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I cannot tell you how much satisfaction my new job brings me. I feel like I have actual responsibilities with actual challenges being "managed" by an actual manager. It's pretty fun to look forward to work every day for a change. And to only work 8 hours a day. And to ride the Vespa every day since I won't be required on any construction sites. I just couldn't be happier.

It's also freed up my weekends completely for revelry. I always love it when drunken meandering leads you to random fun. Last weekend Daniel and I found ourselves in the back of a horse-drawn carriage, surrounded by xmas lights, drinking red wine. We went all around the neighborhood zig zagging through buildings, even stopping off at a bar to get topped off with some wine to-go. I must admit we were merely along for the ride while our crazy neighbors made it all happen, but still it was good to be out and about every so slightly breaking the law to turn a good time into a great time. I wanted Daniel to take off on the horse bareback through the park after we watched him get unsaddled, but that probably wasn't as good of an idea as I thought it was right at that moment.

I also have signed on with a new personal trainer at the gym. He's this guy we kind of know from the neighborhood who is giving us a really good deal so we're gonna train 2 or 3 times a week depending on how we like it. Gotta get in shape for St. Thomas.

Did you know we are going to St. Thomas in June -- which is going to be amazing. Then it's off to San Diego in August to watch Owen get married. EEEEEEEE!!1! Then in October we're going to Vegas because we have floor seats to Kylie Minogue's first every North American tour. Couldn't be more excited about that. My dad even got us two free hotel rooms in Vegas with his timeshare for me and my friends. Suck on that.

Sorry about the lack of updates. It'll probably stay this way for a while, I'm completely unmotivated to blog. Maybe I should start twittling or whatever.

It has occurred to me recently that I don't really update my webpage all that often. And when I do, I don't really feel as though I have those golden nuggets of wisdom nearly as often as I used to. And I'm going to be honest with you. I thought about ending SideshoViD.com. As much as I try to entertain my loyal Sidesho Viewers, its really more just a journal for me. I thought I could save it to my hard drive and just call that a chapter of life.

Then SideshoViD.com went away.

I thought at first that it was Earthlink's problem. My website and my email were both broken so I shrugged it off and ignored it as I so often do with life's little problems. But after 3 days of consecutive down time I started to get worried. So I checked to make sure they were still billing me. And they were not. I hadn't paid for my website since November. Oops. So I called them and asked them why I wasn't notified that my payment was past due and they said they tried to contact me at @aol.com and at my parent's old house phone number. So I was like yeah, maybe its time to update my account information. 24 hours later, we are back in business.

My first reaction to learning that my website had been canceled for non-payment was to blog about it and complain. And I couldn't. So then I thought, ooh, that would be a good blog too, about how I want to blog and I can't. But I couldn't. It was like when the electricity goes out in your house, but you still flick every light switch in every room and are momentarily surprised and upset that the lights don't come on before you remember the electricity's out. Yeah. That. That's the metaphor for how I felt about no longer having this outlet. Sudden bursts of panic.

So even though I'm not funny any more. Even though I don't have any readers any more. Even though I can't get comments anymore because of spam. SideshoViD.com isn't going ANYWHERE.

Today I came dangerously close to giving up. I have been near starvation for almost 4 days now. The reprieve I keep hoping for is not coming. I read that the first ten days are the worst and I think to myself, there's no way I can do this for ten days. I can't drink any more laxative tea or guzzle salt water at 7am any more. Any time I try to see the finish line, it is so far off that it feels hopeless. I try to just take it one day, one hour, one more commercial break at a time, but I have to admit... my will power is fading. The fact that my misery is self inflicted and could end, well, whenever I want, makes it that much harder to keep going.

I called Matt C■■■■ for some advice. Really, I called to ask him if he thought it would hurt me inside if I ate solid food after only four days of cleansing. After ten days, you should gradually reintroduce solid food, but I thought maybe after four days, I could just have a bowl of cereal and quit this whole insanity. But he reminded me that I'm not supposed to be hungry. If I'm hungry, I can drink more lemonade. And if that doesn't work, I can make some super lemonade with extra syrup. So I went to the kitchen and made myself a few glasses of extra strength lemonade. And I drank them. And the cramp in my stomach went away, my headache went away, my heart palpitations went away. All of this for the first time in four days.

So I've decided to keep going.

I'm not going to lie to you. I can't guarantee a victory on this one. Two weeks was a lofty fucking goal. Ten days would be respectable, but even that seems so far away. For now, I've decided to go one more day. And that is really all I can do. But, I am going to give myself a break and not drink the tea tonight. I was up at 3am involuntarily because of that stuff and I could really use a good nights sleep. Hopefully Josh is right. (Pretty Eyes Josh, not Pretty Sure Josh) Hopefully day five will be that downward slope I've been looking for. Wish me luck.

Last night I went to a work party. After eating some dinner and socializing for a few minutes, it was right up stairs to play Wii. I think the Wii will probably affect adult parties more than childrens. Bowling and tennis are just too much damn fun. I'm kind of surprised my Wii arm isn't sore. Good thing because that also happens to be my slots arm. I'm leaving for Vegas in a few hours, and I'm not going to lie to you. I'm feeling awfully slotty.

Real quick, though, I gotta tell you what's even better than the Wii. Rock Band. I think it's only out on the XBox 360, or at least it's not out on the Wii. I went to a Rock Band birthday party and we played all night. It is so much fun. There are vocals, guitar, bass guitar, and drums. And the drums are like a massive controller. And then it's just like Guitar Hero where you follow the little colored bars on the screen. Except the vocals, all you have to do with that is stay on pitch at the right time. I feel like such a loser because I've never liked video games before, save Tony Hawk, but now I find myself getting obsessed. Not obsessed enough to buy my own, that costs money, but totally into it, for sure.

