love our loyal viewers.

But then again, I love myself even more and I want to make me happy. And Joseph amuses me. So as long as he continues to do so he'll probably be around.

scrofulous (SKROF-yuh-luhs) adjective
1. Of or pertaining to or affected with scrofula.
2. Morally corrupt.

Ahhh, the joys of a dual blog. I can always rely on ol' Joseph to fill in the parts of my stories that I conveniently forget to include. No harm done though, I doubt anyone was met with any amount of resounding shock at the implications of Joseph's last blog concerning me.

This weekend I am going to be going to San Antonio to visit Kevin. I haven't seen him since our birthday (which is July 6th, write it down). The catalyst to this decision is this gift certificate thats been burning a hole in my pocket. My parents got me a gift certificate to Steve Madden shoes for Christmas, but in the post-Christmas shopping madness, their entire stock was wiped out. So rather than settle for something I didn't want, I decided to hang onto the gift certificate to order online at a later date. Well it turns out that you can only redeem this gift IN the store. Also, it turns out there are only 3 Madden outlets in the state of Texas. Two are in Plano and one is in San Antonio about 15 minutes from Kevin's house. So wahlah, there was my decision. Earlier today I told my buddies in lab that I was gonna go to San Antonio and when queried as to the reason, I prompted them to guess. Eerily, Owen's first guess was to buy shoes. He swears he didn't over hear me saying it earlier, which just means that I have GOT to get out of the lab and stop spending so much time with him.

My brother informed me that he's going to be in College Station on Saturday which kinda sucks that I'll be out of town, but the wheels of destiny have already been set in motion and I fear the inertia is too great to reverse. So I won't get to hang out with him.

Joseph's been sending me some emails and IMs about some pretty exciting things that he would like to go on at SideshoViD.com. I don't want to reveal anything at this point, but lets just say that SideshoViD.com might be coming to a theater near you ... Okay thats a complete lie. But do look forward to some new innovations. Czech you skillets on the flip side. Laaaaaaate.

sobriquet (SOO-bri-kay) noun, also soubriquet
- A fancy nickname or a humorous name.

Well I was just so kindly informed by our dear friend, Laura, that I put the wrong band name for the song of the day.

rowdy224 2: motion city not motor city durrrrrrrrrr

It is indeed Motion City Soundtrack. My apologies to Laura and anyone affiliated with the band. I always appreciate a good 'durrrrrrrrrr.'

In other news, I start work tomorrow. Haha. I know, right, I have a job. How fun is that. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I think its going to be a great opportunity for me to teach, learn and interact with lots of people. I'm not even sure how long he's expecting me to work tomorrow, but I guess I'll just be there until he tells me to leave. Whatev, I don't have shit to do. Speaking of ... I'm gonna go play some Grand Theft Auto. Peace.

Howdy all, how does the day find you. Not a lot has been happening to me. I was really concerned that I was going to be completely bored the whole time that I was in College Station before school started because I have literally nothing to do. Sometimes it seems like the only things I do are eat, sleep, and poop. On the contrary though, I have been having a blast. I wake up when I want. I eat when I want. I poop when I want, and it doesn't really have any adverse effects. What a life, I tell ya.

Last night me and Ryan went to the Dry Bean Saloon and then back to his place. We tried to call people to come party with us but ultimately it was just me and him for the majority of the night. We watched Dave Chapelle's stand up routine. OMG, it was the funniest thing I've ever seen and it was not because I was drunk. I was laughing convulsively throughout the whole thing. It was way better than Chris Rock. Good times, good times.

Next, the new word of the day, dysphemism ... I couldn't fit all I wanted to into that little post-it note. So here's some additional information for you.
dysphemism (DIS-fuh-miz-em) noun - The substitution of a harsher, deprecating or offensive term in place of a relatively neutral term; antonym: euphemism

Finally, I would like to give a shout out to Kevin's little sister, Laura over there in San Antone. She told me to download the Song of the Day today. So far she is the third person to have her song posted as the song of the day. If you have a song that you like, and think I would like, and would like to share with the Sidesho-World, don't hesitate to send it to me or tell me to download it and chances are I'll post it. Just make sure its not Staind or Creed or, god forbid, Puddle of Mudd. God those bands suck. Aight, I'm out.

Aaaaaaaand scene! Well that puts a close to my first night out in College Station since I've been back. We organized a little group to go out to the ol' Northgate. I was accompanied by Allison, Ryan, Cappy, Brandon and Elizabeth. Turns out like half of Northgate was closed down for the holidays so our options were a tad limited, so we limited ourselves to just Dry Bean (of course), Hole in the Wall, and Fitzwilly's. It was a good time had by all. I ended up getting vury drunk as usual. But not as drunk as Ryan. Ha.

We were really excited because Shadow Canyon was advertising a New Years Eve costume party where the first prize was $1000. We were gonna brainstorm and come up with really great costumes and try to win it cause that's a helluva lot of money. But when I went to go pick up my car this morning I saw that the sign said New Years Party Cancelled. Those bastards. Oh well, now we're going to have to find something new to do and I do hate having to think, as you well know. Hmm. I'm hungry. And I need to go talk to one of my profs, and I should probably go to Best Buy and try to spend some of these gift certificates I just got. Okay, that settles it, I'm outta here. Peace out.

Welcome dear Sidesho-Viewers to SideshoViD.com VersionSiX. I'm very excited about this one. I really think it turned out well. If you wouldn't mind, do leave a comment letting me know that you like it. One new thing is the Word of the Day. I've been getting AWAD (A Word A Day) emails every day now for like 3 years. So I thought it only made sense to share them with you. The trick is to use them 3 times in a sentence the day that you read the new word. It will then become a permanent part of your vocabulary. Isn't that sabulous?!

Well, going home was fun. I got pretty good stuff for Christmas. I got Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, a Bond playstation game, a wireless mouse, undershirts, the new Armani cologne, a gift certificate to Steve Madden, a sweatshirt, new razor heads, gift certificates to Best Buy, and if I'm forgetting any I'm sorry to the person that gave it to me. I was severely satisfied though, needless to say.

I am back in College Station now, probably for good, but there is a slight chance I'll head back to Plano once more before school starts. Not sure what the New Years plans are. Really, the only thing I wanted to do for New Years was get VersionSiX up for you all. I will be doing some heavy drinking, I know that much. Probably hanging out with anyone and everyone who's in town ... so if you're going to be here, hit me up with an IM or an email, or a comment so you can join in on the festivities. Thanks and gig this. Peace out, have nots.

Hey, thanks to my friends and teammates for the abundance of comments. I'm not used to such a rousing response to a blog, but then, most of my blogs really suck. Today I took a final. I completely waxed it. I have this feeling that I got a 105 on it since there was a bonus, but you all know how modest I am, so I'm just gonna count on a 100. Then we worked on our fucking digital thermometer for like 12 hours. UGH! PS, thank you to EVERYONE who called me from Northgate to ask where I was and inform me that the semester was supposed to be over. Preciate that guys (and girls). We did sneak across for one beer just before last call, so that was the highlight of my fuckin night.

Anyway, I have another question to pose to you, loyal Sidesho-Viewers. Really, its more of an observation that might incite some thought. I think it is impossible to empty a tube of toothpaste. Its something I've always joked about, but this time around I decided to tempt fate and actually forgo buying a new tube of toothpaste despite the fact that mine was clearly 'empty.' Since I determined that my toothpaste was 'gone' 3 weeks have passed. And yes, I have been brushing my teeth twice a day on this tube of toothpaste. I think the relationship of toothpaste to time is asymptotic. I believe that it will never reach zero because there's always that last little bit you can squeeze out of the bottom. I'm not sure how to explain this phenomena ... perhaps a rift in the spacetime continuum?

I thought maybe you could share your thoughts. If you agree, or just mildly agree, or have experienced the same thing in your life. Also, any theories as to why this is so indisputably true. Thanks for your comments in advance. Laaaaaaaaate.

Oops, I did it again. We just got our tests back today in 349, the class that consumes my life ... and yours truly got the high score once again. I made an 88, which was really good for the amount of time allotted. So now everyone is going to have their score normalized to an 88. Basically you get your grade out of my 88 instead out of 100. So that should help everyone ... I mean, I get a 100 on it, so that helps me too, but I didn't really NEED help. HAAAAAA. It cracks me up. 2 for 2 this semester. Now I have a reputation to uphold.

If you haven't seen it on my away message, you have GOT to play this game. Its this online putt-putt thing that is extremely addictive. Joseph's friend Doug had it on his profile and I'm hooked now. My low score is 13 under par. If you beat me let me know. I'm sure it can be done, but it'll take practice.

Tomorrow I'm going with my friend Brandon to find a Halloween costume. I think I'm going to try to construct a party belt like my brother's roommate Jan used to have. Only with new technology maybe it won't have to be so bulky. A lot of my costume ideas hinge on my ability to construct said party belt. If you don't know what a party belt is, you suck. IM me and find out. That is all. End transmission.

Hey kids. Boy have I ever not been in the mood to blog lately. That just happens sometimes, y'know. Like you get into the groove of blogging nearly every day for a long time and then suddenly its the last thing you wanna do with your time. Anyway, I'm back now. You've sure missed out on a lot of good stuff, but thats half the fun of me not blogging is you not knowing whats going on, so instead of trying to catch up, I'm just gonna talk about yesterday.

I woke up a little hungover so I spent the morning eating a nice breakfast I cooked for myself, drinking water and juice, and taking a shower. I felt much better after that, and it was such a beautiful day that I couldn't help but be in a really good mood. Keith and Matt left for Dallas to go to the Who concert so I had the place to myself. I decided to turn off the AC, open up all the windows and turn on all the fans. Not only did I air the place out but it felt so good. I had the digital cable music station blaring as I vacuumed and dusted and disinfected. The place is currently spotless. We'll see how long that lasts. So when I was done, I decided to get ready to go to the football game against Vergina Tech. I like to wrap my knees to facilitate standing thru the entire game, so I did the tight ace bandage, metal supported brace combination. No one knows I'm wearin it though cause my overalls go right over it. Man was it hot at the game, especially in these overalls. But it was so fun. Well, besides the fact that we had 3 über-bitches standing next to us all in a huff cause they thought we were in their seats. Whatever. It was just me and Allison so instead of trying to squeeze into our seats, we just took some empty room a few rows back. It wasn't a big deal though, cause they were only there for one quarter and we left before halftime to go down for senior yell so they were only bothering us for like 8 minutes.

Senior Yell was awesome. We went down and lined up and I saw so many people I knew down there. It was like a little '03 reunion. We got to go down on Kyle Field while the Fightin' Texas Aggie Band was doing their show. Then we did two yells and welcomed the Aggies back onto the field. I could have SWORN I was on the jumbo-tron, but so far no one had seen me. The guy with the camera was panning our faces and I had the camera RIGHT in my face for a few seconds, so if it was on the jumbotron then I was too. If you saw me, please let me know. After that they herded us off the field and we went and found a new place to stand in some room of people that left after the band played. The game kinda sucked, mostly cause we lost, but I still had a blast. I got really sunburned in the face, like I knew was gonna happen. But despite all that, it was too fun. Certainly better than sitting up in one of those boxes. Thats just a random opinion of mine, not directed toward anyone.