Last bit of news, have you all heard that American Gladiators is coming back?! It's hosted by Hulk Hogan and Muhammad Ali's daughter. I think her name is Tatiana. You can go look at all the new gladiators if you google their website. My brother, Stephen, sent me the link and said his favorite one is Fury and I found myself agreeing. You just can't beat a pony tail coming straight up out of a grown woman's head. I was frankly a bit surprised that Wesley "Two Scoops" Barry didn't come back as a gladiator. Anyway, I decided that when I'm a gladiator my name will be Maui, an hommage to Malibu, the greatest gladiator of all time. Stephen said his name would be Laser Beam because he wouldn't be comfortable leaving it at just Laser. So your homework assignment is to leave a comment with your American Gladiator name and why.

If I don't win millions, I'll be back on Wednesday. Peace.

Today is the day I finally cut my rat tail off. I've been growing it for quite some time and it is understandably out of control. I took a picture of it last night just for documentation purposes and maybe I'll post it here sometime when I'm not so lazy. I am also going platinum today. I haven't dyed my hair in so long and I just can't wait. The hairstyle I'm going for is WWII chic. I want to look like I'm about to be shipped off to Normandy.

In other news, finishing touches on the bar began last night. All of the oak is stained and shoelocked and ready to go. Turns out oak is incredibly hard to get nails or screws through. Total pain in the ass. But we managed to get the trim and the first panel up. It looks fantastic. When it's all together I have every confidence that it'll be breathtaking. Toot! Toot!

Not much time to work on it today with my haircut and two parties to go to. The first one is whirlyball. If I remember from 6th grade correctly, its a game where there are two teams on a basketball court. Everyone has a little scoop that you can use to scoop up and fling a whiffle ball. And the objective is to hit a hoopless basketball backboard inside the square to earn points. Oh wait, did I mention the whole time you're in a hard to control bumper car? Cause that's kind of important. Then it's off to celebrate Katie turning 21. All these kids are growing up so fast.

And in final news, I've been thinking already about Febrehabruariv. I'm going to give up drinking and smoking and go vegan again. But I've been brainstorming ways to make it more difficult. It defeats the purpose somewhat if it's easy. I toyed with the idea of giving up driving. The bus stop is relatively close to my apartment but SO FAR from my office. It would certainly be a massive challenge. Maybe a tad too much. I will probably give up caffeine in any form now that I don't really need it to survive. But also for the middle two weeks, I'm going to do a master cleanse. Some of you may have heard me talk about it after C■■■■ introduced me to the concept. It's not so much that I think it's a great idea, although I am 100% intrigued by testimonials on the internet, but more that I think it would be HARD to do. Essentially the only thing you ingest for two weeks is this mixture of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. You should google "master cleanse" to read more about it. It's insane. But people on the internet and C■■■■ swear by it. So I think I'll do it.

Let me know if you want to play along. Ha!

If you think the only thing I ever really talk about on my webpage these days is my bar, you are only half right. The only thing I ever talk about all the time now is the bar. I can't wait until it's done so I can shut the hell up about it. I made some good progress this weekend. I got the tile and some mortar and laid the tile and embedded the cutting board and hammered some copper and raised the microwave so the door would open. Later this week I have to grout everything. Anyway, here's a picture.

It's really starting to take shape. You can see where I put copper around the trash hole. I just wanted to add another natural element to the overall design. It was originally going to be a trash chute but since I couldn't really do that, I thought this was a nice compromise. And the cutting board couldn't look nicer against the tile. Turns out they don't make rectangular tile like I wanted so these 1x1 mosaics work just fine.

Sooo yeah. That's all I got. Late.

I have been working feverishly on my bar this week to make up for my weekend warrior frustrations. Tonight I took the drawers (that I fucking built) and attached them to the cabinetry with these badass $15 rails. That may not sound like a lot of money to you, but in the land of drawer slides, that is just about as good as it gets. The only thing nicer is those ones you slam but they automatically slow themselves down and shut quietly. Too bad they didn't sell them at Home Depot.

Speaking of Home Depot: Why is it that every time I'm in that fucking store I am like the only person in the store. I mean the ONLY person in the store. When I bought the plywood, I was looking for someone to tell me what kind of plywood to buy and to help me cut it in half. And I walked through every aisle of lumber. And then proceeded through every aisle in the store. When I'd made it all the way to flooring without seeing an orange apron, I went straight for the customer service desk. No one there! I'm like 97% sure they were open. That has been the consistent pattern with that store. Fuck them. I hate them. If you need something from Home Depot, just go to Lowe's, cause they'll say hi, ask you if you need help, help you find what you need, make suggestions, and load it in your car for you. Way better.

Where was I? Oh yeah... DRAWERS!

Can you believe it? These drawers are major. (If you haven't been watching Victoria Beckham's new reality show, you are truly missing out. I fucking love her. I am going to attempt to call everything in my life "major" from now on.) The drawers are 18"x21"x6". They are so deep and big that we've decided we're going to inlay some foam covered in velvet and shape it to hold the various items we had planned for the drawer space. A knife. A bottle opener. Um... maybe like a backup knife? Too much storage for sure. One could most definitely hold 3 emergency liquor bottles.

I never thought it would be shaping up this well this fast. If you look closely there are many, many construction mistakes to be seen. One reason I greyed out the background was to hide some rough edges. But that will all be invisible with the finishing tile work and trim. I am so excited. I will let you all know when the bar warming party is. Until then, keep cheering me on!

P.S. Today is my brother, Stephen's birthday. Happy Birthday, brother! This picture is your gift.