After that, my brother Stephen was in town, so he came over to see my place. Then we went to go eat at Rockfish. Once again, I ate seafood and enjoyed it. We both got seafood enchiladas. I also ate a shitload of peanuts. Blech. Anyway, I also had a couple beers with dinner, and then stuffed myself with enchiladas, so when we got back we laid around and watched TV, and then Stephen went back to Houston. Almost needless to say, immediately I fell the fuck asleep for a good couple of hours. Allison finally woke me up by coming over to see what I was doing since I wasn't online, and I wasn't answering my phone. Then I went over to her place and watched Super Troopers. It was a pretty funny movie, I would recommend it to all of you without hesitation. After that I got online for a while, did some real nice chatting, drank a couple beers. Keith got home and we went to Taco Cabana at like 4am. Good times, I haven't done that in a while. Now its Sunday and here I am. I don't have shit to do today, so I ain't gonna worry about nothing. Maybe I'll go lay out or something. You know how I do. Anyway, now you're all up to speed, no more complaining. Czech you skillets later.

Oh, and download the new song of the day. Its the JAM, seriously.

Boy today was a long one, and its about to get longer. I don't have a lot of time to fill you in, but I'll take just a moment to hit the highlights. This mornign I woke up after about 7 hours of sleep. I don't know what the deal is, but if I get 5 hours or 9 hours I feel fine. Seems like anything in between just exhausts me. Anyway, I made it through class rather uneventfully, and then me and Sean decided to skip out on lunch and hit the earlier section of 250 so we could go home early. So with little break, I went right into my next class. After which, I had to truck it to the rec center for my archery class. I didn't want to be late because we got to shoot for the first time today.

I keep telling people I'm going to be a natural at archery. I was semi-correct. I was very consistent in my firing. He said as long as we were hitting the foam, we didn't have to worry about aiming, as long as our arrows landed close to each other. He even said out loud in front of the whole class that my arrows looked great. I was like "Thats me, those are mine" to everyone around me. I actually made some friends in class today, cause I was in a really good mood. If I could have taken my arrows and just moved them down a skotch, they all would have been on target. So I'll spend some time on Thursday perfecting my aim. What I really need to perfect is to keep the string from hitting my arm. Fucking OW! I have these bruises and cuts and shit all over my bow arm right now cause the string kept nailing me. I'm really going to have to practice to get it to stop too. You have to turn your arm just a skotch from what's natural and comfortable in order to avoid it and that'll just take practice to always remember to check that.

After archery I decided to go order my ring. So I hopped on Bonfire, fully knowing that the Clayton Williams building was like just the previous stop from the rec center. But I didn't feel like walking and I had nowhere in particular I needed to be. So I sat on that bus for 20 minutes while it went all the way around the whole route. And when it finally got to my stop I was pushin past people going for the open door. I was like "Excuse me please excuse me sorry" but these bitches wouldn't move. So I get to the door when it closes and the bus takes off. And where did it take me? Yooouuuu guessed it! Right back to the rec center where I'd stood lo those 30 minutes prior. So I was like "Fuck this I'll walk" and I walked to the Former Students building. My ring is officially on they way WHOOP! I'll get it on November 7th. I'm not sure when I'm dunking it. It could very well not be until like April so I can dunk it with some friends. That'll take some of the pressure off. Anyway, enough about me, how are you doing?

I love weekends. This one was a great one. Friday I all went to class and stuff, which is really studious for me. That night my friend Serge was having a party over at his place. I showed up around 11 and ended up being the first person there. People eventually showed up though and it ended up being a great time. I ended up catching a ride home with a friend and leaving my car there. Always the responsible one. The next day my parents showed up around noon. Luckily I just happened to wake up early and shower and drink some water (and get my car). My parents brought me a new kitchen table for my place, its totally sweet. Then we sat and chatted for a while. We went out for lunch at Texas Roadhouse, and then they took me grocery shopping. When we got back from Krogers they left for Houston to visit my brother, Stephen. It was a nice little visit.

Last night I went over to Ryan and Todd's place. David was in town yet again with their friend Sam. Frank and Stoner showed up and we started off the night with a little bit of 6-cup. Once the majority of us were sufficiently toasted, we busted out the drunken Pictionary. That is such a fun game. Me and Frank completely dominate when we're partners. We won the first game by more than half the board. Its pretty ridiculous, to be honest. I ended up not drinking for the rest of the night and driving myself home around 3am. Good times. Today I didn't do shit, but I'm about to go look at some homework and get it done. But right now I'm watching Pleasantville and really enjoying it. So I'll talk to you all later.

Well, I was planning on waiting to make another post until I got my internet up and running, but it turned out that I just couldn't wait that long. I am using Keith's computer right now. His works just fine, yet mine two rooms over will not even find a connection. Its very frustrating. I've been on hold with Cox Cable for about 30 minutes now. I just moved in yesterday with my roommates for the next year Keith (who we all remember from last year) and Matt. We got ourselves a nice little duplex. If you wanna know where it is, send me and IM and I'll probably tell you. I just don't want to broadcast that information. Anyway, moving in has gone semi-well. I made myself a curtain today out of heavy canvas material because the sunlight was coming directly into my window this morning and I couldn't sleep past 8am, which is insanely early for me, as you know.

But enough about me. Lets talk about my weekend. I left around 9:30am on Friday with Allison to head back to Plano because my brother, Michael, got married. Friday night was the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal was nothing. It took like 10 minutes to tell us all where to stand (I was a groomsman) and then it was off to the Radison hotel in Richardson for the dinner. It was a pretty good dinner, some chicken with this sauce on it and rice and a torte for dessert. There was also an open bar. That was pretty cool. I didn't much care for the country and western DJ until he put on some Eminem. It really flooded the dance floor, and I think it was the only rap song he had, so he just played it over again to keep everyone out there. As a gift for all of his groomsmen and ushers, my brother got us headlights. They're these 3 really bright LEDs that are attached to a headband and they can either produce a steady stream of intense light or you can make them blink or dim it or anything. They're really cool. So everyone out on the dance floor had these blinking lights attached to their foreheads. It was pretty cool. I was driving so I had to stay semi-in-control. I did a good job though. Even though after the dinner party me and Allison joined some of Michael's friends across the street at the Fox and the Hound for another drink.

The next day I just chilled around with the fam. Almost everyone went off the take a nap, but I wasn't tired cause I stayed in bed until well into the afternoon. So as everyone retired, I called my friend Jay in Plano and went over to his house. I haven't seen him in like a year. We ended up going to Bennigan's for a beer and he bought me a shot. Let me tell you, it was exactly what I wanted right before the wedding, but it didn't end up being an issue. The ceremony was at 7:30 at night. It was a nice wedding. Krista, my new sister in law, looked great. And, more importantly, so did I. Everything there went off without a hitch. They flew back to Sacremento, CA yesterday and left for Maui today. They're going to be there for 8 days. Fun stuff. The party after the wedding was another fun one with another bad DJ. It was the same DJ that did my brother, Stephen's wedding. He said his name was DJ Brian. I told him he was really clever. He played all the greatest hits of 20-30 years ago. Kind of sucked, but there was free beer, so we managed to have a good time. It was good to see all the family and old family friends and stuff. Even though I really only got to talk to each person for about 5 minutes. The next day I was moving into my new place so I got up, had brunch with Allison's family and then we hit the road for College Station. I ended up giving Kari (Krista's little sister) a ride back too, so it was the fullest car I've ever driven to school.

Now here I am in my new duplex, just chillin waiting for somebody, anybody, from Cox to pick up and tell me how to get my computer connected to the internet so I can get my AIM running 24/7 and my webcam too. Hopefully that'll happen in the next couple of days. If not, I'll be contacting you all from Keith's computer at a later date. Excelsior!

Ugh, thank you very much to my retarded brother for getting my hit count up to 1000 'single handedly' as he put it. So now it totally skews everything. He's a real doll. I'm glad they're keeping him busy up at work.

In other news: Monday morning I had my second exam in PoliSci. I didn't study a terribly long time for it, but I think I did okay. We have two text books and the majority of the questions were from the good text, that reads like a human is writing it. I knew all of those. The other text is nothing but facts and figures and inane statistics at the end of which he goes, "So we can conclude nothing." Long story short (which is pretty worthless once I've already told the long story, sigh), I think I did well.

The best part of having a test one day is not going to class the next. So Monday night I rallied up the roommates for a par-tay or Milton Bradley proportions. Earlier in the day me and Todd went to Wal-Mart and purchased Yahtzee and Pictionary. We then invited Doug and Nicole, as well as our friend Fucking Frank to play some drunken Pictionary. Frank doesn't drink anymore and Nicole wasn't drinking that night, so it wasn't completely drunken, but it was completely fun. We played for hours. Whenever somebody won, we'd just start over. Me and Frank ended up winning, technically, since we won 2/4 games, but I'd have to say there were no losers that night. We all had a very good time.

After everyone left, me and Todd sat up playing some Drinking Yahtzee. Then I decided I was hungry so I called Clay and made him come pick me up and take me to Taco Cabana. I think it was around 1am and he was working on a paper or something, but that wasn't important. What was important was my two chicken soft tacos. Damn skippy. Anyway, I didn't go to class on Tuesday (or today, shhh) because its completely worthless to go, and I just sat around all day. Did nothing spectacular.

Today I went to Texadelphia for Christine's 21st birthday ... HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTINE!!! If you haven't got anything better to do, click there and send her a friendly birthday IM. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hear from a loyal Sidesho-Viewer.

Anyway, that's all to report. Sorry for the massive amounts of paragraphs. I'm gonna go meet Justin for some coffee. Peace out, you have nots.

Home again, home again, jiggety jig. Hola mi amigos, tu es muy tente! I have returned unscathed from the weekend. My drives there and back were both uneventful, which is always a good thing when you're driving on the highway. When I got first got to my house in Plano on Friday night, I ate dinner with the parents. We had these fatass ribs that were so good. I brought some home with me and just ate them for dinner tonight. After dinner I played my dad at ping-pong, but I totally forgot my paddle at home so I was trying to use one that was WAY cushier than I was accustomed to and I lost. I didn't get romped or anything, I even won a couple games. But overall he still beat me, even though I'm still convinced it was because of the paddle and not anything due to my physical short-comings. Although it didn't take him long to figure out that my forehand is unstoppable and my backhand is non-existent. (Shh, don't tell anyone.) After that we went swimming to cool down, and then Paw was ready for bed, and I was ready to go out. So I met up with Colleen at the mall because they had extended hours for Tax-Free weekend. We were only there a little while before I declared that it was time to go to Friday's to get a drink. We did that and it was very tame, we got there just before last call and then went home.