This past weekend, Daniel and I set about painting the master bedroom. We had originally thought that maybe we should just redo the bedroom I had in my old apartment since that was so badass. Toot! Toot! But what a horrendous waste of a opportunity that would be! Am I right? Ultimately, we decided to go with a variation on the theme of vertical stripes.

I'm really obsessed with Kenneth Brown. He's an interior designer who stars on reDesign. Every room he does turns out absolutely badass. He always puts this "spa-like feel" in every room and I wanted a piece of that. So I went a little bit out there and chose a nice soothing green for the walls. For the stripes, we masked off some that were much wider than my old ones. Then we painted them a light shade of yellow, let it dry, and painted this muddy matte brown on top. Before the brown dried, I scraped it off with a wire bristled brush to achieve a really cool fox finish. It's got great texture and almost ended up looking kind of safari. So we're gonna get some bamboo for the corner and maybe a zebra skin rug or something. We're still working out the details. Anywho, in the meantime, I wanted you all to see it. I hope this picture comes up okay on your screens cause it didn't look great on my camera, but it should give you a good idea.

Since we have three bedrooms in our apartment now, we turned the middle one into a TV lounge, hangout room. It has just about everything you could ever want in a TV room: a TV with all the accoutrement, surround sound, super comfy sofa, mood lighting. Everybody loves hanging out in there. Really, the only thing that sucks about it is when you're drinking and you have to keep getting up and going to the kitchen to throw out an empty beer can and grab a new one. It is seriously far.

Solution! The day we moved in I vowed that I would convert the TV room closet into a swank bar complete with my wine fridge, a beer fridge, trash can, cutting board, glassware. You name it, this shit is going to be nice. The more I plan, the more complicated my dream becomes. Now bear in mind that I have zero experience and absolutely no tools. But I have a dream, damnit, and sometimes that's all you need.

But seriously, if anybody has any experience or tools, I could really use your help.

The past couple of days at work I've spent drawing this conceptual drawing. I first measured the closet and then learned how to use AutoCAD to do a really nice isometric drawing as a first draft for getting my thoughts onto paper. Today I took that finished AutoCAD drawing into Photoshop and googled the different materials to overlay into this finished product. I'm obviously pretty proud of myself. Toot! Toot!

The whole thing is roughly 8' by 2' and will be covered in slate tiles. The back has four holes in the wood trim for accent lighting. There will be glass shelves above it with all my glassware, so this should create a cool lighting effect. The cutting board is actually recessed into the two-ply-wood shelf. After it's tiled, it will be flush with the rest of the surfaces. The copper flashing you see is actually just a hole that leads down to a trashcan that will be concealed by the large cabinet. Drawers flank on either side for spoons and knives and whatnot. Where you see no cabinetry is where the closet walls will actually be hiding those areas. And below each drawer will be a wine fridge or a beer fridge.

I really think I've thought of it all here, but if you have any suggestions on how to improve my little design let me know. I estimated the construction time at 2 years but Daniel thinks we can accomplish it in a few weekends. I guess all we can do is try ... and kiss our deposit goodbye. Let me know what you think!

We did it. We moved. It only took about 12 grueling hours to finish. I can only imagine how long it would have taken were it not for the help of my father and our dear friend, DJ iMernex. I have been working long hours at work and I'm getting ready to go back to Seattle on Sunday (for one day) so I've been very little help in putting anything away. Plus, you all know me. I'd keep shit in boxes indefinitely if it were up to me. But not Daniel. Boy howdy, everything is done. It looks amazing. This place is so fucking huge it's ridonkulous.

I'll be gone Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and then after that I should be home for a while. I say this because everyone I like needs to drop by as soon as you can to see the pad. I can't wait for Kaboom Town this year. I think we're gonna do a Kaboom Town/My Birthday/Housewarming Party thing. Whatever will we call it? Kaboothdarming? I am pretty sure that's a city in Iraq. Anyway, come up with some ideas and I'll pick the second best one.

The only downside to living here (and I'm not sure it's even a downside) is that there's ample parking on the streets over here. Whereas before I was usually forced to park in the garage, here I can always find a spot right by my door. Which means that birds poop all over my car every day. And it's an unbearable amount. So tonight I begin Operation Shine Lasers Under Trees. Every night around dusk, I am going to walk underneath every tree on the street and put a laser in the eye of every bird settling down for the night. After a few nights, they should be discouraged from ever staying there again. And I'll just keep on until my car is always clean. If it doesn't work, I'll just get a BB gun.

And that concludes my post. Having Daniel's computer here all set up is really nice and will hopefully equate to more frequent blogs. So don't delete me from your favorites list just yet. There's plenty more where this came from.

I am on the verge of accomplishing something I have never accomplished before. I am about to finish a garment. Like, I started it, worked on it, and now it is almost done. It's a weird feeling.

When I would watch Project Runway, I was always confused as to how men got involved in women' fashion. I would imagine that people would just gravitate toward designing clothes for themselves and then would branch off from there. But this garment I'm about to finish is a dress for my friend Katie. And now I understand why everyone does women's clothes. They are so much easier than men's. And so much more fun.

I wouldn't tell Katie anything about the dress. All I would tell her is that anything I made, she had to wear. And furthermore, she has to wear it at Daniel's upcoming birthday party. So now I really have to finish it. But since I don't really mind if she finds out, and because I don't think she reads my webpage with any regularity, I thought I'd go ahead and post a sketch of the dress. I totally free handed this from scratch. Not. But I did choose the colors to approximate the fabric that I chose. Part of me hopes it fits her beautifully, but I have to admit there's another part of me that hopes we have to pin it up and let it out and her boob is falling out all night. That would just be funnier. I'm sure we'll snag at least one picture of her at the party and then we can finally compare one of my sketches to the finished product. And that will make for good times.