The next day I woke up around noon and went shopping myself. I ran into Colleen at Willowbend, I was halfway meeting her there, and halfway just looking around. I didn't shop with her though. I tried to win a 1000 dollar shopping spree but that didn't happen, unfortunately. I coulda spent the shit out of it on some Diesel apparel. Then I went to Stonebriar cause I was still in the shopping mood, but couldn't find anything there either. It was fun to people watch though. I'm starting to feel old cause I was definitely not up to date on the current fashion trends half these kids at the mall were partaking in. And I'm sorry, but I still hate the front-tuck on shirts. I will never do that. Anyway, I wasn't there long and I went home. My parents went to go see Stomp so it was up to me to find dinner. But I had a project.

I've decided that my job is going to be playing guitar at daycares. There's good money to be had in that profession and I'm damn good at it. I can play, sing, interact with kids, and I have a shitload of experience. So I printed up a flier for myself. Maybe I'll post it up here once I get it all done. I did make a rough draft though and I took it over to MaryAnn's house to peruse it. She would know about that shit. She gave me some good advice on it and how to go about getting into the business. As an added bonus, she also fed me this badass meal of fried chicken, noodles, and brownies. It was "the bomb," as the children say. After that I met up with Steve at the ol' Starbucks and had a citrus smoothie type drink. It was really good. It tasted like a liquefied Dreamsicle. And we all know how much I love Dreamsicles. To cap off the evening I went down to Carabbas to hang out with Ryan S■■■. He's the head waiter there, and I had to wait around for forever for him to close out the registers or some shit like that. But I got to sit back in the office, so that was cool. Then we went to some guys house that he knows down in Dallas. It sucked though cause everyone there had gone to the lake earlier in the day and were already asleep by the time we showed up. So it was basically just me and Ryan playin pool and hangin out, which we really could have done at my house. Ryan's going to LA soon though to be a movie writer or something, so this may have been one of my last times to get to see him conveniently. I may go home one more time or he may come to College Station, its still very much up in the air. I'll fill you all in on that. Anyway, this should clue you into what happened this weekend. Anything else, or anyone else I talked to is insignificant. So ha! Adios, ninos.

Friday night was a right proper blast. It ended up that we decided to stay home and drink some beer. We had a pretty good turnout too considering we didn't really intend on having a party. Maddou came over early on in the evening to start sipping on a few brewskis. Later on then John showed up with one of his female friends. Jennifer drove in from Houston, also with a female friend. Doug and Nicole showed their faces once more and managed to convince a couple people to play drinking games (not me though, I always heed my own advice -- never play Doug's drinking games). There was some other guy there that I think came with Doug, I'm not sure. He had really cool tattoos. I'm sure was a little too interested in them, but I was drunk and they were really intricate. To top off the guestlist, Allison made a semi-surprise visit. We had such a blast. Me and Allison haven't gotten a chance to party together in forever. I don't think we stopped laughing hysterically the entire night. Everything was funny to us. Funny because it was true -- it was funny and true.

If you can imagine, I may have had just a little too much fun on Friday night, though I don't regret it one bit. So last night I took it pretty easy. We watched a bunch of TV and that was just about it. Maddou invited me out to Northgate but I honestly don't have any money. I have like 12 dollars in the bank right now but you need at least $20 to get it out of the ATM ... cause I ain't paying the service fee on the $5 ATM they have on Northgate. Anyway, it turned out to be a right bore, but I think I needed it. Oh yeah, this is off topic, but I talked to Stuart the other night. He finally called me back. You all remember Stuart from Moore Hall, right? He lives in Nashville, Tennessee now. Talk about fucking random. Whatever floats his boat though, I'm sure its better than Fort Worth.

Alright, I think today I'm gonna go to the rec and work out since I have such a fabulouso body now. My weight hovers right around 150 still, I haven't gained a damn pound in so long. The other day I was 152 a new high, and then yesterday I was back down to 149. I don't get it. I can't gain weight for the life of me. And that creatine was giving me heart palpitations so I quit taking it. Anyway, then I'm gonna lay out. So my day is full. You all be good ... and don't forget to tip your waitress.

I am back from Houston and my brother's 24th birthday. Boy did I have a good time. First we went to a restaurant called Floridito's. As many of you well know, I hate seafood and refuse to eat it. But Stephen wanted seafood for his birthday so I agreed to try it. I had something like a grilled banana leaf mahi-mahi. It was so good. It wasn't like any fish I've had before. It had a different taste and texture than I was used to and had all kinds of carribean stuff like mango on it. That was delish. His wife, Rachel, bought us each a drink called a Rum Runner. It was also very good, though very alcoholic.

From there we went to Dave n Busters. Rachel was funding the little operation and bought us each a Water Moccasin shot. I had one at Shadow Canyon the other night and it was a light, easy shot and a very tasty treat. Rachel wanted a shot that wouldn't be hard to take so we each had a birthday shot for Stephen. Then we told the bartender that it was his birthday so he bought Stephen a shot too. It was called a Tiger's Tail. I'm not sure what all was in it, I know there was some Jäger in there. He said it was good. A beer later a group of Stephen's friends showed up. It was a semi-surprise semi-party for him. When there were 6 people, Rachel once again stepped up to the plate and this time ordered 6 shots. These were called a 'Buzz.' They were huge shots, filled to the top. Everyone was joking we needed a straw for them. I took mine like I thought everyone else would but I ended up being the only one to shoot it, the rest took half and half or just drank it. I guess I'm still in that 21st birthday mode, but I thought it was a really good shot.