Speaking of the party, if you aren't on Myspace and didn't get the invitation, but somehow feel you are deserving of attending, just let me know. We should have plenty of room for more friends. I gotta go attach the dress and the bodice now and then I'll be done. Ha, "bodice," listen to me talking like an old pro. Laaaaaaaate.

Not too much to report here. Looks like that Jonny fellow has attacked my website again, so you'll find the comments disabled temporarily for any post that was on the front page at the time. At least this time it doesn't redirect you anywhere. I'll get that cleaned up for your soon, but that's a timely process and I don't feel like doing it right now.

Veganism is going well. Sober and smoke free are not even an issue for me these days. Veganism is challenging at times, but rewarding. I had a dream last night that I ate a whole bag of Cheetos without realizing it. I can't have those in real life because they have cheese in them. A bastardized version of cheese, but a derivative somehow of milk nonetheless. My weight loss is ... well, negative. I've actually gained like a pound. I'm not sure how that's happening since I've removed around 100 grams of saturated fat daily from my diet. I have been using fatty avacados and nuts as a crutch to help me achieve the old familiar feeling of full. But even so, those are "good fats" and I wasn't going hog wild with them or anything. I'm going to try and concentrate my efforts on vegetables. I've slipped a little bit and have been eating a lot of fruit. Which is good for you, don't get me wrong, but vegetables are better. Less sugars. So I can't fathom that I could possibly go a whole month without any weight loss. If I rededicate myself to a majority of raw vegetables and keep active, I'm sure I'll meet my goal. Although at this point, it would be physically impossible to do so by the end of February. So you know what they say...

Hello, Marehabch!

Good morning, boys and girls. Today I greet you from the confines of my very spacious and comfortable bed. And although I am breaking one of the covenants of sleep by doing something other than sleeping or fucking in bed, I'm afraid I have very little choice. You see, it wasn't my internet that was broken, it was my wireless router. And since I know precious little about networking, and am employed somewhere where I basically do nothing but troubleshoot all day every day, I have very little interest in trying to fix it. So for now, I'm just going to plug in in my bedroom. Who knows, maybe if I ignore the problem long enough, it'll go away. Seems to work for everything else. At least Ryan S■■■ gave me his extra 6' cable, so I could quit using the 6" cable that ties my router to the wall.

He gave it me to pay for the lunch that I made him. I think maybe you should all start calling me Sidesho With His Shoes Off. I was watching Ina Garten (Contessa With Her Shoes Off) the other day and she was making roasted tomato basil soup. And I thought to myself, "I could do that. I could fuckin do that." So I printed out the recipe and went to the store. The only edits I had to make were soy margarine instead of butter and vegetable stock instead of chicken broth. Cooking is so much easier than baking because you can make substitutions without it ruining everything. But seriously, folks, this soup was from absolute scratch. I chopped up onions and garlic cloves and sauteed them in margarine and olive oil with a sprinkle of red pepper flakes. Meanwhile my tomatoes cut in half were tossed in olive oil, salt, and pepper and were roasting in the oven. Then I mixed them with a can of whole tomatoes, vegetable stock, a shit ton of fresh basil, and thyme. After that boiled and simmered for 40 minutes, I busted out my brand new immersion blender and went to town. Awesome. I do have to say my tomato basil soup was a smidge better than La Madelines. And now that I'm confident in the recipe, I can totally tweak it to my liking.

Being a vegan is proving more challenging than good, clean living. But it is distracting me a little bit from the pains of withdrawl. Unfortunately, it's also making me gassy. I've never had gas before. It's bizarre. I have to assume that drastically altering my diet is to blame and hopefully it'll calm down once I get situated. Because I'll tell you one thing, I will either starve or explode before I break Febrehabruariii. I committed to this and I'm going to see it through til the end, but at this point, don't expect me to be a vegan again next year.

Best wishes to my fellow Febrehabruariiites, especially Matt C■■■■ who has taken this to the extreme and is ingesting nothing but lemonade for a month. You are truly more hardcore than I, sir. Laaaaaaaaaate.

On your mark! Get set! Go! Febrehabruariii begins! So far so good. I was nursing a raging hangover this morning -- one so bad that it required me taking a bath when I rightfully should have been at work -- so that always makes day one a breeze. I'm mostly just hungry. I think I ate enough today, I just never got that hungover satisfaction that a greezy mushroom swiss burger can bring. So far I've had plain ass oatmeal, a veggie sub, cashews, apple sauce and a protein shake. Not exactly busting a gut, but whatever, my body will adjust.

Last night Daniel and I celebrated our one year anniversary. Now, before any of you point out what I know you're going to point out, we decided that no matter how good or how bad things were for a while there, this was still the day that our relationship began. But we decided to party on Febrehabruariii Eve so that we could booze it up at dinner and whatnot. We ate at SoHo over on Beltline. Tres chic, great food, good atmosphere. I can't believe I've never been there. We might go back at some point because they serve hummus and I'm gonna eat me some hummus this month.

I just got back from the grocery store with 100 dollars worth of suitable vegan delights. You can't imagine how hard it was to find bread without milk in it. Or margarine that was totally soy. Reading labels sucks. It takes so much longer to shop. The other downside is that almost everything I got is perishable. So if for some reason I don't eat it all, then it totally goes to waste.

So okay, Daniel just walked in and busted me using his computer. My internet has been down for over a week, hence the lack of updates. I'm gonna go upstairs now and make myself some more blueberry muffins, but this time I'm going to try putting some blueberry juice in the batter like maybe in place of some of the water because I want them to come out blue. Huzzah!