After that we spent the night in the arcade playing skee-ball, driving games, etc and always giving our tickets to this little black kid who never once said thanks. He just stared at us like we were crazy. He musta been about 4. It was funny. We did end up spending some of our own tickets. They weigh them and print you off a little voucher, so we tried to put our finger on the scale to up the count. Apparently the thing is pretty sensitive, cause when I really had 24 tickets, it printed out a voucher for 829. I got busted, but naturally argued with the guy acting offended that he would accuse me of such a thing. Stephen bought a couple big bouncy balls with the tickets. It was a fun night, I think we left around midnight. It was kind of weird though to be walking around with a beer fairly drunk while little kids are running around you playing video games and cashin in tickets. But it was a hella good time. Then we went home and went to bed. That was the extent. Tonight I think I'm gonna study for my government exam on Monday. I'm so studious. My roommates are both gone right now but their cars are here so I don't know whats up with that. I guess I'll give them a call in a minute. Peace out, sluts, have a good Saturday night.

YESTERDAY: Yesterday was a hella good time. I skipped class because I was exhausted from the Austin trip and just bummed around the duplex all day long. For dinner I met up with Allison and her mother, Delilah, at Wings N More. The whole Allison gang was there, her roommates, neighbors, and fratdaddy friends. It was so great to see Delilah, not only is she the coolest mom ever, but she's one of the (if not THE) most loyal Sidesho-Viewers. Gotta love that. After a wonderful dinner of chicken tenders, fries, and toast, all soaked into way too much ranch, I went back home to get ready to go to Karaoke Night at Shadow Canyon. We got there around 10 to take advantage of the $3 pitchers until 11. It was around 11 that Allison, in tote with Christine, Katie and the rest of the Dexter gang showed up to Hole in the Wall. For those of you not from College Station, Hole in the Wall is connected to Shadow Canyon. So Allison called me and I met them down there for a couple more pitchers of some Coors Light. We swear it was Coors Light and not Natty. Shadow was Shadow for the rest of the night, a few pitchers and couple chuggers later and we adjourned over at Doug's house (if you'll recall, Doug is the guy who taught us the vicious drinking game last weekend). At Doug's we played a game of 42. Me and Todd completely wiped the floor with Ryan and Doug, and I don't have a clue how to play really. So that was lucky. We finally came home and went to bed, but there was a good time had by all.

TODAY: Today I was forced to skip class again. Big shocker there. I'm going tomorrow (err, today technically) if I ever get to bed. Today I just bummed around again. I did start on the coolest pair of pants ever though. I am cutting up a pair of jeans and stitching them back together with thick ass twine. It looks so cool thus far. Hopefully it will continue in that trend.

TOMORROW: Tomorrow I'm going to class, and then coming home for lunch and stuff. Ryan's parents should be here around 3, and I've never met them so I'm going to wait around for that. Then I am departing for Houston because it is my brother, Stephen's, 24th birthday. I'm going to stay there over night and then come home on Saturday because I have a polisci test on Monday that I'm not too sure about. I did read 3 chapters today though and the test shouldn't be too terribly difficult if the guy gives like 40% A's on pickaprof. Alas, now it is time to hit the proverbial hay. I'll catch you have nots later (incidentally one of the gov. chapters I read tonight was on the concept of haves and have nots. Pretty cool huh?)

Last night turned out to be rather interesting. We hosted a small gathering at our duplex. It was me, Todd, Ryan, Jennifer, Daniel (until about 10) and a friend of Ryan's from work and his girlfriend. Doug and Nicole (respectively) brought with them a brand new drinking game none of us had played before. It was called Spades, and it was one of the most vicious drinking games I'd ever seen. One person calls out a suit, and cards are dealt to each person until a card of that suit appears. The person that received that card then has to drink the number of the card 2-14 (Aces being 14). The trick is, the timer is everyone else. The person to their immediate left starts 1, then the next person says 2, and so on. So basically you can count as fast or as slow as you want. And there are a few other funny rules. Like, you have to say another suit before you set your drink down. If you set your beer down before you say it, you have to repeat the card that you messed up on. Also if you miscount when someone else is drinking, they stop drinking, and you must take their card. The most fun rule, in my opinion, is that if the person drinking finishes their beer before the count is up, they can slam it on the table and whoever was supposed to say the next number, again, takes their card. So if you have just a little left in your can you can totally screw somebody. This also keeps someone from waiting too long to say their number. Basically, the game was totally fun and I wanted to put the rules up here for anyone that wanted to give it a go. But be forewarned ... we were all maxing out the breathalizer pretty early on in the night.

I think we passed out early. I'm not sure. I do remember getting online briefly, but don't remember any of the conversations I was having. If it was with you, help me piece that part of the night together. I didn't wake up today until about 3:30. I would have gotten up sooner but a storm knocked out the power last night so I had no idea what time it was until I got up and put my watch on. But that took care of the hangover, which I'm sure I would have had if I'd gotten up earlier. It was worth it though, we all had a blast. And as an added bonus, I have no desire to drink for a long time now ... so I'll be able to hold off until next weekend.

Speaking of next weekend, its my brother, Stephen's, 24th birthday. At least I think its 24. So I'm gonna drive to Houston to attend his little shindig in honor of the mediocre occasion. Fun stuff, I always love driving to Houston. Anyway, I think its time to retire, got an early day tomorrow as always. Peace out, have nots.