Good luck to everyone who is participating, and by that, I mean Lauren.

I have been doing my research prior to my Febrehabruariii vegan experiment. I was afraid that an absense of meat, eggs, cheese, and pigs' feet would leave me wanting for meal ideas. Turns out there are all kinds of vegan recipes available for me to try. More than I could possibly try in 28 days. And I found out that the only animal product that is in my Subway whole wheat bread is honey, and I'm not counting that because bees aren't cute. Plus, I think they, like, excrete honey, so it doesn't hurt them anyway if we just steal it when they aren't looking.

I am so geared up for this. I made some blueberry muffins last night. Instead of butter they had soy margarine and instead of eggs they had applesauce. Now, you all know I hate to toot my own horn, but ... these are the best muffins I've ever had in my life. I brought some to work so everyone else could try them and they all agreed. And they're not exactly open minded when it comes to food.

One more weekend to go and then it's time to buckle down and focus on the trek ahead. I have another twist for this year. I am going to lose 15 lbs. Instead of hoping that I do, I'm going to. If March 1st rolls around and I haven't achieved this goal, then Febrehabruariii continues. Although, I highly doubt that I will have any trouble with a total lack of beer and steak, but still. It is entirely possible this could go on indefinitely.

Who else is pretending to participate this year yet fully anticipating to stop after 2 or 3 days ... or their first urge for a drink or cigarette?

Since I know you've all been waiting with baited breath (if you've been eating anchovies), I've come to share the results of my experiment. I left a sacrificial beer out over night until it reached room temperature (which, oddly enough, when it's cold outside is around 75, although during the summer hovers closer to 65 ... must be the dew point). Parenthetical interjections aside, I am proud to announce that my digital thermometer plunged from 75 to 32 (as low as the thermometer goes -- d'oh, sorry I'll stop interrupting) in under 2 minutes. And that was with the beer not fully submerged so I could measure it!

I can now rest easy knowing that so long as I leave my largest tupperware container filled with salt water in the freezer, i can always have ice cold beer in under a minute. Whew! One less thing to worry about.

In other news, some fuck head screwed up my webpage the other night. Unfortunately for him, I check my comments about every 2 to 3 minutes. Jonny was his name. Whatever html code he had posted in my comments section automatically redirected me to some website that I had to click to enter. I was too scared to do it, though, because no good comes from that. But you, my faithful viewers, are inevitably braver than I (or on the library computer so who cares?). So I need you to go to http://usuc.us/j.php and tell me what it is. It even fucked up the inner workings of my webpage, so I had to go thru each entry with comments still open, open it in notepad, erase his damage, and then resync everything. It was quite a pain in the ass. Oh, and now, no html allowed in comments any more ('cept bold, italic and links). Fucker.

Also, just for the record, if you are ever redirected off of my website, then just shut down Internet Explorer. I never, under any circumstances, allow you to leave my website. All of my links always open in a new window. Just, y'know, in case this is an identity theft thing.

Whailp, I guess that's all I have to say. Fuck you, Jonny. The rest of you are cool. Peace out.

Our Kaboomtown party was such a hit! You'll see why I say that shortly.

First off, Kaboomcrown'ncokes are so delicious. I was able to convince most of the guests to scream "KABOOM!" when they ladled an ice cream scoop full of cherries into their drinks. That bottle of Crown lasted all of like 30 minutes. We switched to Grizzy Gooses (I wondered if the plural was Grizzy Geese, but it's not) soon after. When the Grey Goose was gone, we switched to Grabsoluts. That makes no sense since the "Gr" came from "Grey" but oh well. Absolizzy sounds stupid. The champagne flowed and the beer went way faster than expected. Smart move on my part getting plastic bottles. You'll see why I say that shortly.

When it got dark we all went to the roof of the garage. It was solid people. Solid drunk people. It was pouring rain. All the drunk people were dancing and hootin' 'n hollerin' in the rain. Yours truly included. Someone had a watermelon full of liquor that they were dispensing shots from. When that ran out, they filled it up with whatever beer was available. Too much fun. Brett Sabulous and I screamed, "KABOOM!" at the fireworks repeatedly. Repeatedly. Since it was pouring rain, they only shot off about a third of the planned fireworks, I'm estimating. There was no grand finale like I'm sure they had planned. I felt bad for the people that had probably planned the whole thing, it was basically ruined, but still totally rad. I love fireworks because when I was little my parents used to tell me that they were for my birthday.

After much merry making on the roof, we went back downstairs. I was pretty drunk and happy so some of the details escape me, but things got ugly. You'll see why I say that now. Without using any names or daring to understand the provocation, several fights broke out. Not like fun friendly fights. Like mean trying-to-hurt-each-other fights. I think back to like when Todd and DAvid would fight and I'd sit back and laaaauuuugh. Because even though they were throwing real punches and causing real bruises, you just knew that deep down inside they weren't going to hurt each other. It's like watching brothers fight. Not so that night. They were out for blood. And your local good Samaritan, Sidesho, was trying to stop it. Several mislanded punches later, several concrete tackles later, several wrestling matches and alpha male chest thrusts later, it was finally disolved, but not before our party was basically ruined. I was left with a few minor scraps and scabs, bruises all over both arms from someone fighting to escape my grip, a severely fucked up shoulder, two knees that don't take much to fuck up -- but falling on them on concrete did the trick -- a new trick ankle, and a sore nose. Good times, good times.

I was pretty upset at the time. By "upset" I mean "really drunk and upset" which always makes things worse. I took quite a bit of consoling, not because I was hurt, but because I had to watch people I cared about trying to draw blood from each other. I'm a delicate boy, I can't handle that shit. But now that's it been a couple of days, looking back it was rather exhilarating. I've never even been near a fight, and frankly have always been terrified of the proposition, but now I don't think it would be that bad. I mean, no one was fighting me, I was just in the way, but still, it doesn't hurt THAT bad to get hit. So watch the fuck out, everyone, this is your warning. I'm looking for a reason now. I WISH some mother fucker be sittin in my seat.

So that was my Kaboomtown. The 4th was much more serene consisting of dinner at Daniel's parents' house and a drive home where we could see at least 3 fireworks shows going on at all times. This is so my favorite holiday. It's really cool too because it celebrates our country's independence; it's not just some Hallmark-invented holiday like Valentine's Day or easter. So hope everyone else had a wonderful (and tad safer) holiday. Czech you skillets on the flip side.

I'm pretty sure I've used that title before, but I'm too lazy to check. Tonight I finally got around to filling my new subscription to Nexium, the little purple pill. They really are pretty. It's for acid reflux. I really don't think I have acid reflux, being as I never experience acid refluxing. But, my doctor seems to think the elongated uvula (yes, that's what this is about) may be a sign of night time acid regurgitation. They said it would be expected if it was longer in the morning and shrunk throughout the course of the day, because snoring can do that. But since it's just fucking long, and always is, I thought I'd give this a try. C■■■■ confirmed for me tonight that the uvula is disturbingly long when viewed in person. So next time we hang out, ask me if you can see it. I do love showing it off.

I caught myself just short tonight of saying, "Man, ever since I started going to doctors, it seems like I take a lot more pills." Stoopid, I know. But it's true, dude. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a hypochondriac desperately trying to treat all these problems I may or may not have. My new philosophy though is, if it dudn't hurt, then I'll try it.

I spent most of the day today running around town with C■■■■. We met up with Kelly and Alexander for an evening of yachting. I think you'll all be pleased to know that my skills at driving a yacht have greatly increased. I finally learned how to negotiate the waves in front of you to keep the boat from jumping all over the place and causing bottles, flip-flops, and people to fly off the back. A little more practice should do the trick. That's why we're going back out tomorrow. I smell like the damn lake right now, I gotta take a shower. The water was so warm that we actually swam for a while. I dominated Kelly in a swimming race. I stiiiiilllllll got it.

Kelly told me they were gonna get some jet skis soon. I told her, "I am gonna drive that jet ski SO slow. Totally reasonable. You're gonna believe it!"

It's been a pretty good weekend thus far. Too bad it's almost over. I need a damn vacation. Nothing of the sorts on the horizon, so I'll just have to make [do? due?]. HA! I just said doodoo. Hilarious. Peace out, sluts!

Kelly went away for a while. When she returned, she brought with her a man named Alexander. Alexander has more money than you or I will ever see in 10 lifetimes. Aside from that little tid-bit, he's a really cool, laid back, generous guy. Him and Kelly get along really well. That said, I've had a few firsts as of late.

First, I broke the Sidesho-Land Speed Record. I'm not sure what it was before, probably about 100mph that one time Allison and I made it from College Station to Dallas in just over 2 hours. The new record is 150mph. Did I mention Alexander used to be a race car driver? He has some really awesome car, but I obviously don't remember what kind it is. The other night Daniel, Matt C■■■■, his friend Sean, and I met up with Kelly and Alexander here in the circle. Afterwards, he took us for a spin down the Tollway. Treating lanes as if they were a mere suggestion, we weaved our way in and around traffic until we hit a top speed of just around 150mph. I was pretty scared, but it was such a rush.

Shortly thereafter, we were invited out to the boat. Yup, I broke the Sidesho-Water Speed Record. Can you believe that I've never been to Lake Lewisville? Or I hadn't, rather. Well, I have now and I must say the next time you get out that way, you simply must do it on a certified yacht. This thing had a little picnic table in the back, and a couch, and a bedroom, and a kitchen, and a bathroom, and it hauled ass too. It was so nice. He let me drive it a little bit even though I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. And when we were sitting out front on top of the boat, he would veer wildly trying to knock us off. I spent the whole day out there sipping on beers, chatting it up with Daniel, Hunter, Lauren, Matt C■■■■, and of course, Kelly and Alexander. It was just a gorgeous day and way too much fun. I'm hoping we do that like every weekend.

I had to get those stories out there because I'm gonna have a different story to tell when I get home in a few hours. Daniel is about to take me down to see the doctor that does the Pillar Procedure. I'm getting that done as well as a turbinate cobilation (?). They're gonna stick foam pillars in my throat and shove a laser up my nose, essentially. Here's a link to that article Ryan S■■■ wrote about me for the Dallas Voice. I don't think I ever shared it with you all. So wish me luck. It probably won't help me sleep, but it couldn't hurt. Ciao bellas.

Since tomorrow I have to post my picture of a crucified bunny rabbit, I thought I'd take the opportunity today to reach back into the vaults and post my easter story. Years and years ago I started The Conduit conspiracy theories newsletter. After 400 subscribers and 0 issues, it morphed into The Conduit online zine. After 0 subscribers and 0 issues, the only thing I have to show for about a decade of effort is the cover art and one article. I showed you all the cover art back in May of 2003 and now, for your reading pleasure, is the blasphemy that is my easter article.

---

Saturday, March 15, 2003
JESUS RISES FROM DEAD, SEES OWN SHADOW

Another year gone by, the world finds itself reflecting upon the life and death ... and then life again of its lord and saviour, jesus h. christ. Roughly 2000 years ago, news of jesus' physically and biologically law-defying rise from the dead caused waves amongst the uneducated populace of the ancient world. But the question that was on everyone's mind was not the who, what, when, where, or how ... but, did he or did he not see his shadow?