Just a couple quick things to keep you all informed. I've decided to leave on Saturday morning for home to go to KISS party. My parents are getting all new carpet and tile in my house and the whole thing has plastic curtains and everything everywhere so I don't really want to stay there any longer than I have to for that reason. Classes are going well, so far I haven't gotten anything less than 100's on stuff I've turned in. Lets just see if I can keep that up in the coming weeks, that would be sweet.

Thanks for nothing you slackers. I told you to come up with a topic for me and you didn't. Now I have to write a speech by Tuesday and I'm not sure what I want to do. It has to be a significant historical event. I was thinking about doing Ross and Rachel hooking up. I'm not sure if the time is right just yet to bust out the 'totally disrespectful farce of a serious topic smart ass' routine. But chances are I'll do something like that or equally worthless. Alright, I'll probably blog next after I see the greatest band ever, otherwise known as THE CALLING in concert. Peace out, suckas.

So I finished my second day of classes. They aren't so bad, I'm actually feeling alright about school right now. We'll see how that progresses once I have to start giving a speech every week. If you're bored and creative, post a comment with suggestions for a significant historical event I can research and then give a speech about next week. I have an outline due Friday, but its optional, thought it 'may' count for extra credit.

Todd and I kept up with our workout routine for the second day in a row. Things are looking on the up and up for us to keep it up all summer. After the first weekend is going to be the true test since I won't be here for us to do it. I've been working out my legs too. If you aren't aware, they're horribly weak from the atrophy due to surgery a year ago. The anniversary date is on June 19th. They're basically normal, I can walk and everything, but I have a hard time getting up sometimes and I can't carry anything too heavy. I want to continue doing my physical therapy until I can run and jump like the other boys. Right now I'm doing shit on the lowest possible weight and its burning like hell. I'm sure it will get easier though.

My schedule is so messed up from damn World Cup soccer. I'm not the biggest sports fan in the world but mostly its because our sports suck ass. Basketball sucks because everyone gets so damn excited about every 2 points like I'm the only one who notices that they're probably going to make 50 more baskets exactly like the one before. Nothing to go ape shit about. And baseball is just a whole bunch of nothing. Every 10 minutes there is 30 seconds of action. But soccer is very cool. The action never stops and every goal counts. Good shit. I just wish it didn't come on at 1:30am. Oh well, I'm off to take a shower, finish my stats homework, and get ready for some soccer. Viva la Russia! (That's who Ryan has money on)

Hello everyone. So good to see you again. As I type this, I am sitting in my parents' room on their computer. I made it home alive. I ended up leaving College Station around 1pm because me and Allison (that makes 6) stayed up late drinking wine and watching Sex and the City season 2. It was a fabulous time. I made one stop in Fairfield to grab something to eat at the Jack in the Box there. Traffic thru Dallas was fucking awful, but I finally made it. I think my mother is ordering in pizza ... so much for that homecooked meal.

I haven't decided what I want to do first whilst in Plano. My brother is coming in tonight with his wife. I could hang out and wait for them, but I think instead I'll call some peeps and see whats goin down in P-town. I'm sure I'll be ultra bored soon, but for now I need to unload my car. Adios, you have nots I will catch you on the flip side.

Today is the day that I move everything I own into a storage unit. I'm going to stay in College Station until Thursday just chillin. I'm also taking care of my friend Clay's birds and fish and he's getting back Thursday. I was thinking that I'd stay in Plano for a good while, but now Allison had a revelation and canceled her summer school to support herself in College Station. I still have some people to see and hang out with in Plano but there's a chance I won't be staying as long as I had planned. Plus, my parents are having new carpet and tile put in. I don't remember exactly when that's happening but I will definitely be gone for that.

There isn't much else to say, I have been such a waste of space this past week. But I think I deserved it. I did add the 'Song of the Day' to the left there. Click it to download and listen to whatever song I happen to be obsessing over at this very moment. The title 'of the Day' may be a big seficious since I'll be damned if I'm updating it every day. I may rig up some JavaScript to rotate it or something, but for now, just check out Strange Relationship. Its pretty cool. I think its the guy from Savage Garden. I suppose I could look up his name and see if its Darren Hayes, but it sounds like him so that's why I think it. Aight kiddos, time to load up the truck.
There is no spoon.

I'M DONE!

Hello, dear friends! How I've missed you. Carpe diem, my friends, sieze the day! Excelsior! Haha! Boy, its been a while since I've had time to sit down and blog. Consider yourselves lucky though, the only reason I have time now is because my 9:10 got canceled today. So I thought I'd fill you all in.

Basically this has been a hellish week. I've never had so much to do in my life. Well, allow me to rephrase. I've never had so much to do that I actually HAD to do. Like none of this shit is optional in the least ... unless you consider graduation 'optional.' Yesterday I had a presentation at 8am and another at 8pm. The one in the morning was for tech writing. We presented our Argentina webpage, which is here if you really feel like looking at it. That presentation was inherently lame, there was nothing we could do about it, but we got an A on it. I doubt it'll be enough to bring my grade up to a B overall, so its basically worthless, I may as well have gotten a C on it. But regardless I'm done with tech writing! Yahoo!