Town officials were overjoyed at the sight of the still groggy jesus' bed head peaking out the top of his tomb. They waited with bated breath to see if the no-longer-hibernating son of g*d would see his own shadow or emerge unawares. A delighted crowd of merry-makers cheered as the still squinting resurrection and life turned and jumped at the sight of his own darkened outline on the ground below him.

What does this joyous occasion mark? Because he saw his own shadow, the story goes that the world can look forward to 2000 more years of shame and guilt. While some may be disappointed by the prediction, not all are so easily discouraged. Area man and fellow carpenter, Ahmed Aksul, says, "I don't buy into the whole philosophy of easter. But it's still fun to come out each year and watch the only brown-haired blue-eyed man in ancient Mesopotamia rise from death's cold grasp into everlasting life."

The general sentiment of the crowd mirrored that of Aksul. Local mother of 26, Shiba Sulaha, was not permitted to speak to another man under punishment of stoning. However, her husband stated, "The woman is overjoyed at the announcement that some poor, white Jew saw his shadow. She enjoys shame ... as well as guilt."

This reporter is just happy that in today's fast past technological world of reading and thinking for oneself, that the concept of an obviously drug induced fantasy has not been lost. So this year, when easter comes yet again, and you are out with the kids on Sunday morning looking for the eggs jesus has laid in the lawn, take a moment to remember that without death, there is no life. And without jesus, there would be no shame.

I arrived in Austin five days ago. I have yet to sleep. Traveling is hard for me because any deviation from my regular sleep habits hurts. My room back home is completely dedicated to sleep with climate control, dark walls and ceiling, fuckin rawkin mattress, expensive sheets, swedish pillows. Hotel rooms just can't offer you all of that. They don't make me sleep or anything, but every little bit helps. When you sleep for 8 minutes a night, inching that up to 10 minutes can really make a huge difference.

This has made me more serious about having surgery. There is a new procedure called the Pillar Procedure. When you have apnea, the soft pallate at the back of your throat relaxes and collapses, cutting off your supply of air. Your brain realizes this and "wakes" you up momentarily to take a breath. The Pillar Procedure involves inserting 3 foam pillars into that soft pallate to make it more rigid and hopefully stop this from happening. It's about a 15 minute procedure and they say you can do it on your lunch break and return to work. If you're not squeamish, you can go to http://restoremedical.com/video.asp and actually watch them fucking do it. It scared the bejesus out of me.

Ryan S■■■ wrote an article about the Pillar Procedure in the Dallas Voice. It featured me and a prominent doctor in the field. Even though Ryan fabricated some stories about me sleep walking to the kitchen and getting a knife, acting out a dream that I wanted cake ??????? which is embarrassing because sleep walking has nothing to do with acting out dreams. But regardless, I emailed that doctor asking him if he would meet with me for free. I know that doctors don't typically do pro bono work, but he mentioned to Ryan that he would like to meet me and I'd basically promise to have surgery if he would do that, so I figured it was worth a shot. What sucks is that it costs $2,000 to get stabbed in the throat. And I'm all but certain that my new insurance company doesn't take sleep medicine seriously.

I have got to try something. I'm sick of people perceiving me as lazy and irresponsible. It's like, fuck, doesn't anyone ever show up to work tired for respectable reasons? Everyone always assumes I am hungover. It sucks. I am seriously only hungover like 1 out of every 3 times I'm accused. If this pillar shit doesn't work, I'm gonna get a g*d damned tracheotomy and bypass this whole problem once and for all.

Sorry if this entry was a bit scattered, there's a Simple Life marathon on the tele and I am thoroughly amused. It's hot.

I thought that it might be fun today to play a little game with all of you. I've obtained an exclusive photograph of a celebrity trash can. Given the three options, you have to guess whose trash it is. Ready? Here we go.

Is the answer A: British soccer stud and metrosexual posterboy David Beckham, B: International super model and reality TV emcee Heidi Klum, orrrrrr C: internet megalomaniac and google addict SideshoViD.

If you said C, you're right! You win everything behind door #1. Now take my trash out, idiot. Do you think it says anything about my lifestyle that I'm overflowing with empty cases of beer, empty cans, empty cigarette packs, and empty pizza boxes? I think it means I need to buy more beer, cigarettes, and pizza. Am I right?

Really, it is getting out of control and while it's all going to be going away during Febrehabruarii, I think it might be prudent to wean myself a little before then. I don't want to put my body in shock. Speaking of, is anybody else doing Febrehabruarii?

Hope you all had a good New Year's party and were hungover like it's 2006. Peace out skillets.

I went to the sleep lab again. This time, I slept normally at home for 8 hours and then woke up at my normal time and went to the hospital. I got to eat breakfast and then had to take a nap. I took 30 minute naps at 9, 11, 1, 3 and 5. If during any one of these tests, you happen to fall asleep within 10 minutes, that is a cause for some concern. But there are so many factors that they take the average. Cause some people will fall asleep really easily after lunch and stuff. Anywho, the AVERAGE time it took me to fall asleep was under 2 minutes. So I have scientific verification that I am tired. Awesome.

That's the reason I was afraid I had narcolepsy. But the difference between me and a narcoleptic is that they fall directly into REM immediately, and, well, we all know, I never go into REM. So I'm just way tired. And they don't know why. Well, they do know why. Because I have horrible, horrible apnea. But we cured that and it made it worse. So ... what to do?

They finally took Miles' advice. Miles always told me that my problem wasn't sleeping, it was being awake. And they make pills for that. Well, I got some. It's called Provigil. It is a modafinil stimulant that has none of the addictive side effects of an amphetamine. Please try to remember the name of my medication because I am taking the good shit -- the name brand. Nothing generic here. There are some knock-offs on the market that you can get, though. The first one I found is called Brovigil. It keeps you awake all day... and can also work as a date rape drug when placed in a freshman girl's Zima. Then, there is Movigil. Movigil smells good, but oddly enough tastes like well-vodka and Astroglide. Don't ask me how I know that. So ultimately, I decided I'd go with the Pro- version of the medication. There was one substitute I considered opting for, but it was just wayyyy too bitter. It was called Sidesho-vigil.

I am currently dosing with the Provigil, but will probably eventually be taking 200mg in the morning and 200mg right after lunch. I don't know that it's done me any good just yet, but we shall see. Once I get stabilized with the correct amount of stimulants, I am going to try the CPAP again. And then once we get to a point where I can sleep (and function the next day) using the CPAP, I'm sure I'll go in for another round of tests. My doctor said he's turned me into a research study since he's never seen anything like this before. I asked, but he said that it didn't mean that he would be paying me from now on instead of vice versa.

It's a never ending saga. I'm taking a break from it all this weekend in Austin to go to Leslie's house warming. And I might be going to Detroit on Monday for a week. That's still up in the air. Sheezalmighty, grood times. Holla back, yungin'.

And before you even ask ... $20.

I go to the sleep doctor tomorrow morning. From the research I've done, I have a feeling my life is going to consist of a little bit more of this than anything else. There is no mechanized cure for whatever it is that afflicts me; it's all chemical from this point on. I'm just crossing my fingers that I get a subscription to some kind of medication with a street value. *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge* Y'get what I'm sayin? Open up shop, beeyotch.

I'm actually pretty nervous. I make a lot of jokes about not sleeping, mostly because it's my favorite defense mechanism. The last time that I went to the doctor and they told me that I should stop using the CPAP because it wasn't the cure and that we'd have to do more testing, I sat in the parking lot for a while and cried. It's not so much that I care that I have to do all of this. I mean, I've gone through enough geriatric treatment for arthritic knees that I'm not hung up on wanting to be normal. Let's be honest, normal is just a synonym for average. But the utter frustration of the whole experience did get to me. That coupled with being exhausted, tends to weaken your barriers. But, fear not, dear viewers, for my optimism knows no bounds. I just know that tomorrow I'm gonna get some good news. Ooh, I hope they subscribe me some vicadin; I love that shit.

Tonight I got to see Miles' fabulous new residence. We are all very excited about the time that will be spent there together. Congrats Miles! Even though Mr. Sabulous and I were the only two people you forgot to mention on your website! This weekend I'm going to Round Rock to attend Miss Lesbie Ann's housewarming party. If any of you are in the area, give me a call and you can come to the party. I RSVP'ed to the e-vite with +46 guests just to throw off the guest count. Also, if anyone from Dallas would like to go with me, I'd more than welcome the company. Thanks and gig this. Later bitches.

I have read on the internet again and again and again that using a simple Brita water filter, one can turn ordinary squeezy vodka into a top shelf delight. Being the scientifically minded alcoholic that I am, I just had to try this for myself. Mr. K■■■■■■ and myself set out for the Goody Goody liquor store to get the required materials. I didn't want to simply recreate experiments that have already been done, and this may have affected my results. Most websites I've read involve good, okay, and shitty vodka. After filtering half of the shitty vodka, a blind taste test ensues. Ours was a little different. However, our hypothesis was the same:

Is this the equation to unlimited high-quality, low-cost booze? We decided that cape cods would be our vodka drink of choice. We could have taken straight vodka shots, but I wanted to add a hint of applicability. I'm not gonna say I never drink vodka straight and dance in my underwear to Neil Diamond, but I'm more inclined to have a cocktail. Our two vodkas were McCormick and Effen. I'd never had Effen before, but I just thought it was too much fun to ask for some "Effen vodka." The price differential was over 20 dollars.

The idea here has to do with the distilling and filtration process that vodka producers go through. Many of them use simple carbon filtrating to remove impurities from the vodka. The impurities are what can change the flavor of the alcohol, so if you go a few steps beyond the distillery and run it through the Brita a few times, you're going to be left with a Brita basin full of Greygoose. Seemed unlikely, but plausible. g*d, i'm like my own Myth Buster.

After filtering half of the McCormick twice, we poured ourselves a couple of drinks with the unfiltered variety. I measured out an ounce and a half, since we like our drinks with a little stank on em. The bite was quite intense. After the initial wince, it went down a little easier. I had a few friends over to join in on the taste test. It was good times. We decided that the unfiltered McCormick was most decidedly vile. But, what could twice through a filter accomplish?

On to the filtered vodka. Conclusion? Nasty. There was the same unpleasant taste we'd experienced before. We'd all had a few drinks at this point, and were worried that the intoxication level might taint the experience. Mr. K■■■■■■ was the first to be ready for an Effen vodka cape cod. On his first sip, he started laughing hysterically. I asked him repeatedly what was so fucking funny and all he could do was hand me his glass. I took a sip and joined him in a hearty laugh. It was sooo good. Unbelievably better. From that point on, we called the experiment over and all stuck to Effen for the rest of the night.

There are several X factors involved here. If any of you have tried this differently, with different vodka, straight, blind, or otherwise, let me know if it worked for you. Because for us, it was most definitely BUSTED. Life is too short to drink cheap liquor. Write that down.

But we all got drunk. And if you get drunk, then you have to ultimately call it a success. Hurray!