Then I went home and took a nap so I wouldn't be yawning during my evening presentation. My group met at 6 to start practicing. We found what we thought was an out-of-the-way classroom with a media center to practice in but around 7:00 our professor walked in to find us doing a dress rehearsal with our powerpoint up on the screen and everything. It kind of threw us off, though I think he appreciated us practicing. The actual presentation went really well. We had practiced it so many times that we hardly had to think while we were speaking. I think the prof enjoyed it. Then came the dreaded Q&A session. I'll just say that I think I did really well answering his questions clearly, concisely, and for the love of God, correctly. If the demonstration goes well, and our documentation is as good as I think it is ... I could be looking at not only passing, but ... (nevermind, I'm not gonna say it).

On the slate for this week is a review today at 10:30am, a demonstration tomorrow at 8:30pm, a final Thursday at 10:30am and then a massive, well deserved drinking binge on Friday. I'll see you all there. And remember ... Carpe diem, my friends, sieze the day! Excelsior!

Tonight I went to the WWF's Monday Night Raw at Reed Arena with Keith and two of his work friends. It was so much fun. I showed up in support of Spike Duddley, the 140 lb wrestler, but I seemed to be the only one. His slogan is "Pound 4 Pound: One Tough Little Bastard." He's so cool. I actually got to see all the wrestlers that I like -- Spike Duddley, Jeff Hardy, Stone Cold, and Rob Van Dam.

We rode the bus to Reed Arena but it took so long that we just decided to walk home. So we walked from Reed Arena to our apartment, which is pretty damn far. I don't know what this new trend of me walking long distances is, but I know its got to stop. It ended up being lucky that we took so long cause when we got home we left for Taco Cabana.

When we got there, Keith recognized Sean Staziak, or something like that, he's a no name. But he was eating with Rob Van Dam. Yes, that's right, RVD, Mr. Monday Night, The Whole Fucking Show, The Vandaminator, was eating at our Taco C. Keith got pictures with both of them, and I shook RVD's hand and thanked him for the good show tonight. I wasn't overly excited (I mean, it wasn't Spike Duddley) but Keith about urinated on the both of them. All in all though, it was a very exciting cap to a very entertaining evening. Viva la WWF!

Today, I thought I'd share with you all a fan letter I received today. It's from my older brother's friend, Tim Frankert. For a long time he's really idolized me, which is kind of flattering, yet sad at the same time. I know he visits my site like every day, so I thought you all might like to read what he had to say, and what I had to say back to him.

Subj: you suck
dear mr. stupidhead (and i use the term mr. loosely)

your site is worthless without the techno-stylings of stephen p f■■■■. if
you do not post the techno-stylings of
stephen p f■■■■ soon, i will tell my friends not to visit your site
anymore. and for gods sake take that lame
freshman esque picture of you drinking a beer off of the front of the page,
it doesn't make me think you are cool

billy jack smith

Subj: Re: you suck
Dear Frankert,

Initially while reading your email, I thought that perhaps your approval was important to me. It was when I reviewed the header and realized it was from the likes of you, I had to chuckle to myself. Your opinion is worthless, as it always has been. Absolutely worthless to everybody. I'm sorry for having to tell you this, I know your mediocrity in life has always plagued your self esteem (or lack thereof) but I felt it had to be said. If you want me to think you are cool, perhaps you should continue to visit your friend's little brother's webpage regularly. Loser.

Sincerely,
ViD

I know he'll enjoy his little shout out on my page. He's so weird. Anyway, I'll be drinkin like a freshman tonight, so I'll see you all tomorrow. Have a good parents weekend.

I know all of you have been waiting on the edge of your seats for the result of my ENTC249 test. Alas, I did not make a 100. I did, however, make a 99. He took off one point on my diagram of the UART because I didn't box in the components of the Baud Rate Generator and label them as a whole. He didn't take off for that on anyone else's test but mine. I think he's just too proud to give a 100 even though I knew EVERYTHING. I am the smartest man alive.

I am so exhausted. I woke my happy ass up at 8am this morning for lab, and then worked on the crossword and Econ homework for a long time. Then I went and sat outside Moore on the benches like old times for a while. Then I had class, then important TV, and now its 1am and I'm about to start working on a resume for Tech Writing. I haven't even looked at the assignment. I hope I get to sleep tonight. Maybe not. I'll keep you posted. Over and out.

Sooo close to Spring Break. I can't wait. I don't know if I ever blogged about my plans, so I will now. I'm going home on Saturday to good ol' Plano. Then I'm gonna hang out there for a few days and see some people. Then on Tuesday it's off to California to see my brother, Michael. He just recently got engaged, as you well know, and I've never been to Cali, much less seen his place so it should be fun. Plus its completely free. Thats the best part of it.

I finally posted some new pictures in on the Pics section. Its been a while since I promised I would. All of them are from over Christmas when my brother, Stephen got married. I think they're all pretty good. I'll probably add captions some day, but not today. Other than that, not much has happened. Keep up the good work, kiddos.

Hey, thanks for all the great comments yesterday *makes masturbatorial motion* Anywho, some people grasped the concept, the rest of you, I'll have to have a talkin to. So, to everyone in Aggieland, is it fucking cold enough for you today? My God, I don't know what the temperature is, but the wind chill must be below freezing. I wasn't wearing a single article of clothing today that could block the wind. Today sucks. And I have to go back out in it in a couple of hours. I'm gonna maybe take a nap or watch some TV for a couple minutes. Then I'm gonna go get Lisa Loeb's new album. It's gonna be most excellent. If you want to hear her new single, Someone You Should Know, on Real Player, you can click there. Then I'm gonna go get some tickets for me and Keith to Thursday's showing of The Vagina Monologues. Then its off to class for the rest of the day. It should be a fun and exciting, albeit subfreezing, day.